Online Dating: A Nightmare or a Good Way to Meet People?

I'm sorry you had this experience too.

Actually, there are true success stories from match. My sister found her boyfriend of four years on there. He is a great guy! They're a great couple! So it can happen....

I am going back and forth now on this. Divine pointed out that maybe it's too early for me, which is very very possible. I may just put the breaks on this and not invest much time.

I think there's not one singular general experience to be had on online dating sites. One's experience with depend on a nr of factors such as gender, age, sexual orientation, what you're looking for, education, local culture(which influences how people tend to act and perceive themselves and others, particularly when it comes to gender roles for ex and attitudes towards women and dating, income, open mindedness), how popular online dating is there, etc.

One of the most important factors is how close to stereotypically good looking you are, how approachable your face happens to look, your weight and good ol' luck.
It's really super untrue and sexist how a lot of men think dating as a woman and finding sex is easy even if you're super ugly or something. Women have a far broader taste in men and scrutinize far less while society programs most if not all men(and women actually) to objectify women and focus almost all their worth in looks, certain types of look.

So both genders have a hard time, it's just that a downside of all this patriarchy is women still are largely unaccustomed to being the ones to initiate conversation.

For example, I don't think "good looking" or "attractive" or "desirable" should be confined to a narrow set of characteristics, to a certain weight or look, but unfortunately they still are and it influences online dating a lot. I think everyone should be desirable and sexy and attractive, regardless of look or weight or height or gender presentation and so on, to a broad category of people, enough so that everyone could have a decent time on online dating(creeps aside).

But this is not the case. The truth is, if you're somewhat conventionally looking, you're going to have more people interested in talking to you(more creeps too ofc), more dates and more sex if you are looking for hookups. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll have more successful dates cause other factors go into that, but it means more opportunities, more choices.

Then it also depends on luck cause you can find a long term partner from the one and only date you got in 2 years of being on a dating site, or you could have 100 dates that don't go far. We can agree, though, that these are extremes so normally the reality is somewhere in between.

In my country online dating has just grown more in the past 3-4 years, it's not a big thing outside Tinder so if you don't want to do Tinder(which I don't), it's harder on OkC for ex cause really there's tons of ...well maybe not creeps but men with questionable, very questionable personalities. Also this is still a more traditionalist country, there's more sexism than in western Europe for ex, stricter gender expectations and so on, which also affects the quality of the men and the chances someone like me can have.

My personal experience, in about 4 years of having an account on OkC, has been abysmal. I rarely get a message and about 95% of them are either from creeps, bots or people who just want to question my unfeminine look. In 4 years there were only 3 men who were honestly interested a little bit and one was obviously with some serious behavioral issues ,the other two just fizzled out quickly because I'm guessing they found someone better. I met 2 people in person, neither for dates, just friendship(one is a straight woman who used OkC to browse for potential friends).

Other people that I know or from impressions I've read, had a lot more success, at least in the initial process of simply finding dates.

I am sure it varies depending on the country you're in and that country's culture.

I am on OkCupid and on Match. So far, I've met one man who seems to click with me from Match, but I think he'll turn out to be a friend. On OKCupid, I've also met a man who has similar interests and seems genuine.....

But I personally am now very wary of this whole online dating thing, even though there ARE success stories.

Last night I cried about my ex for the first time. It was good to release the tears. Guess I am still healing, and like I wrote above, it may be just too soon for me to even think about dating, even casually.

I was on OKC and from there was with the man who just used me for sex. I don't blame him because I allowed him to use me. I got rid of him and he has not said anything. He just wanted sex and that is it.

Now, I found another man on a paid dating site who I told I wanted to be friends and lovers. We talk about everything. He is ok. He has lived in Japan and America and understands my background. He also is divorced like me. He is nice and sweet so far. I think he is as interested in knowing about me as I am about him. He is coming to see me for Christmas time for a week. Until then, we are communicating hopefully daily.

Yes, you should not talk about sex if this is not what you are after. If men start talking sex and you are not interested, you need to put a stop to it. I want sex so this is not an issue. I am not young and am not looking for marriage but a relationship as friends and lovers. Here in Japan, they have parties for people who want to meet for marriage. They are popular for such encounters. So, those who use online dating services are not really looking for marriage but sex or may be friends who like sex. Most of the men I encountered online are married looking for sex. I steer away from them now because of my bad experience with my previous lover. I don't want to get involved with married men. My previous lover lied about his status but evidence points to his being married. So, he used me for sex. I liked him which was the problem, but not any more. He never took me out anywhere. I always was buying him food and beer like an idiot even though he was earning a good salary. I wanted more so got rid of him.

The other man with bipolar is separated too but still married. Hence, I am not that interested in him either.

Moreover, the man I just met recently is divorced. He has been for three years. I like him so far. He talks to me online whenever he has time. So, I try to reciprocate. I don't think he is a creep. Of course, he wants sex because I told him I wanted sex too. For me there is nothing to hide about my intentions of meeting him. He is far away for now but I like communicating first then meeting. Rather than just meeting without really talking prior to meeting. It may or may not work out still. I am just hoping to maintain communication as long as possible. Meeting him will be icing on the cake. I really look forward already to meeting him but can wait until the time comes.

Also, some men just breadcrumb women. They say hello and ask how you are once in awhile but are not truly interested in meeting. They are just trying to get responses from women. Dump these men as fast as possible because they are wasting your time.

Finally, I met my ex online on a free dating site and did not really communicate with him prior to meeting. However, when I met him I liked his family and married him without thinking. It was a disaster because I married him, not his family. He turned out to be a bum. I saw red flags when I met him but ignored them. So, if you feel that they are red flags about the person, then think about these carefully because they may become an issue later. I come from a dysfunctional family but his family was wonderful to him. I truly admired them but I married him, not them. So, I would find out as much about the person before you commit. I did not know much about him prior to marrying him and regretted it once I was married. He did not want to work and had many health problems on top of being ragingly psychotic although he took his medication. He was jealous of my condition and tried to pull me down and he did. I suffered setback after setback. He was pure evil and his family sided with him of course and let me suffer without helping me. I ran away from him and we divorced. Because of this experience, I am not that interested in marrying men who I meet online.

The current man who I am speaking with is ok. But, I won't know who he really is until I spend time with him in person. So, I am taking a chance. But, for now, I am ok with who he is. I am happy for now.

He told me now he just bought his ticket to come here to see me. Wow!! he is a man of his word. We might have our encounter at a hotspring or a love hotel. I am meeting him at the airport. Hmmm, things are moving along nicely.

Well, it sounds like you have a good handle on things and know what you want and don't want.

I don't want sex and I will run fast from anyone who starts talking sex.

I also am not looking for a marriage partner right now because I just broke off an engagement several months ago. I am not ready for that at all just yet.

I think I may just want friendship to start with and go from there. That feels safe to me.

I wouldn't say that they are all creeps but there are a lot of sleazy people on dating sites who are just in it for the hookup. Finding someone who is truly interested in a relationship who is actually a mature adult and not creepy can feel like weeding for diamond in a haystack sometimes. I've been online for a few months now. I've met up with two guys. One was super awkward (younger than me) and just interested in sex. I met up with him because he asked me out for a beer and I just needed to get out of the house, so I went. The other I saw three times and he was a very nice guy but he chose some semi-girlfriend that had been stringing him along for years over me...he lied to me and it was very frustrating. It was like he wanted to keep me on tap in case she finally decided to cut the cord entirely with him, like a backup plan. Once I discovered that, I cut the cord myself.

I met my long-time boyfriend (we're no longer together) through the twitter-verse. And the guy I've decided to set my hat for recently is this man I met in my NAMI group. He's pretty stable, and I met him a year ago and remember thinking that I liked him. He's kind of awkward but really sweet at the same time. Maybe it's a mistake to date in my NAMI group but at least he understands what I'm going through.

Seesaw

I've had all positive experiences through online dating. This is because I was blunt in my profile. I specifically stated I wanted a low-stress relationship which included no one with kids, nor anyone who just broke up with their ex in less than a year.

I also stated that I must meet you in a week of the initial contact. If not then I stated you had no time to date me. I have no time for game players, time-wasters, and flakes. Those were my exact words in my profile.

I met my guy almost 6 years ago and we're so happy.

Being single and maybe not ready for dating doesn’t mean you need to sit home alone. You should make friends and get out I Think. But it doesn’t mean necessarily dating. If you want friendship, they don’t have to be men.

I belong to several meetups, (all women ones) and do things every other weekend but i could do something every weekend if I didn’t work two jobs and was single. You can hike, see movies, go out to eat, pursue hobbies etc Or you can get a second job. Or take a class. Keep busy.

I’d advice to not use online dating site for finding men for “friendship”, it’s likely not going to be emotionally satisfying for you. I also have never met decent man online who was there for friendship. It’s a code word for “not serious”, “casual”, “FWB“, “no commitment”. They can’t realky say all that so they say they are looking for friends.

If people truly look for friends, they join groups by interest or hobbies or social groups like meetups. Online dating isn’t really for looking for friendship unless it’s a code word for something else .

Also I often looked for men simply because I was bored abd not busy enough. For the next few months maybe you could get very busy so you don’t have the time to long for a man. Then you go back and look for a serious relationship. Not friendship

Just my opinion of course

I was being facetious (not directed at anyone except toward Match). Everyone's experience is different and not all are bad. And not everyone who uses dating sites are creeps. Like with anything you just have to exercise caution and may have to go through a few before you find a good match.

Some call that part of dating fun, personally I don't. :P

Personally I am not comfortable with online dating. Putting my pictures online to attract somebody doesn't ring right. I prefer to meet someone while going around as physically I will be more sure about his vibes. Some people look great on pics and are far from looking good in real life and vice versa. So just for something that faulty I wouldn't take any risks.

Hey eve, I am just gonna come out and say it... It's still early days your still yet to grieve the loss of your last relationship by this I don't mean just the man himself but the loss of the hopes and dreams you had built up for your future together.
A very wise woman once said to me to take however long you were in the relationship, then half it. And that's the time you need to spend on yourself healing..

I would say that's probably some of the best advice I was ever given.
I am not saying don't go out, or don't have fun, just recognise where your at, and what your actually capable of giving back right now.

Wishing you the very best.

Well, my new man online is doing well. We are still communicating. I am totally honest with him and he is too. Of course, I write more than he does because it is my nature. He is decent and nice. I so far don't see any red flags. He is lonely I believe too. He lives in a small town in Michigan. I plan to be good to him. I am not on the dating site anymore where we met. I believe he is a good man. No man is perfect so I expect some flaws but so far he is decent. I think in the past the men I was contacted by just wanted hookups. Thus, the men did not communicate that much about themselves. This time this man is talking about himself. I find it nice to know about someone before we meet. At least, I will try to know him as much as possible before meeting. I don't expect perfection and hope he will always be decent. From my perspective, he has much to offer. I am hoping I can offer him something besides just sex. Also, we are going to go to a hot spring for our encounter, I actually offered to pay half because I am not interested in taking advantage of him. I am hoping to continue this communication as long as possible. I like him so far. I believe he likes me too. It is a match. I am happy and so is he. Well, sometimes these dating sites do work. I was not expecting anything like this to happen. I was just shooting the breeze and randomly looking online until I saw his profile and was excited about it. He has a similar background to me and is decent. He said he is nice in his profile and he is. I said I am nice in my profile too. Also, he has been hurt like I have in the past and is hoping for something different. I am too. I can't complain about anything yet. So, things are looking good. I want a lover and a friend I told him. And, he does too. We are happy!! I can't ask for anything more. Men my age are usually married or have some kind of issue. At least, we are both divorced and although we have our issues, we don't complain to each other about them. It is nice initially to get to know someone new and find out about them. It is exciting when we both like each other and want to really meet. I can't say that he is the only one for me but can say he is so far the most decent man I've met online. Fate is in God's hands.

You can’t really know him until you meet. So be careful.

You are making good points, I heard half the time statement but I also heard wait same number of months not years. For example if you were with someone for a 10 years it’s wuse to take 10 months off.

My therapist also says that it’s wise to wait too but she admits there are no rules. My husband was married for 30 years prior to me. He’d never met me and would never be happy how he is now if he decided to wait half the time, plus he’d be 65. Also some relationships are dead before they officially end.

My t says that people need at least 9 months or a year to process what happened. After I left my live-in ex of over 8 years she recommended I wait a year.

Golden eve had largely LDR relationship and it was not long term, they’ve only been avtually together as in real life few months. But certainly waiting at least few months is a good idea. I also think it’s unfair to your prospective dates to go see them if you are still upset and crying about ex. I’d not want to go on date if a person is still upset over their ex

So it’s wise to give it a bit time

Thank you all for your input! ALL good points being made here.

I need to think about this more. I know I am bored and am trying to distract myself. I may not be ready to meet people yet, but I want to be. I feel like it's the best thing for me to do in order to really move on from my ex.

But I will definitely think about your advice, Divine, and Erebos..... I've heard the same thing about the time it takes to fully grieve the loss.

I don't know... I really just do not know right now what I want or need to do.

subconscious attraction is very complicated. If we don’t truly process what happened in past relationship, we’d go for exact same person again.

We also subconsciously attract people who are in the same place as us in life: if we are desperate or miserable or unsettled or unstable or unavailable etc etc , we often attract someone who is just like that themselves. My t told me that and I’ve read the same thing elsewhere. It made sense based on my own experiences

There's no hurry, Eve. Whatever makes it a bit easier to get up in the morning, do that!

To be honest, this thread has made me even more anti internet dating. But if it takes your mind off things, cool.

(No offence to any of the other posters. I'm pleased for those who've had success).

I can tell you what I'd do, if you lived nearby (if you let me). I'd meet up with you twice a week and we'd go out for a relaxed meal or drink or music or theatre or art gallery or coffee shop or book festival or hiking group or cycling group or pottery class or to learn a language or help at a charity event etc.

It would probably be pubs mostly, nice ones, the kind where you can sit outside and watch the river, have a bite to eat.

I'm not propositioning you!

Can you see what I'm trying to get across? Spending time enjoying yourself in the real world, with a trusted female friend, would do you so much more good than the lottery of internet dating.

I'd find you a nice man!

Hope I haven't over-stepped the mark. You know I support you whatever you do.

Big hugs.

Thanks, Divine. I believe I have done a lot of processing of my last relationship. I am pretty much through with it. I've written endless pages in my journal, and now I am only repeating the same thoughts.

Sure, I think as time goes on, other things may sneak into my awareness about my past relationship, but between therapy, talking about it here on PC, journaling and my own inner journey, I feel like it's time to now close the book, or at least, very soon. My T says it's time to close the book, given our numerous conversations about it all.

I know I am not miserable, desperate or really unstable. I may be unavailable though emotionally, so that could be something that may attract another unavailable man.

As it is, I am barely responding to any messages online. I'm ignoring most since most are not a match. There are really only just two people I am talking to right now. One I will meet Monday night in person. The other, we've just been talking so far but may meet too. It IS fun for me to talk to other men at the very least. It is helping me to move forward, which I feel I need right now.

I guess I will just feel this out as I go and will assess whether I need more time all on my own or not. Right now, I am just not sure which is right for me.

AWWWW. You would be a GREAT friend to pal around with!!!! That all sounds awesome!

Thing is, I am getting out a lot with my IRL friends, so that helps a lot too. Like last night I went to a concert with a friend of mine, tonight I am going to see a band with other friends, I have plans in the near future to spend quality time with a close girlfriend..... and I need to meet up with another girlfriend. So I'm doing all that I can to get out and about with my real life friends.

I could prob do more such as join a social club, but honestly? I just don't feel like it. I prefer to meet more naturally and not in a forced setting where conversation is forced. I prefer to make friends at the shows I go to -- those are great for making new friends. I've made a bunch already this way and am expanding my social circle lately. The more I am involved in this music scene I have, the more people and friends I am making.... so it has a life of its own. Most of my good friends I have met this way -- by being out and about on the town.

So...... I think I have a good balance going here. Not spending too much time online, in fact, less and less, and more time is spent with my friends.

Yay ...

Go Eve......

Awwwwwwwww!

Also, I am learning that since a certain kind of music is SUCH a HUGE part of my life, that I am cutting out all people whose music interests don't overlap at all with mine, or that completely oppose mine. Which narrows my pool, but gets me closer to what I want and am looking for.

I consider this the golden rule of dating. I wish everyone waited a year between relationships. I made several mistakes where I dated someone who just got out of a relationship. It's like eating spoiled leftovers.