[toughbird]

Hi All

Merry Christmas.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while. He has always told me he finds commitment scary and fears away from a serious relationship.

For quite a while, I noticed when we go out or are in work. Whenever a woman walks past, he stares at their bottom. If we are in the pub, he looks over at a table and stares at other women.

When talking to women in work. He talks with them and starts smiling. Like flirting. He starts to eye them up and down and smiles. Whilst I am there.

Last night, he was interacting with a colleague. He was laid-back. Eying her up and smiling. All of a sudden, I noticed his legs spread wide open and he was fidgeting in her presence. I was convinced he was getting turned on.

I was hurt. Hurt by the fact that he did this right in front of me.

Today I pulled him up. He informed it's a man thing. He gets a buzz when speaking to people and he enjoys it. He tried to assure it was innocent and he wouldn't have acted on it. He couldn't deny it. He then dropped saying, he felt something was there. I questioned him on what he meant and was convinced he was referring to his feelings towards this staff member. He assured he didn't mean that and he hardly knows her. Only except they always talk when she comes to the office.

He apologised and said he shouldn't of done it and it now has made him conscious.

He said, he had it on his mind through out the afternoon.

It left me with a lot of insecurity thoughts and low self worth. Now I'm convinced if he has a choice, he will sleep with another woman if he gets a chance. That he doesn't want me. That he will cheat on me.

I'm not sure if I am over reacting. To stare a lot at different women in front of me - I can't help but feel insecure.

I think it depends. For me I don't care if my husband flirts. I flirt a lot myself and he doesn't care. But we both agreed to these boundaries before we were married.

I know friends of mind who would lose their s*** over their spouse flirting. Those are the boundaries they have.

If you are not comfortable with it, your spouse should respect that. You're not right or wrong here. Its your comfort level.

[seesaw]

SadGirl brings up a good point, are you comfortable with his flirting? It seems like you are not. Is he willing to adjust his behavior to be friendly without flirting? Also, from what you've said, his response seems positive. He apologized for his behavior, he thought about it all day, you made him think about something, that's huge. It seems like he is willing to lay off the flirting, from your account.

You say you are worried he will sleep with another woman if the chance presents itself, but has he ever cheated on you? Okay, so he looks at other women...but even women in relationships look at other men. You can't NOT notice an attractive person. Doesn't mean you want to sleep with them.

I think maybe you need to work on trusting him. And it sounds like he might be worth trusting. You brought up a concern and he listened and said he was more conscious and aware of what he was doing now. Sometimes it's scary to trust, and that trust can be broken, but has he done anything that makes you distrust him so much? Or is this distrust based on what other people have done to you?

Seesaw

Seesaw and SadGirl both make excellent points. If he is willing to adjust his behavior now that you've brought it up, that shows he really cares for you and respects your feelings.

However, the thing that I would be concerned with is his fear of commitment. Sometimes people flirt because they like the attention and always want to feel attractive to others. Some people are just naturally flirtatious and it's who they are. Other times people flirt because they cannot commit in a relationship. This could potentially be a sign of his inability to have a more serious relationship with you, unless he is just naturally flirtatious. He may stop the behavior in front of you, but may continue it without your presence. Is that something you are willing to accept and be OK with? You may want to have another conversation about his flirtations to explore this further.

[Bill3]

How interested are you in commitment? If you are interested, then you might want to focus on his telling you that he is afraid of commitment. How will you feel if you spend, say, two more years with him and are no closer to a committed relationship?

I don’t think that consistently staring at other women, eyeing them up and down, should be excused as a “man thing”. He chooses those actions. He chooses to do it to them, and he chooses to do it in front of you. He could choose differently. And he should.

[FallDuskTrain]

I am in agreement with Bill3. I believe that here the main issue is the following: “He has always told me he finds commitment scary and fears away from a serious relationship.”
I think you may already be at unease with the above statement and hence feel uncomfortable when he looks at other women.
And, no it is not okay nor it is a ‘man thing’ to flirt with other women unless you two are both in agreement with it.
I think your intuition is telling you the reality vs fantasy. Listen to your intuition and please do not ignore the red flags. When we are in love and want to make a relationship work, we tend to ignore the red flags and focus on the positive even if it does not necessarily represent the reality.