[MiaToo]

I don't know if this happens to others but I'd love some opinions or insight if anyone has the time and/or energy to give me some...

It seems to happen to me all the time... You know the point in the relationship where quite suddenly they just seem to turn and go cold and distant.

And, my reaction to all this is always just to pull away and stay putting up walls... I guess I'm just getting ready to be broken up with and trying to protect myself from the fall.

But, I always wondering... Am I just making it worse? Am I playing a part in driving apart something that wasn't necessarily broken? I don't know... And I, to be totally honest, don't even really know what I'm asking here.... I just feel pretty lost and am so terrified and upset that this could be over. I miss her already and it isn't even over... Maybe that's all I really wanted to say.... I don't know.

Sorry for the ramble.

[Yzen]

Sometimes you can start to sense something is wrong in a relationship when it has nothing to do with the relationship. For example, the other person could be having problems with family or work or school and is distracted from your relationship. The distraction could cause them to act differently.

Can you ask them if things are ok between the two of you? It takes a lot to ask because there is that fear it could be over, but you might find out for sure where the 'distance' is coming from. I hope they are not wanting it to end and are preoccupied with something else.

Lets look at this from another angle. You are inferring this is a pattern. I am not sure what your illness is but could this be a sign of self-sabotaging?

I will admit in hindsight I have done this. I have come to a point where I get jittery and have begun to look for things wrong and essentially sabotaged the relationships. I went through this with my current relationship and thank goodness with his patience, some great CBT, and a very good psychiatrist I was able to work my way through it. We came to a deeper understanding, the relationship came out all the better for it.

I apoogise if I have gotten this all wrong and am out of line.

[Shazerac]

Without knowing more about your relationship it's hard to say. As you said this tends to be a pattern with you, so you might want to take a closer look at that. Sometimes when we fear abandonment we start looking for problems in a relationship so we can end it before we get "abandoned" then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand the relationship may have run its course.

The only way to really know is to talk to your partner about this. They may surprise you and say I feel like your pulling away, or something like that. But they may be having questions about the relationship too. The only way to really know is to ask.

[MiaToo]

Yzen,

Thank you for this.
You're absolutely right. It is sometimes just really difficult for me to get out of my head, look at the bigger picture and, as super unflattering as this is, remember that the entire universe is not centred around me.

We aren't really talking much right now because she needs a lot of space but when we do, I'm going to follow your suggestion.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

Originally Posted by Yzen

Sometimes you can start to sense something is wrong in a relationship when it has nothing to do with the relationship. For example, the other person could be having problems with family or work or school and is distracted from your relationship. The distraction could cause them to act differently.

Can you ask them if things are ok between the two of you? It takes a lot to ask because there is that fear it could be over, but you might find out for sure where the 'distance' is coming from. I hope they are not wanting it to end and are preoccupied with something else.

[MiaToo]

Justafriend,

Thank you for this. So much. You aren't out of line at all, in fact it was amazing insightful.

I don't know how I missed that giant red flag, but you're absolutely right about what I was doing. I have Borderline, so yeah, flipping on a switch to pushing people away/self-sabotaging at the slightest sign that I'm being abandoned is definitely a pattern and definitely what I'm doing.

I see that now, but all weekend I was so convinced that that wasn't what was happening this time. Sigh... It is frustrating that still after all the work, there are still these times where I am completely out of control of myself, or completely controlled but emotions and that what is happening inside during those times just isn't real.

But, at least I'm realizing what is going on now and that's something that never would have happened two years ago... So those are all steps forwards... And we'll just keep building on that.

Thanks so much for your message. It was so incredibly helpful.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Lets look at this from another angle. You are inferring this is a pattern. I am not sure what your illness is but could this be a sign of self-sabotaging?

I will admit in hindsight I have done this. I have come to a point where I get jittery and have begun to look for things wrong and essentially sabotaged the relationships. I went through this with my current relationship and thank goodness with his patience, some great CBT, and a very good psychiatrist I was able to work my way through it. We came to a deeper understanding, the relationship came out all the better for it.

I apoogise if I have gotten this all wrong and am out of line.

[MiaToo]

Shazerac,

Yes, you're absolutely right that that's what is going on.
I touched on it more in another reply, but the idea of reacting of the perception of being abandoned is exactly what I'm doing.

You're so right, I'm going to push myself to keep being vulnerable and we'll sit down and talk about it all and see where we go. Any least isn't fair to our relationship, her or me.

Wish me luck!

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Without knowing more about your relationship it's hard to say. As you said this tends to be a pattern with you, so you might want to take a closer look at that. Sometimes when we fear abandonment we start looking for problems in a relationship so we can end it before we get "abandoned" then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand the relationship may have run its course.

The only way to really know is to talk to your partner about this. They may surprise you and say I feel like your pulling away, or something like that. But they may be having questions about the relationship too. The only way to really know is to ask.

[MickeyCheeky]

Let us know how it goes