[Artchic528]

I have a boyfriend who lives overseas and it's getting pretty serious thus far. We are planning on him coming over here, or perhaps if that doesn't work out, myself going over there. I honestly prefer him coming here because he lives in Hungary and speaks very good English. I can't speak a word of Hungarian.

That brings up another thing I am anxious about. I have apprehensions about learning Hungarian. I know I should learn at least a little bit of it so that I can show my BF that I'm serious about being a part of his life, but something is stopping me from wanting to. Maybe it was what was said in previous threads about how sex traffickers are prevalent in that part of Europe and it got me super scared. Too scared to even contemplate learning the language. If I learn Hungarian, it would mean he'd want me to go over there, and I would do so alone, and traveling alone to another country, and one where there are a bunch of sex traffickers ready to kidnap young, unsuspecting women like myself, and force them into prostitution, never to be seen or heard from again...

I know in my heart that he's a good person, and has been honest with me from the start. I know he's just a shy, awkward 25 year old who has never had anything resembling a relationship before he met me. In fact, we've been friends off and on since 2014, and only became a couple September of this year. It took him that long to admit he had feelings for me.

Anyways, I'm nearing the point in the relationship where it might be time to disclose it to my parents. They know he exists, but not that I'm dating him. I'm super nervous that they wouldn't approve of us. Don't know why I would be, my mother is pretty easy going. Dad, on the other hand, is more reserved, and is pretty much not one to keep complaints to himself. He's the kind of guy who isn't happy unless he's complaining about something.

Anyways, I guess I'm writing this post because of my tendency to think the absolute worst of things in any given situation. I just need some support and stuff.

[divine1966]

Ok let me ensure you that although it’s true that sex trafficking is a huge issue (in many places not just Hungary) you can safely walk the streets in Europe. I mean sure things can happen but we can also get hit by a car in our own neighbourhood.

I lived in Eutope and now live in the US, I traveled to 18 countries (if you count the ones I lived at) and I am alive and well. (I also travelled to around 20 stares and some places are more dangerous than Hungary)

Most countries were in Europe including Eastern Europe and wasn’t kidnapped. It’s not to say there wasn’t ever any danger, of course there was but there is also a danger to get shot on a gas station in inner city. I live in nice suburbs but it’s a metro area of a city with very high crime. Sure I don’t walk the streets alone in the dark in some obscure streets in the city but I worked there and regularly go there for whatever reasons. I guess I take my chances

Bottom line the only way to ensure nothing ever happens to you is never go anywhere and never do anything.

Now as about Hungarian, it might not be the most important language for you to learn and I probably would rather learn something else as you can only speak it in Hungary but knowing it will not increase your danger of anything.

Now long distance relationship could certainly work but your parents might have legitimate concern.

My daughter is currently dating someone long distance (a very long distance similar to yours) but they have met and started dating in real life but then ended up in long distance. They now are flying back and forth every few months and discussing one of them moving to another ones location. Although it’s a huge move and change, I am not worried about it as they are both professionaly employed long living on their own and both lived and travelled in different countries. So relocating wouldn’t be the end of the world (just s big change).

Your situation might sound scary to your parents because it appears that neither one of you support ourselves or ever lived on you own. They might worry where will you live and how will you support yourself? Neither one of you can afford flying to see each other. You can’t just move in with people without visiting them few times.

How is this going to work realistically? I am not saying it can’t work or that they won’t approve of him as s person but your parents might freak out about logistics of travel or moving. Could you and your guy have some type of plan and presen it to your parents? Kind of prepare them?

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I have a boyfriend who lives overseas and it's getting pretty serious thus far. We are planning on him coming over here, or perhaps if that doesn't work out, myself going over there. I honestly prefer him coming here because he lives in Hungary and speaks very good English. I can't speak a word of Hungarian.

That brings up another thing I am anxious about. I have apprehensions about learning Hungarian. I know I should learn at least a little bit of it so that I can show my BF that I'm serious about being a part of his life, but something is stopping me from wanting to. Maybe it was what was said in previous threads about how sex traffickers are prevalent in that part of Europe and it got me super scared. Too scared to even contemplate learning the language. If I learn Hungarian, it would mean he'd want me to go over there, and I would do so alone, and traveling alone to another country, and one where there are a bunch of sex traffickers ready to kidnap young, unsuspecting women like myself, and force them into prostitution, never to be seen or heard from again...

I know in my heart that he's a good person, and has been honest with me from the start. I know he's just a shy, awkward 25 year old who has never had anything resembling a relationship before he met me. In fact, we've been friends off and on since 2014, and only became a couple September of this year. It took him that long to admit he had feelings for me.

Anyways, I'm nearing the point in the relationship where it might be time to disclose it to my parents. They know he exists, but not that I'm dating him. I'm super nervous that they wouldn't approve of us. Don't know why I would be, my mother is pretty easy going. Dad, on the other hand, is more reserved, and is pretty much not one to keep complaints to himself. He's the kind of guy who isn't happy unless he's complaining about something.

Anyways, I guess I'm writing this post because of my tendency to think the absolute worst of things in any given situation. I just need some support and stuff.

Seriously? I'm almost 70 years old. I remember people in LDRs being engaged for years.That's what engagements are about, that's what they're for so that each party has no excuse to not enter into a marriage in complete confidence. Hell. Just going steady took forever. Confidence. You had to have enough nerve to take a young lady or laddie home to mom and pop because of their down to earth character references. Things were kind of "cut and dryed" then. What I mean by all of this is gd lck and best wishes . . . . 🖒

[divine1966]

I think main issue here is financial. Nowadays it’s not a big deal to buy tickets and rent hotel rooms and fly places to meet people and hang out before making bigger decisions.

It becomes an issue when neither party can afford it. It’s possibly why you need parental approval.

Normally as much as we want our families to like our partners, adults don’t really need anyone’s approval. You are in your 30s and can date or marry whoever. It becomes an issue only if parents have to foot the bill. I think you might want to really analyze the situation and come up with realistic steps. Otherwise your parents will certainly not approve of this (if they have to buy tickets or host the guy etc).

Divine brought up some really good points about the logistics involved. Do you think eventually that one of you will move so that you can be together more permanently? Has it come up? Would you move to Hungary or would he move to the States? A question you would have to ask yourself, would you want to live in Hungary?

I know very little about sex trafficking in Hungary, so I would trust someone else's opinion on that part. But if you two are very serious and are in love, then eventually one of you will need to move. Things to think about. As for telling your parents, I would hope they will be accepting of it, though they may have similar logistical concerns and probably won't want to see you get heartbroken if it's utlimately unrealistic.

((((Hugs)))))

[Artchic528]

He says he's moving here to be with me eventually. We talk about the future for us a lot.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

He says he's moving here to be with me eventually. We talk about the future for us a lot.

That raises all sorts of questions about a VISA, what kind of work does/will he do, will you two live together?

I know these are all things to be figured out, but I imagine a protective parent will want to know these things.

Seesaw

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

He says he's moving here to be with me eventually. We talk about the future for us a lot.

I’d recommend to meet first and see how well you blend as a couple.

For him to move to the US he has to either marry you and then while living here and waiting for green card he won’t be able to legally have a job and you’ll need to be able to support him until then. Can you support a man for a year or more?

Other option is for him to obtain work visa. He needs to have the kind of job that US would issue work visa such as engineer or scientist etc what does he do for a living?

Another option for someone with EU passport is come and stay in the US for 3 months or so but he won’t be able to work.

Where are you two planning on living? Who’ll support you two?

You two need to discuss all that.

[Artchic528]

He specializes as an IT who does databases. Or at least he'd like to do that. A lot of employers don't want to hire him because he has a congenital heart defect and don't want that liability.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

He specializes as an IT who does databases. Or at least he'd like to do that. A lot of employers don't want to hire him because he has a congenital heart defect and don't want that liability.

I am sorry about heart problems. If he doesn’t have job experience, it’s unlikely US will issue him work visa.

It’s a descrimination to deny someone employment based on health issues. How do they even know he has heart defect? No employer ever asked me about my health. Neither in Europe nor US. It’s not like he plans on being a firefighter. They don’t hire him to work on computer because of his heart? How do they even know? He should file a complaint.

Overall it doesn’t sound like he had a clear plan. Does he have a degree in IT?

[Artchic528]

well, he has a hole in his septum, and an aneurysm on his aortic arch, and his stamina is very poor as a result. He's had surgery before (he's got scars on his chest), but needs more in the near future.

He's had a job before, but they let him go for one reason or another. I think that they wanted to hire what he does offsite or something. I'm not too clear on that.

He's been applying for any and every job he can right now, and is very discouraged at the refusal to hire based off of his stamina. He's understandably discouraged.

He's doing everything he can to get a job so he can buy the ticket to come and see me. I'm thinking about applying for a second job so I can get more income and maybe find a way to buy a ticket to go see him.

Yes, we've discussed getting married before, but want to wait until we meet first because then we can know for sure.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

well, he has a hole in his septum, and an aneurysm on his aortic arch, and his stamina is very poor as a result. He's had surgery before (he's got scars on his chest), but needs more in the near future.

He's had a job before, but they let him go for one reason or another. I think that they wanted to hire what he does offsite or something. I'm not too clear on that.

He's been applying for any and every job he can right now, and is very discouraged at the refusal to hire based off of his stamina. He's understandably discouraged.

He's doing everything he can to get a job so he can buy the ticket to come and see me. I'm thinking about applying for a second job so I can get more income and maybe find a way to buy a ticket to go see him.

Yes, we've discussed getting married before, but want to wait until we meet first because then we can know for sure.

Although it’s a good idea for you to get a full time job or two jobs, I’d hesitate to spend a ton on a ticket if he doesn’t work. Now if you don’t really pay bills and live at home you should be able to buy a ticket. But what’s then? Where are you going to stay there? With his parents? They might not like it. Questions that I am asking you would be the kind of questions your parents will ask you and what I’d ask my daughter. You have to think this through.

[unaluna]

A second job? Are you already sending him money from a first job? I am starting to worry for you

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by unaluna

A second job? Are you already sending him money from a first job? I am starting to worry for you

I think art means to save money to buy herself a ticket. I don’t think she sends him money

[seesaw]

You've discussed getting married and you've never met? This does not seem good to me. A lot can go wrong between chatting on the phone or skype and meeting in person. People give off a VERY different vibe in person.

I was in a LDR for 5 years. I met him through Twitter because we had similar interests and followed each other's racing adventures. Eventually we became friends beyond Twitter and began chatting online then on the phone (kind of pre-Skype). Our feelings became romantic but we both recognized that we would need to meet up before we took anything further. When we met up in person, we were definitely attracted to each other and started a real LDR. We saw each other a few times a year (he lived in Canada and I in the US). And we talked every day. We were both employed and independent.

But we did not even discuss marriage until we had been in a real relationship for a year. I feel like you are letting some fantasy that you want of love to dictate what will happen with this man instead of proceeding cautiously and recognizing that you haven't met him yet and so can only know him partially. How can you discuss marriage with someone you only know partially?

I'm sorry if I'm being a downer. If it's the real deal, I'm happy for you. And I absolutely agree you can find love online, but I worry that your confusing reality and fantasy.

Seesaw

[RainyDay107]

Hi, Artchic,

My brother married a Hungarian woman. She had already settled in the USA with her family years before they met so it wasn’t a LDR. She had a full time job the entire time they were married, a smart woman and a hard worker.

He never learned Hungarian (which was fine as they remained in the USA) and she and her family here in the US spoke English well. Therefore, it wasn’t an issue. When they visited Hungary, most didn’t speak English and she translated for him and our parents who accompanied them. I recall my parents saying it was a beautiful country.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[divine1966]

I know ton of people who had successful long distance relationships. My daughter is currently in one and it seems to go well although too early to tell. I know people who met long distance and marry and have families.

But both or at least one have to be employed and independent, able to buy tickets to fly see each other, have their own place or be able to afford hotels. If both people live with parents and are not independent and aren’t even employed how can such relationship work?

I think it’s paramount that you two start working on becoming independent and self supporting if you want this relationship go somewhere. I’d make that a focus.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I know ton of people who had successful long distance relationships. My daughter is currently in one and it seems to go well although too early to tell. I know people who met long distance and marry and have families.

But both or at least one have to be employed and independent, able to buy tickets to fly see each other, have their own place or be able to afford hotels. If both people live with parents and are not independent and aren’t even employed how can such relationship work?

I think it’s paramount that you two start working on becoming independent and self supporting if you want this relationship go somewhere. I’d make that a focus.

I am planning on applying to a pet store down the street from where I live and if I get hired, go from there.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I am planning on applying to a pet store down the street from where I live and if I get hired, go from there.

That's great. I think you would be good working with animals.

[winter loneliness]

This relationship is fraught with problems. I hope things work in your favor.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

This relationship is fraught with problems. I hope things work in your favor.

Problems? How so?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I am planning on applying to a pet store down the street from where I live and if I get hired, go from there.

Great idea!!!!

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

well, he has a hole in his septum, and an aneurysm on his aortic arch, and his stamina is very poor as a result. He's had surgery before (he's got scars on his chest), but needs more in the near future.

He's had a job before, but they let him go for one reason or another. I think that they wanted to hire what he does offsite or something. I'm not too clear on that.

He's been applying for any and every job he can right now, and is very discouraged at the refusal to hire based off of his stamina. He's understandably discouraged.

He's doing everything he can to get a job so he can buy the ticket to come and see me. I'm thinking about applying for a second job so I can get more income and maybe find a way to buy a ticket to go see him.

Yes, we've discussed getting married before, but want to wait until we meet first because then we can know for sure.

My sister’s fiancé has the exact same health condition (small world!) I understand the severity of the condition, but I don’t see why it would impact employment if he is in IT. My sister’s fiancé is an accountant and works full time (sitting at his desk) and has never had any problem keeping a job. Of course, he can’t run (at all) and has to be careful with any kind of lifting/physical activity. Since it’s illegal to ask a prospective employee about their health conditions, he has never disclosed his condition to his employer. When he’s had to have surgery, he simply tells his employer he will be out X number of days for surgery— just like anyone could need surgery once in a while. I only bring this up because it could be a potential red flag that he has been let go by employers. Are you ok if he never works? How will you support yourselves? A lot of people have health conditions (I have chronic pain and surgery about once a year for a different condition)— but most still find a job they can do with their limitations. I’m not really sure how stamina is a factor in an IT job, since he is still able to spend a lot of time on the computer with you. What about an IT job is the issue with his health?

[divine1966]

I asked the same questions as scorpiosis but I didn’t get an answer because I think artchic might not know the answer.

It’s possible that full time employment is difficult then I’d think he could try to work part time. Could he work from home? My brother is a software programmer and he works from home ( not for health reasons). He only flies to his home company once in 90 days for a week, other that he works at home.

I looked up couple of job search sites in Hungary and they do hire IT professional but all require college degree of sorts. Did he have any kind of formal training in IT? Artchic you need to know these things if you plan on becoming a couple in real life.

[seesaw]

I think these are all questions you will have to answer to your parents, Artchic. You don't have to provide us with answers. But use this inquiry to prepare yourself for when you finally tell them, so you can know what to expect.

I know you really want a relationship and kids and all that...but the first step towards all that is independence. If you put as much energy into working on your independence and self reliance as you do on getting a boyfriend, you'd find that you'd be more independent and be in a better place to call your own shots, and not have to answer to your parents.

I'm glad you're looking at applying for employment at that pet store. Maybe looking for other potential jobs and applying would be a good idea, because typically you have to apply to a few places before you get a job.

Good luck,
Seesaw