[Bloomhappy]

My husband grew up with a verbally abusive father, and passive aggressive mother. After we married, he confronted them about the abuse, and some counseling was done. I was a part of one counseling session.... His parents said "We're sorry for anything we did"... But they did not keep the boundaries set by the counselor. So my husband and I decided to stop contact with them. My husband was not a very strong person at that time.. and we had a 4 year old and a 1year old.
Because of some other major betrayals (not adultry), my marriage is very strained. We are basically living separately in the same house, parenting our 11 and almost 15 year old kids the best we can.
In November, my husband decided to re-establish contact with his parents, without discussing it with me until a week before he left. He wanted to tell them that he was wrong to "keep the grandchildren away from them" and "he is giving them a clean slate". A week before he left, I begged him not to tell them these things... But to say that he wanted to start contact again and build a healthy relationship.
He agreed to my request, but when I asked him about it specifically after he returned home, he said that he couldn't keep to what we agreed, and he told them they were starting over, etc...
I feel betrayed all over again.
He has been having lots of phone calls with them, and has been putting the kids on the phone with them every week. I listened in on the last call. Everyone was polite, but my in-laws kept saying " we'll see you soon".
Now my husband wants us all to visit them. I told him I would go in the summer, and we should stay at a hotel... Space for everyone to relax, etc. He refuses. Please help me with what to say!

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree it is pretty rude of him of doing these things withouth talking to you first, but why are you opposed to him re-estabilishing contact with his parents? Are you afraid he might get hurt once again, or that your marriage could suffer?

[Bloomhappy]

I am so stressed about my relationship with my husband, and trying to deal with the betrayals, and I don't need anything new to deal with... His parents are manipulative and difficult on a good day. I tried to compromise. Y saying that we could go, and stay in a hotel so we'd have some space to relax... He insists we should stay at their house. And if I don't agree, even if I'm not comfortable, he will say that I am unforgiving.
I was blindsided by this to start with... And now he is rushing me and my kids into a relationship with them that we aren't ready for. I don't see why he can't see that it would be bed for our marriage to do this to me... In Addition to everything else.

[maybeblue]

It would make sense to me to approach re-establishing contact with his parents slowly too. Staying at a hotel seems like a reasonable compromise. However, since they are his parents, not yours, you can't really dictate to him how he should do it.

I do think that your first responsibility needs to be to protect your children and yourself. You don't have to go, but I can see that you might want to if the kids are going. If he is absolutely insistent that you all go and stay at their house, maybe you should make an escape plan just in case. Maybe you reserve a hotel room and make sure that you have enough money to pay for transportation to it if it is needed?

It's not being unforgiving to make sure you are safe, but since this seems really important to your husband it also makes sense to try to do what you can to accommodate him while at the same time making sure that both you and the kids are OK.

[hvert]

Can you just tell him you don't care to visit them and wish him a happy visit? We stayed in a hotel visiting the in-laws for the first time this year. It was much, much better. Took me nine years of begging before it happened.

[Nammu]

What maybeblue said.

[healingme4me]

I agree with the idea of having a backup plan in place.

How is it unforgiving of you where it's his family and his rift? That makes little sense to me on his end. Plus, just because they are his family, doesn't make them anything less like strangers to you and your kids where there's been no contact most of their lives and I'm presuming most of the time that you've known your husband. Of course you feel hesitation. Gosh, staying at my dad's for a couple of days with kids and other new to me adult children last month was anxiety provoking. In a town I'd never been to and a serious lack of coffee...

I digress. Hoping he'll show you a little compassion. Maybe he's realizing his parents are aging?