[SorryShaped]

I'm in a rough spot lately, and today was worse than yesterday.
I decided to go for a walk in the cold. My parents' neighbor decided to invite herself along. I don't even know this woman not have I spoken more than 5 minutes with her in total ever.
We talk first about general things and I mentioned I need to fix my brakes, which is becoming more urgent every time I drive.
Anyway, she gets my guard down and I tell her about me having bipolar one and being in a rough spot. She tried to empathize and failed horribly. It was almost cute how bad she was at that but so much more sad. That should tell you how messed up I am right now. We walked for about 25 more minutes with very little said. She started getting cold and it started getting dark so I offered my jacket. I wear layers in the winter and was fine without my jacket. She kept saying how sweet it was that I loaned her my jacket. My thought was "oh great now she wants me to fix something for her, just like everyone else that gets super nice all of a sudden. Maybe she just was impressed by my loaning her my jacket? Dunno. Leave it alone."
She asked me in to warm up. My parents live less than 2 minutes walk, but sure. She tells me she's been dealing with a lot of loneliness too and wants to hang out more.
The thing is, I find her skills at conversation horrid. She's not beneath me, just difficult to want to follow, not compatible it seems.
I say sure but not tonight I have a nerd club thing to go to.
She asks about tomorrow. I'm giving blood, recovering, and going to work out tomorrow. So, no.
Thursday, gym twice. She can come along to either. I can tell she doesn't work out or at least hasn't much before or has a "condition."
Friday? I have nothing. I'm internally saying ''just say no" but anyone this interested in my attention could be worth it. She keeps closer to me the whole time and sniffing my jacket, but not to be seen doing it. We set a loose date. Probably go get coffee and watch movies or maybe go to a movie. Works.
She goes to hand my jacket back so I can leave to get ready for my thing and kisses me, fully, on the lips, and not just a peck. No no no no no no no no! I am not at that kind of a point right now. Very bad to consider a relationship at all, even a new friendship in my low I'm in.
I then can't think, my mind is rolling like a snowball. Rock her world! I put my arms around her, pulled her close and planted a huge kiss on her lips and then a small one on her neck. I looked her in the eyes and said, "you're playing with fire here. Careful. Time for me to go get ready for something." I'd totally forgotten what it was I was going to do! I left, and walked directly into the mailbox at the end of the driveway as I was looking back at her in the window. I did start a fall but recovered completely gracelessly.
No. I cannot do this right now. I don't want to hurt her. I simply cannot. I don't have it in me to be in a relationship. Yikes! Not going to happen. But now I have a "date" with a woman I'm not really interested in but have some seriously bad signals to.

[unaluna]

How does this keep happening to you?! I gotta start working out...

Could you go, but have a discussion before and tell her you aren't looking for a relationship, just friends?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Could you go, but have a discussion before and tell her you aren't looking for a relationship, just friends?

Probably. I sent wrong signals today. I won't say I didn't enjoy it, but I really don't want that with her.
And yeah, working out makes all sorts of changes happen like these. I'm told I'm attractive, but I don't believe it.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Probably. I sent wrong signals today. I won't say I didn't enjoy it, but I really don't want that with her.
And yeah, working out makes all sorts of changes happen like these. I'm told I'm attractive, but I don't believe it.

Just going to say, maybe you should start believing you are attractive. Clearly women think so.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Just going to say, maybe you should start believing you are attractive. Clearly women think so.

I think I'll start wearing a fake booger when I don't want to be bothered, or a real one. Haha. Made myself laugh

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I think I'll start wearing a fake booger when I don't want to be bothered, or a real one. Haha. Made myself laugh

Lol. Laughing is good!

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Lol. Laughing is good!

I'm at the nerd thing and conversation here isn't involving to me. I just don't care any more about this. Mostly this loud and clearly drunk woman here is drawing all the attention to herself constantly. Obnoxium infinitum ad nauseum. Maybe she'll pass out. I'll take a pic if she does

Lol! What kind of nerd thing? What do you do there?

[seesaw]

Man, must suck to have women throw themselves at you...Lol...

Sorry, I know it's tough to be dealing with stuff and have someone want something from you. I think it shows what a good person you are that you don't want to hurt someone and know you aren't available in that way right now.

Meet up with her on Friday and just be honest. Tell her that you did enjoy kissing her, but it was a mistake because you can't give her any kind of commitment right now and you aren't healthy enough to be in a relationship right now. She'll be hurt but it will be far less than if you don't tell her. And she'll get over it. A kiss is just a kiss. It's not a contract.

Seesaw

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Lol! What kind of nerd thing? What do you do there?

It is an amateur radio club. Ours is very civic minded. We assist with parades and other events in town for traffic control and the like. I like the technical parts of radio much more than I like the people aspect. This makes radio kind of boring for me, because I'm not a big vocal person. I'm much more a writer, as you may have noticed.
It was fun enough watching the very drunk woman get more drunk and devolved, but at nearly the end of the whole thing, one of the guests of a member started talking about herbalism, meditation, and Buddhism. This made my evening! Those are subjects I'm very much into discussing. We didn't get to speak long, and I wish we had, but what I got made sitting at the far end of the table, being quiet and feeling so out of it, left out of it really, and likely by my own choices, worth it. I went from the feelings of isolation I had in high school and all school really, to feeling included. Noice!
So this ended well. I became a person for a little while tonight, almost 7 or so minutes! Victory.
I came back into my parents' house and was immediately cut down about something I had said I'd do but wholly forgotten because of the events earlier today. I apologized and started at it. Even with the crap I walked back into, I had a moment of being human, interacting in a normal people way, like normal people.
That's the title of an amazing book that tells the story of a family with a mentally disabled daughter. I recently found and read "like normal people" and am still in awe of how well the story is told the author, Karen E. Bender is amazing. I've started another of hers and it's a story about hurt so far. Sometimes we need to experience others' pain and sorrow, and their joy, to find our own more palatable.

I am so glad you had what sounds like a good night. That makes me very happy for you! The radio club sounds very interesting. I'm a bit nerdy too, but my vice is magic the gathering. Love it.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I am so glad you had what sounds like a good night. That makes me very happy for you! The radio club sounds very interesting. I'm a bit nerdy too, but my vice is magic the gathering. Love it.

I had over 6000 mtg cards going back to a few betas but mostly revised and fourth. I sold the ones the card shop wanted to pay rent while my then wife continued to drive up debt and claim poverty in the rent Dept. I did that for three months before I finally gave the remainder to my son and told him to share with his sister and if he sells, I get half. I'm still missing 2 Black Lotus from revised and have a standing offer for 1k each based on condition of my other cards. I'm sure my ex sold them to start the credit snowball with a secured card.

As for the accusation above... I think you need to consider that I have way too much difficulty making things up because life is so draining. I haven't written much fiction in a long time, because it feels fake. I tried recently and it was not at all easy.
I could show you the papers with numbers, but I throw them out when I put the numbers in my phone or because I simply don't want the number.
I also used to be a very serious manipulator, a fairly good social engineer. If you learn to let people think what they want to be is true, you can extract data from them. This was very useful for testing security at various places, for free and also for smiles and grins. In high school I could get the janitor's keys with a smile and 45 seconds of human conversation or get them to let me into wherever I wanted. It almost always worked. I frequently got my grades changed even throughout college both times, just by picking up certain aspects of someone, and using it with them to get what I wanted. I changed suspension into detention several times and didn't go to it once. It's very manipulative and very wrong too. I had a blast doing it at the time, but feel nothing but remorse for it now.
I try to be genuine now, and find that works very well too. I still notice these aspects of others, but I use those aspects to see a person and not a data set. If you met me in person, you'd not see it coming unless I wanted you to think I was up to something, which can be the easiest way to get someone interested in anything you want to distract with, even if it's absolutely nothing at all. I've had small crowds looking up at the sky, trying to see it and figure out what it was, when there wasn't anything at all.
These women obviously have issues. And, I'm a magnet for them. I'm terrible at everything and tell them so. I do flirt relentlessly and a lot of the time don't notice I'm doing it. I do find it fun. It's kind of a sickness, I think.

[seesaw]

Being able to read people is a great skill...use it to do good!

Or sell used cars! (j/k)

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Do you. That's all that matters.

[SorryShaped]

I changed it all when I became an empath or it all changed me. I can feel others' emotions without looking at them, just being somewhere near, even without seeing them. My glasses are my eyes to the world, and without them I'm nearly blind much more than a foot beyond my head. I see blob shapes that move around without my glasses. If the yoga instructor doesn't cue properly, I don't follow the class which is funny to me anyway. I can't see these people but I feel them. I sense their pain usually, and that seems to be the strongest emotion people have and that's sad, because it should be love. But, the people you meet at the gym are there to work things out, to work through something they aren't happy with, a discomfort, even a pain. Considering that, it's no wonder things happen at the gym so often. And, no wonder I sense so much pain there. Also at the gym, there are so many pheromones flying all over the place you can practically feel the wave of them slap you in the face when you open the door. You will probably say this is gross, but that slightly sweaty smell from a woman is intoxicating to me, probably because of pheromones. But today, this neighbor woman, that was more weird. I don't understand it at all. The more I think about her, the more I want to be interested, but as friends only.