Obsessed with dating

I'm thinking out loud and venting a little. Feel free to respond if you think it might be helpful to me.

I decided to not date for a year. I feel mostly empowered about this. But there are some problems. 1.) I get lonely at night, romantically, and find myself wanting to go back on sites like OkCupid. 2.) Then I remember how ****** I felt on those sites, and back away. 3.) I have been learning about myself romantically by reading books on relationships, but I think its too much. I'm reading things that make me feel badly and disempowered around men, and I'm not even dating. There's a book about men by this woman named Barbara De Angelis, that...just reading the preview in amazon made me feel like ****. I don't know how to "un-see" and "un-read" what I read. It just made me feel terribly about myself and like I "know nothing about men." and that they are some kind of species I will always mess up around. I never felt like this before in the past.

Maybe I should meet men who make me feel good to hang around. There are guys like that. I'm not attracted to them physically though usually. Regardless, I think its important to spend time with people who are good people, and kind.

Honestly, I think OkCupid truly sucks. The same guys are on there all the time, its just weird and I don't feel happy there. I think I need to do something else to remedy my loneliness at night. The only reason I do OkCupid and not Match or Eharmony, is that I don't have the money, and I'm still feeling weird about not working and being on a dating site (I seriously just think "**** that ********" about the second concern, but it is an insecurity).

I am going to talk to my therapist about this. I don't know if it would be good to date online right now. I am very sensitive about rejection and the whole disappointment thing. I think its a good idea to 1.) stop reading negative stuff that says its "Helping." 2.) find a way to empower myself 3.) talk to my therapist 4.) find a way to combat my loneliness at night without going back on OkCupid.

<3 Thanks for listening.

I think finding a way to address the loneliness without going back on OkCupid is a fantastic idea. It sounds like this site does not serve you in a positive way at all, and in fact makes you feel worse. I hope you are able to find a good replacement for that.

Thanks!!

How about some meetups groups that you don’t have to spend money on such as walking group for example? Or maybe volunteering? You won’t be lonely and will be around others but it’s also not dating. I did those things when I was lonely but wasn’t up to dating.

My therapist recommends to get very busy when you feel lonely so you don’t date out of boredom. Even if you don’t work at the moment you could maybe busy yourself with other things?

Hugs. Good job recognizing what’s wrong for you at the moment.

PS I agree about some books. They not helping or even mess by with your brain. We once had this guy who wrote “men are from mars ...” series giving a speech in my town. I went with my male friend and we were both like WTF? None makes sense. Books about gender role are bunch of BS. I agree with you about talking to a therapist about it

Thank you Divine! Those are all really good ideas.
I struggle with time balance, getting overwhelmed with too much, but then sometimes just find myself with nothing to do at all. I have heard you say before, that being busy is really helpful. I agree with this, and at least, would like to try it out and experiment with my time. Especially in the evening. Thanks!

I write things down that I'm momentarily interested in or just catch my fancy. And indeed there's often unexpected (or at least unplanned-for) time in the evening, so I just open that list... and that works. (Well, without getting into the specific details of my implementation.) And writing things down is the best in general.

Hi ArcheM, I like the idea of having a list to refer to, too. That's a good idea. Thank you.

Hi starrysky,

I think it's great that you're taking a break from the world of online dating. There are definitely better ways to combat your loneliness than using online dating.

I like divine and scaredandconfused's suggestions to you. Meetup is a great way to stop feeling lonely because you get to meet other people who share your same interests.

You never know, you may meet someone in a Meetup group that you join, to date. You increase your dating odds when you participate in more groups like the ones available through social networking websites like Meetup.

I hope you find something that works for you. Good luck!

Dating is a great thing. There's nothing wrong with being obsessed with this imo

Also I would say that online dating sites can be tough sometimes to find the right person for you