[RubyRae]

For those that are married or in a committed relationship,what would be a definite deal-
breaker for you?What thing(s) would cause you to walk away from the relationship without giving the person another chance?

There isn't much for me. If he became physically violent or harmed our kids. If he was convicted of certain crimes. I can't think of anything else off the top of my head.

disrespect, berating, yelling, blaming, name calling, false accusations, drug/alcohol addictions, cheating, lying, meanness, lack of responsibility in life (a total slacker), lack of mortality and integrity, physical violence, to name most, if not all, of them.

[~Christina]

Cheat or hit it’s over , period

[TishaBuv]

Him putting us in debt, addiction- those kinds of things are deal breakers but could maybe be worked out. Physical abuse. Refusal to listen to me and respect me is a huge deal breaker for me.

[seesaw]

Abuse and violence...cheating...and refusal to communicate...and if he didn't like my dogs...

[seesaw]

My brother used to say there were five must haves, and I thought I'd share it here, just for fun...although I am not sure I necessarily agree with all of these but, here goes:

1. Must have job
2. Must have car
3. Must not have never been a man (again, these were my brother's)
4. Must not live with parents
5. ****, I can't remember the 5th...

Kind of seems like a stupid list to me. I've lived in many places where a car was unnecessary, and I know people who live with their parents and take care of them, or have separate garage apartments with their parents, having a job is important but what I would say is they must be independent - doesn't have to be employed to be independent, as far as #3, well, that's personal preference.

[RubyRae]

Do you all think there necessarily has to be a deal breaker before you leave?

How do people leave just because they're simply not happy?

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Do you all think there necessarily has to be a deal breaker before you leave?

How do people leave just because they're simply not happy?

Leaving because one is not happy is totally valid. Life is too short not to be happy.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Leaving because one is not happy is totally valid. Life is too short not to be happy.

It doesn't FEEL like a valid reason though.I feel cruel and heartless even contemplating it.

There are issues,many,that just seem so unresolvable,and I'm not happy with the way things are.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

It doesn't FEEL like a valid reason though.I feel cruel and heartless even contemplating it.

There are issues,many,that just seem so unresolvable,and I'm not happy with the way things are.

Well, is the unhappiness caused by the relationship or something else? And if there was something that was fixable that would help you be happy?

I think it really depends on the nature of the unhappiness and what is causing it.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by RubyRae

It doesn't FEEL like a valid reason though.I feel cruel and heartless even contemplating it.

There are issues,many,that just seem so unresolvable,and I'm not happy with the way things are.

Its not an easy decision by any means. If you have been unhappy for a while and can't see another solution, removing yourself from the situation is fair. You may want to try counselling first. Do everything you can and if it doesn't work, move on. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt is not a good reason to spend your life unhappy.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Well, is the unhappiness caused by the relationship or something else? And if there was something that was fixable that would help you be happy?

I think it really depends on the nature of the unhappiness and what is causing it.

Seesaw

We both have PTSD,mine is from childhood abuse,his is from a trauma not too many years ago.I have spent quite a few years in therapy learning to manage mine.His is untreated and unmanaged and he doesn't think he needs professional help.

It just feels like a toxic situation.I feel triggered by him often,which in turn triggers him.It seems like one of us is always dealing with one symptom or another.It's difficult to deal with.

I do believe things could turn around if he sought professional help.

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Its not an easy decision by any means. If you have been unhappy for a while and can't see another solution, removing yourself from the situation is fair. You may want to try counselling first. Do everything you can and if it doesn't work, move on. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt is not a good reason to spend your life unhappy.

He has said he wants to try marriage counseling.I think he needs to work through his own issues first before we work on repairing the marriage.

It's such a tough and hard situation to be in.He stood by me all these years and my issues and now,I just feel so horrible that I'm finding it hard to stand by him.Especially when dealing with my own crap.I feel like a horrible person for this.Of course he never set out to develop PTSD,but it has changed everything.

You are not a horrible person. Do you love him?

[RubyRae]

Yes,I do love him,very much.

I feel...so disappointed.This is not how it was supposed to be.I don't like having to be the strong one now,I don't like having to help him deal with his symptoms.I made so much progress in therapy and I am now able to do so much more than I was ever able to.I felt like I had a new lease on life,I could finally just start living life,enjoying life,and bam....he got PTSD too.

Does that sound horrible?Cause it sure feels horrible to say it.

You are not horrible. I promise you. The situation sucks and you are allowed to have negative emotions. Can you get him into therapy on his own?

[RubyRae]

I want to tell him to seek professional help or it's over.He doesn't want to go,doesn't think he needs to.

*yet,I also feel an obligation to be there for him,help him,as he has for me through the years*

You can be there for him as a friend if you can't be as a spouse. You need to take care of yourself too.

I got really unwell this year. My husband told me if we were going to continue our relationship I needed to do dbt therapy for my borderline. It was in both of our best interests and its a fair requirement.

[RubyRae]

I want to be there for him,as his spouse,but honestly I don't feel I can do this anymore.

Maybe I should give him an ultimatum even though he never gave me one.

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I want to be there for him,as his spouse,but honestly I don't feel I can do this anymore.

Maybe I should give him an ultimatum even though he never gave me one.

I understand why you feel bad, but pushing him to therapy is also a kindness for him. Have you suggested it before?

[RubyRae]

I have suggested it many times.He just doesn't think he needs to see anyone.

He did go to therapy a few years ago,only about 3 sessions,and then told me the T told him he was fine and didn't need to go back.I knew that wasn't true when he told me and then when he received a bill for a no call/no show he said there must have been a mistake because she had told him he didn't need to go.

I'm not the only one that thinks he needs professional help,everyone around us had talked to me about it.They won't mention it to him though and I really wish they would.

It sounds to me like an ultimatum is appropriate here if no one else will say it. Sometimes we need a good eye opener to push us in the right direction.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

It sounds to me like an ultimatum is appropriate here if no one else will say it. Sometimes we need a good eye opener to push us in the right direction.

Ya know,you're right.I only want him to get help,to get better,it's not like I wish him any ill intent.

Thank you for taking the time to reply....