I have a friend who I like. She likes me.. one problem... she likes someone else better. Sarah. Sarah I hate. Sarah is a jerk. But my friend always puts Sarah first.

I broke off the relationship but now I see my friend isn't talking so much. I would like to re friend her but... there is "sarah".

This happens a lot.

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I have a friend who I like. She likes me.. one problem... she likes someone else better. Sarah. Sarah I hate. Sarah is a jerk. But my friend always puts Sarah first.

I broke off the relationship but now I see my friend isn't talking so much. I would like to re friend her but... there is "sarah".

This happens a lot.

I was born 3rd in two sets of 3 children and still a subordinate position in friendships is distasteful. It's not difficult to imagine how an only child might feel as a subordinate in a click or friendship. If I consciously cannot bring myself to accept that someone I like likes another whom I don't like better than me, I might test that reality once or twice. Six repititions supposedly insures the information is learned and spread out over time, this might make it seem to me to be happening "all the time." Trying a little empathy here, I can see myself in the place scripted here, but I don't have a method for overcoming subordination, according to the stars I'm a born leader--the stars do have a following even if I might not.

I think if I had a friend who I liked and liked me I would keep her in my life and try to see her without Sarah being in attendance. Is that possible?

Yes, I agree with Sprout! Does Sarah need to be around? Can you hang out together without Sarah being present?

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes, I agree with Sprout! Does Sarah need to be around? Can you hang out together without Sarah being present?

I'm OK - You're not OK
People in this position feel themselves superior in some way to others, who are seen as inferior and not OK. As a result, they may be contemptuous and quick to anger. Their talk about others will be smug and supercilious, contrasting their own relative perfection with the limitation of others. [This is the "get rid of" Sarah position as taken here] .

Originally Posted by OldTaylor

I'm OK - You're not OK
People in this position feel themselves superior in some way to others, who are seen as inferior and not OK. As a result, they may be contemptuous and quick to anger. Their talk about others will be smug and supercilious, contrasting their own relative perfection with the limitation of others. [This is the "get rid of" Sarah position as taken here] .

HUH??? She said she doesn't like Sarah. What is wrong with suggesting she hang out with her friend without Sarah around? If you don't like someone, you don't want to be around them. Your post is very confusing to me. There is no superiority going on -- she simply does not like this person, and that is OK. Your post and remarks are far off.

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

HUH??? She said she doesn't like Sarah. What is wrong with suggesting she hang out with her friend without Sarah around? If you don't like someone, you don't want to be around them. Your post is very confusing to me. There is no superiority going on -- she simply does not like this person, and that is OK. Your post is far off.

The problem is Sarah is liked best. She likes Sarah best. Give her both or give her Sarah! Post is pro Sarah!

I am not in the mood to argue. I am really sick and tired and am not in a good mood. I am ducking out of this conversation. I made a suggestion to help the OP.

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I am not in the mood to argue. I am really sick and tired and am not in a good mood. I am ducking out of this conversation. I made a suggestion to help the OP.

Accurate assessment entered.

Originally Posted by OldTaylor

Accurate assessment entered.

What do you mean by that?

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

What do you mean by that?

By what?

Originally Posted by OldTaylor

By what?

Nvmd.....

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Nvmd.....

Uh . . . .

[divine1966]

Does Sarah has to be present when you hang out or talk with your friend? I’d just make sure I have my private time with my friend and then she can hang out with Sarah separatelly from you?

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Does Sarah has to be present when you hang out or talk with your friend? I’d just make sure I have my private time with my friend and then she can hang out with Sarah separatelly from you?

Playing "second fiddle" one remains in the orchestra to receive a paycheck and possibly a promotion to first violin. To disrupt the orchestra by going solo . . . Where is this leading?

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I have a friend who I like. She likes me.. one problem... she likes someone else better. Sarah. Sarah I hate. Sarah is a jerk. But my friend always puts Sarah first.

That right there is what stood out to me. I personally think if you have a friend who's putting someone else ahead of you, then it's no wonder why you would feel bad. I know what it's like to have a person who treats you quite poorly and to have your friends know that but still be really good friends with that person.

My question, however, is how is Sarah a jerk to you? What has she done?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by OldTaylor

Playing "second fiddle" one remains in the orchestra to receive a paycheck and possibly a promotion to first violin. To disrupt the orchestra by going solo . . . Where is this leading?

There is no orchestra. Emily doesn’t like Sarah and has no interest in being friends with her. I don’t see why that other lady can’t be friends with Sarah and Emily separately.

Orchestra analogy would be appropriate if this was group situation with everyone attached to the hip. Typically adults can have separate friendships with different people.

They don’t have to all play in The same orchestra. Perhaps that lady in question and Sarah are closer friends/best friends etc hence they appear to like each other more. But it doesn’t mean they can’t have other friends separate from each other

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by divine1966

There is no orchestra. Emily doesn’t like Sarah and has no interest in being friends with her. I don’t see why that other lady can’t be friends with Sarah and Emily separately.

Orchestra analogy would be appropriate if this was group situation with everyone attached to the hip. Typically adults can have separate friendships with different people.

They don’t have to all play in The same orchestra. Perhaps that lady in question and Sarah are closer friends/best friends etc hence they appear to like each other more. But it doesn’t mean they can’t have other friends separate from each other

True. Nevertheless, that's not the scenario provided. She sees rank and file. She sees an order that disturbs her senses and sensibility. She sees the reality Sarah. She searches for a change that is not hers to make.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by OldTaylor

True. Nevertheless, that's not the scenario provided. She sees rank and file. She sees an order that disturbs her senses and sensibility. She sees the reality Sarah. She searches for a change that is not hers to make.

We aren’t really provided with much of a scenario. We are told that such scenarios happen often. And that’s important point.

She can make her own changes. Plenty of options. Make new friends, explore the nature of her feelings about other people liked more, examine why such scenarios happen often?, see if Sarah might not be that bad of a jerk etc Although she isn’t able to change how that lady feels about Sarah, she can make other changes in regards to her own choices and relationships with people.

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by divine1966

We aren’t really provided with much of a scenario. We are told that such scenarios happen often. And that’s important point.

She can make her own changes. Plenty of options. Make new friends, explore the nature of her feelings about other people liked more, examine why such scenarios happen often?, see if Sarah might not be that bad of a jerk etc Although she isn’t able to change how that lady feels about Sarah, she can make other changes in regards to her own choices and relationships with people.

I like your appraisal of her options, it speaks to me of empathy a quality in your possession.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Does Sarah has to be present when you hang out or talk with your friend? I’d just make sure I have my private time with my friend and then she can hang out with Sarah separatelly from you?

Eeeks sorry this thread went south.

These two friends aren't local but every time I :hang: with my friend Sarah is either involved via butting in OR my friend is so besotted with her she thinks just like her / responds just like her.

I guess I don't really understand how someone gets that kind of power over someone and the other person is so besotted. Sarah is, imho, not a wonderful person and to me... has little to offer.

This kind of reminds me of how my friendship dynamics were back in the 7th and 8th grades...where "you can't be friends with such and such if you want to be friends with me" kind of thing. Very elementary school-like.

Surely this friend of yours can have her friendship with Sarah and also with you, separately? I hope you or Sarah are not making her feel pressured to choose one over the other, that would put her in an awkward position.

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

This kind of reminds me of how my friendship dynamics were back in the 7th and 8th grades...where "you can't be friends with such and such if you want to be friends with me" kind of thing. Very elementary school-like.

Nope. My friend willingly chooses Sarah. I am only acceptable if I keep my mouth shut and say nothing Sarah wouldn't like to hear. One reason I gave up on her. She is so besotted by Sarah she genuinely thinks of the world though Sarah's eyes so...

She is unduly influenced by her.

She wouldn't think that she was acting like a 7th or 8th grader but she would just the same.

[OldTaylor]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Nope. My friend willingly chooses Sarah. I am only acceptable if I keep my mouth shut and say nothing Sarah wouldn't like to hear. One reason I gave up on her. She is so besotted by Sarah she genuinely thinks of the world though Sarah's eyes so...

She is unduly influenced by her.

She wouldn't think that she was acting like a 7th or 8th grader but she would just the same.

Oh. The friend is "unduly influenced" by Sarah. To conceive such truth a type or source of influence might have been or might remain obvious? It might be seen as insurmountable in its observance. Try to dispel this mythical insurmountable influence and re-personify the diety Sarah.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Nope. My friend willingly chooses Sarah. I am only acceptable if I keep my mouth shut and say nothing Sarah wouldn't like to hear. One reason I gave up on her. She is so besotted by Sarah she genuinely thinks of the world though Sarah's eyes so...

She is unduly influenced by her.

She wouldn't think that she was acting like a 7th or 8th grader but she would just the same.

I wonder what it is about Sarah that your friend is so enamored with and how she is so easily influenced by Sarah? Since you have stated that Sarah has unlikable qualities and can be a jerk? The friend you like sounds a bit impressionable to me.

One option is to just make new friends and put both behind you. If Sarah keeps butting in and you can't say anything that Sarah wouldn't like to hear, that does not seem like a fair friendship dynamic. It's kind of like Sarah is the leader and your friend willingly follows.