So conflicted

So what do you do when you and your spouse have come to realize you have conflicting self identities? What if you have been denying apart of yourself unintentionally and don't want to deny that part of yourself anymore but your spouse doesn't understand that part of you and won't accept that part of you because it goes against their principles? All of this is making me want to give up on life.

You have to be true to yourself and do what is right for you and ultimately your spouse.

Well... I won't pretend to have the answer to this. But I certainly understand the dilemma. Among other things, one of the mental health struggles I have dealt with my entire life is (apparently) being transgender. I say "apparently" because until a few years ago, I'd never even heard the term. But I guess it fits. I'm male. But I always felt, inside, as though I should have been female. I've also struggled with depression & anxiety as well as some OCD-like tendencies though. And I don't know, & never will know, if being trans caused my other problems, or if being apparently transgender was simply one aspect of a broader mental illness that also included depression, anxiety, etc. It's a conundrum...

That said... I've been married for 38 years. (My wife's accomplishment... not mine.) I kept my "transgenderedness" a secret for many years. It was something I had fully intended to take with my to my grave, so to speak. But in the process of mounting my second suicide attempt, I "let the cat out of the bag", as the saying goes. And, as a result, I more-or-less came crashing out of the closet. I thought the earth would move under my feet. It didn't. The reality was that no one (my wife primarily) wanted to hear about it. She was more than happy to simply pretend the whole thing never came up to begin with. And, since I had been pretty-much hiding in the back of the closet all those years anyway, I just gradually went back in & closed the door behind me. I still there to this day.

All of that may be more background information than you would have preferred to have received. But it's the basis for my offering what I can with regard to your dilemma. I've had contact with quite a few MtF transsexual individuals who encouraged me to transition... to "become the person I've always been" as it is often phrased. I've even been called a coward for not doing so. But my wife & I are older persons & we only have each other. She could never accept me "becoming the person I've always been." And I can't blame her. She didn't sign up for this. So I have chosen to simply remain the person she's always known outwardly... & continue to struggle with my gender identity issues privately. Sometimes it makes me think about mounting a third attempt at bringing it all to its ultimate conclusion. But I don't have any plans to actually do so. So, in the end, I think there comes a point where you simply have to choose. You either do what you need to do to fulfill your self-identity, whatever that is, or you choose to tough it out for the sake of your spouse. Of course, individual counseling & / or couples counseling may help. And you can always change your mind should circumstances change down the road. But there does come a point, at least from my perspective, where you simply have to make up your mind. I wish you well...

I echo what Pagasus wrote. Sending best wishes. It can't be easy. (((hugs))))