[lovethesun]

I have 2 nieces who are grown and are adults now. I just had my birthday and they did not call me, email me or communicate with me via facebook to wish me a happy birthday. I heard nothing from them. They always wished me a happy birthday prior to this. I do not believe that they were too busy as they were all over their FB pages posting stuff and other family members told them of my birthday so I do not believe they forgot. The reason I think they ignored my birthday is because their mother and I had words over an incident that occurred while we were visiting them 2 months ago. Their mother is a very controlling person and a bully. She insulted me and I did not stand for it. I defended myself and she did not like it and is now giving me the silent treatment as some kind of punishment. I believe she told her daughters to not have any contact with me and thus they ignored my birthday. I was thinking about no longer using social media to interact with my nieces since they ignore me now. I was going to eliminate both of them as contacts on my list. My question is, am I being petty by doing this? or should I just go ahead and cease communication by social media since they don't care to talk to me anymore?

[~Christina]

Maybe you could reach out to your nieces.... It is possible they just did Forget your Birthday.

[Wild Coyote]

I also feel your reaching out to your nieces may be the most productive and rewarding route. Prove their mother wrong about you.

It's truly best to try to resolve differences pronto, especially in a family, before ppl get carried away with life-long grudges.

I have a very, very difficult sister. She is very divisive within the family. I would never give up on my niece. I remain open to my sister as long as she is not abusive in the moment. I try to not let the past predict my present or my future. I refuse to empower these wrongs.

Set the example. We all need love and forgiveness. Thus, it's helpful to be forgiving.


WC

[FallDuskTrain]

May I please challenge this?
What are you really upset about?
Are you upset about them forgetting about your birthday or are you upset about their mother and the possibility that they are acting a certain way because of their mother?
And if they are in fact impacted by their mother, then it is their choice to respect their mother’s wishes. Besides, if she is as much of a bully as you say she is, then you should emphasize with the probability that her kids have to end up dealing with her, should they disagree with her. Thus, they might be acting this way to avoid confrontation with her.
Sure, you can cut your online communication with them but that might make things worse because it is an overreaction.
Besides, why is it so important that they wish you a happy birthday? Again, this probably goes back to the issue of what you are really upset about. It seems like your beef is with the mother not with the kids.

My vote is don’t cut them off. Chances are this will blow over, and it will be awkward friend them again

[MickeyCheeky]

Try to reach out to them; even admitting that what you said is true, it's not your nieces' fault, after all.

[Bill3]

Stay in touch with them.

[continuosly blue]

I was in a situation where I was “ forgotten “ on some meaningful occasions.
What I would want to know is why ? You say they are adults ? What kind of adult just does what they did on the orders of their mother ? Wow , don’t they have their own minds ? I would reach out to them and try and find out why they ignored your birthday. Do they communicate with you otherwise ? My main beef would be with their mother, who you had some words with. Have some more words with her and straighten this out , one way or another. That’s what I hate about things like Facebook , it’s so hollow. Remember the days when people actually sent out birthday cards ! Social communication is really no communication. Get on the phone! Find out a what the heck is really going on.

[Teddy Bear]

Give it time maybe they'll forget about the incident

[lovethesun]

Thanks for all of your responses. You all are right, I should not empower the wrongs committed by their mother by furthering her mean spirited agenda. The nieces really did not start this war, their mother did. And I'm sure if they were told to ignore me, they were probably too afraid to stand up for themselves against their mother if they did not agree with what she was telling them to do so they are just going along with her wishes to keep the peace. Sad if that is the case.

I'm not the first person their mother has treated badly. Their mother refused to speak to my husband for 7 years because of something he said that she supposedly took offense to. She refused to talk it out with him and chose instead to "do a burn on him" that lasted all those years. She did not come to our wedding as a result of it and did not acknowledge my 2 kids whom she is the aunt of either. About 5 years ago, she got tired of giving the silent treatment and said she was going to "do things differently" and started speaking to us again. Had to introduce herself to my kids as they did not even know who she was. Now I suppose she'll start the burn all over again except it will be against me now. This woman is a real piece of work!

[Sunflower123]

Sounds like she is. Good for you for not playing into her games.

[Neverlosehope87]

I’m not sure what happened but when it comes to me and my brain, I forget..... often and quickly. I read a text and I don’t reply for weeks because I got busy and then forgot. I wasn’t purposely ignoring someone. I’ve often been told it’s my nephews birthday today- I forgot to write a wish. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t malicious.
Have you spoken to them at all since you had that fight with your sister? Perhaps they might be thinking you’re mad at them as well because of their mother.
I find assuming causes the most problems. We assume someone is mad at us but when they’re not. They could be easily suffering from depression and avoid the people that make them feel, people that will see through the glamour.
Either way, I hope you find answers and peace in this situation

[divine1966]

I wouldn’t stop talking to my relatives if they didn’t say “happy birthday” to me. I wonder if you are seeing a therapist? You often have conflicts with people, neighbours, classmates, friends and now family. Is there a pattern of sorts?

[seesaw]

Yeah, I have to be honest, remembering birthdays is like the hardest thing for me. Even when Facebook reminds me, I still forget to write something on their wall. It's not malicious, I just don't remember, especially when my life is getting really busy, unless it's someone who is a close friend who I see all the time, relatives who I don't see frequently, I often forget their birthdays and end up sending belated birthday cards. It's particularly hard because my family judges me for it, like I'm uncaring, but then they forget that none of them were part of my life until I was 14, and even then, they weren't really part of my life, they just happened to live in the same town and I saw them on occasion. My family has never been particularly close so I don't know why they think I would remember all of their birthdays and whatnot. I tend to actually remember my friends' birthdays more often because we go out every year and they invite me to their birthday parties, etc.

I recognize that birthdays are important to people; I know I enjoy celebrating mine; but I also don't feel slighted if someone forgets to wish me a happy birthday, especially if they are busy with families of their own. If I want my birthday to be special then I will plan something myself and invite people.

I think you should just reach out to your nieces. It sounds like they are stuck in the middle, and, I know I don't know all the details, but honestly, their first allegiance is going to be to their mother, not their aunt/uncle. I don't know how old they are, if they are in their 20s or older, but people even in their 20s are often still under their parents' control.

Hope it works out for you.

Seesaw

[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I wouldn’t stop talking to my relatives if they didn’t say “happy birthday” to me. I wonder if you are seeing a therapist? You often have conflicts with people, neighbours, classmates, friends and now family. Is there a pattern of sorts?

Divine, thanks for your concern. Believe it or not, I actually am one who avoids conflicts if I can help it. If I have to engage in a conflict with someone, it's because they forced my hand. And I will always stand up for myself. The not wishing me a happy birthday is, I believe, a symptom of the larger problem that is their mother. She has proven many times over the years to be a bully, oftentimes using the silent treatment as one of her weapons. I understand people forget others birthdays. My point was that I was not so sure they "forgot" in this instance. I feel they were "told" not to acknowledge me since they have always been very good at remembering me and others birthdays for that matter over the years. So my decision as to whether or not to cease communication was based more on that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by lovethesun

Divine, thanks for your concern. Believe it or not, I actually am one who avoids conflicts if I can help it. If I have to engage in a conflict with someone, it's because they forced my hand. And I will always stand up for myself. The not wishing me a happy birthday is, I believe, a symptom of the larger problem that is their mother. She has proven many times over the years to be a bully, oftentimes using the silent treatment as one of her weapons. I understand people forget others birthdays. My point was that I was not so sure they "forgot" in this instance. I feel they were "told" not to acknowledge me since they have always been very good at remembering me and others birthdays for that matter over the years. So my decision as to whether or not to cease communication was based more on that.

I’d probably contact your nieces and see what’s up. It’s really dumb if they stop talking to you because of their mother conflict with you.

But then come think of it I once had a conflict with my dad that lasted for almost year (my dad is very very toxic) and my daughter was so upset on my behalf that she didn’t communicate with grandpa for long time. It’s fine now, but at the time my daughter had opinion that she won’t put up with people upsetting her mother.

The best in my opinion is to contact them and find out for yourself what’s going on