[pappydaddy]

Yesterday was another example of my failings as a husband/father. Arising on another seemingly average morning, I gauged my mood as not being too bad. I was getting a cold but otherwise I was relatively okay. Then there was a trigger and next thing I knew, I was angry and bitter. What set this off? My wife told me if I wanted our 2 year old daughter to stop opening and shutting the door then I should close the gate going into the hallway behind me. Yep, that was it.

Now in my mind that was a personal attack, an affront on my ability to raise our child. I did not like it and I let her know it. I am of the mind that our daughter shouldn't mess with doors because we should not let her do it. Regardless, it isn't that big of a deal but in my bipolar insanity it was.

After that spat I was on the computer attempting to put my name in for a couple of jobs. The state I live in requires anyone on unemployment (yes, I lost my job a few months ago) to put his name in for a certain number of jobs each week. I could not find my resume anywhere on the computer. When I questioned my wife about it she said she had deleted a lot of material from the computer and must have inadvertantly gotten rid of it. Yep, you guessed it, I flipped out.

The point is this...my state of mind makes it very difficult for me to deal with even the smallest setback. And my wife and child are on the receiving end of my craziness. I don't have a great way of fixing this. I am unmedicated and do not have insurance. I can't get free medical because I make a little too much in unemployment to qualify. I can't afford to purchase insurance because it's ridiculous to buy. So these two have to live with me and worst of all, I'm not working so I'm around all the time. The only break they get is when my wife goes to work M-F and takes the baby with her.

The point of this post isn't really to accomplish anything except to vent I suppose. Does anyone else out there have similar problems?

[nicoleflynn]

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Unfortunately I don't have any advice to give, but I want you to know that it's already a great thing that you're acknowledging this issue.

I second Mickey's comment. It makes sense that you are edgy given that you are unemployed. Being unemployed is hard and takes its toll on a person, as well as having to apply to a certain amount of jobs each week for unemployment. The only advice I do have is to perhaps apologize for the edginess. (((((Hugs)))))

[leejosepho]

Yes, our problems such as you have mentioned are quite similar or even identical.

Originally Posted by pappydaddy

I am of the mind that our daughter shouldn't mess with doors...

If you believe your daughter is old enough to learn to keep certain doors closed or whatever, then talk with you wife about possibly coming up with an agreed-upon plan for moving away from using a child-proofing safety gate in place of nurturing.

Originally Posted by pappydaddy

I could not find my resume anywhere on the computer.

A small USB stick is an inexpensive way to keep certain things safe from computer crashes or deletions or whatever.

Originally Posted by pappydaddy

The point is this...my state of mind makes it very difficult for me to deal with even the smallest setback.

I do not know of any comprehensive solution that can put an end to all of that, but my own "state of mind" is where I place all my efforts in order to reduce my explosions as much as humanly possible. I view my wife, my children, my grandchildren and others as defenseless against my outbursts and then go to work trying to learn to be their guardians and advocate in relation to myself. You are obviously self-aware and someone who cares, so the challenge is to make use of that on behalf of others...and that can include talking with them about how they might best deal with the occasional incident beyond your control.

[pappydaddy]

Thank you for the replies. I suppose the main point I was making is that the things that irritate the hell out of me are so mundane it's ridiculous. No one could possibly predict what is going to make me go off. And, although I am literally to the point that I am almost 100% against the bipolar meds, I realize that my own opinion means very little when compared to what my family has to endure.

As far as the suggestion to see a therapist, I am unaware of one that will take someone without insurance-or the money to pay. I was seeing one before my insurance ran out months ago, and now I owe that clinic money I don't have as well due to a mix-up on their end. So, I doubt a therapist is in my near future. Honestly, I'm not very sold on therapists, either. I've had bad ones and good ones but I've never found them to be any more effective than just opening up to anyone.

Regardless, I appreciate everyone taking the time.

[~Christina]

“ Usually “ every county has a mental health clinic that offers a sliding scale.

Prior to my getting SSDI I was paying 5.00 per pdoc visit and zero to see my T and they had med samples and a program to get the meds I needed. It really saved me many times.

Maybe there is something like that for you.

I understand the basically exploding over small things.

My Bipolar really sucks sometimes