[TeachingRebel]

Hi all. Wondering if you guys could give me some advise or tips.

Basically, I need to learn to 'calm down', not stress, not overanalyse and take each date when it comes, when I start a new relationship.

I'm a 32 year old guy who has had 3 long term relationships in the past, but lately I find myself in a panic and stressing. I have had a LOT of drama and pain in my previous relationships and I think that is part of it.

I have just started seeing this new girl and I have chosen a girl that is totally different to my ex's. But I'm constantly stressing out over STUPID things and am making things worse for myself. I keep thinking about getting married and spending 40 years sitting on the couch next to her and freaking out. Will we run outta things to say? what if our relationship goes sour in 10 years and things gets messy? What if I stop getting attracted to her one day etc. These silly things are overtaking my thoughts.

Basically, I am stressing out even before the relationship starts. I never used to be a commitment phobe, but I think all my previous drama has caused me to overanalyse.

I guess my main question is... How do I stop stressing, calm down and just take it one day at a time?

TLDR: Dude is overanalysing the start of a new relationship and stressing about future problems before it has even started.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Rebel: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Well... with regard to your particular concerns... you're in luck! My wife & I have been married for 38 years! So I think I know a thing or two about l-o-n-g term relationships! And what I would tell you is that, at least based on my own personal experience, all of the things you're worrying about are, in fact, more than likely to happen if you at some point get yourself into a long-term monogamous relationship.

You will end up sitting on the couch next to one another... (maybe not even next to one another.) You will run out of things to say. Your relationship will go sour after 10 years... maybe sooner... and likely again in 15, 20, or 25 years, etc. And yes there are likely to be periods where you will no longer feel attracted to her... (and she to you.) That's what long-term monogamous relationships are all about. What it all comes down to, at least in my experience, is commitment. You're either committed to one another... in for the long haul... or you're not. And, if you are, then you work through all of that stuff one day at a time. From my perspective at least, that's just the way it is.

Having written that... here are some links to articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subjects of stress & relationships:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...m-beating-you/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-cou...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-...ere-right-now/

I don't know, of course, if you're just here seeking advise with regard to this particular concern, or if you plan to hang in here with us. But if you plan to stick around, may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[TeachingRebel]

Thanks for that. Will have a look and yes, I will keep posting!

Originally Posted by TeachingRebel

Hi all. Wondering if you guys could give me some advise or tips.

Basically, I need to learn to 'calm down', not stress, not overanalyse and take each date when it comes, when I start a new relationship.

I'm a 32 year old guy who has had 3 long term relationships in the past, but lately I find myself in a panic and stressing. I have had a LOT of drama and pain in my previous relationships and I think that is part of it.

I have just started seeing this new girl and I have chosen a girl that is totally different to my ex's. But I'm constantly stressing out over STUPID things and am making things worse for myself. I keep thinking about getting married and spending 40 years sitting on the couch next to her and freaking out. Will we run outta things to say? what if our relationship goes sour in 10 years and things gets messy? What if I stop getting attracted to her one day etc. These silly things are overtaking my thoughts.

Basically, I am stressing out even before the relationship starts. I never used to be a commitment phobe, but I think all my previous drama has caused me to overanalyse.

I guess my main question is... How do I stop stressing, calm down and just take it one day at a time?

TLDR: Dude is overanalysing the start of a new relationship and stressing about future problems before it has even started.

Overanalysis and overthinking are signs you're not moving enough. You need to find a flow of life, and that includes being around people. Once you have a flow, you'll find yourself less worried about trivial stuff.

Wow, those are my fears too about a long term, committed relationship. Hearing what Skeezyks says, it makes me not want to commit to one! Ha.

That aside, how do you stop from overanalyzing? You realize in the moment what you are doing, you stop yourself and acknowledge where the relationship REALLY is, and you tell yourself that, this is the beginning of things... it is not marriage, it is not a commitment, we don't know where this is going yet and I have to take things as they are and not as they could turn out to be. You have to deliberately change your thoughts when they happen.

Now, in doing so, you can also acknowledge all of your fears, but you can put them aside in knowing that the relationship is brand new, and there is no way of knowing how it will turn out yet. You take things as they are, and as they unfold....

That being said, I have heard of marriages being different than what you describe. Take my own parents, as an example. They have been happily married for 55+ years and are very much still in love. They travel 1-2 times per year overseas, they are very active socially, they're very involved in their church and with their grandchildren's lives and lead a very interesting and dynamic life together. They wake up every morning, have their coffee, read the paper, listen to the news together and have long conversations, still to this day. They are absolutely adorable to watch. I live with them right now so I see their relationship first hand, every single day. Yes, they bicker sometimes and their relationship is not perfect, but they are each other's best friend. They also continue to live their lives & pursue their interests individually, so they each have something to contribute to the relationship.

And that is how I personally imagine a long term committed relationship being, ie, you become best friends. And when you have that kind of friendship, when that person is your confidante and is emotionally close to you, conversation doesn't just end. It's also so very important that each person remains their own individual and has their own life. That way, each person has something interesting to bring to the relationship at all times. People don't die because they are in a committed relationship.

So perhaps you could focus on that -- that long term committed relationships CAN work out and people don't necessarily always become bored of one another, less attracted and run out of conversation. My parents STILL look at each other with love, attraction and adoration, and they are both in their mid-seventies! They're SO cute!!!

So, in my own opinion, you want a best friend for a long term committed relationship. Looks will change, but the friendship remains in tact. And when people love each other deeply at that level, attraction remains.

[TeachingRebel]

Thanks for the advise. Me and her have had quite a few dates, I wasn't nervous at all and it was going really well.

This morning we went for a beach walk and on the way back she asked if we were a couple. We agreed to be a couple, then I started stressing out big time! I just had a bit of a panic in my head and I'm stressing now also even as I type. Thinking dumb things.. "Do I really really really like her? Is she right for me? Will I like her in a few years? Will my friends like her?" etc.

It's pretty annoying because I've been super excited everytime I see her and we get along great, I'm just mad at myself because of our 'official' status.

[TeachingRebel]

Rambling moment... would appreciate if someone who was online could reply to me as I feel a bit down :-(

Today was a bit weird... I just got home from a date with her. We went to the circus. It was great and I kept up a brave face but my anxiety was off the charts insanely. My mind would NOT stop resting. I was constantly thinking about her, getting married to her, could I handle having kids with herand being trapped?, looking at her face everyday forever?, sitting next to her for the next 40 years? Reeeeally dumb stuff that no rational person should even entertain thinking at this early stage.

Theres also a little bit of pressure because she herself has an eating disorder (so has her own anxiety issues) and my best mate set us up so I will feel bad if I end it. Shes also told me she really likes me and every time she does, I panic.

I have been single for 3 years and dont enjoy being single because I yearn to be with someone and feel loved and am super envious of others that are coupled up, but when I DO get coupled (or at least simply start to), I get this severe, intense, unhealthy anxiety.

The anxiety is not allowing me to go with the flow. Shes lovely, but I'm unable to make an accurate assessment of weather or not I am truly into her, or if I am really into her, but my anxiety is too severe.

I can't win. I shouldn't have to go on meds again or start therapy again just to have a relationship should I?

[TeachingRebel]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

That aside, how do you stop from overanalyzing? You realize in the moment what you are doing, you stop yourself and acknowledge where the relationship REALLY is, and you tell yourself that, this is the beginning of things... it is not marriage, it is not a commitment, we don't know where this is going yet and I have to take things as they are and not as they could turn out to be. You have to deliberately change your thoughts when they happen.

I work sooooo hard at telling myself this. But at some stage in my life if its with this girl or another, I need to commit again.

I'm worried my anxiety and fears and overthinking won't allow me to.