[NotSureFriend]

I'm struggling with guilt over starting a new relationship with a friend's ex girlfriend and not sure what to do.

My friend, let's call him J, dated a woman M for a year and a half. I knew J for several years, but became close to both of them over the last year. I really respect and like them both and we had a lot of fun times.

J moved to California in August and M was planning to move with him once she secured a job. They broke up around Thanksgiving which I was really sad to hear. The breakup was caused by J getting cold feet M was understandably heartbroken. I began seeing a lot of M and developed feelings for her quickly. I swear these feelings were NOT there while J and M were dating. Two weeks after they broke up I confessed to having a crush on her. M initially rebuffed me, but I was so smitten I couldn't help myself. I really think she's someone special.

Eventually she changed her mind and we started dating around New Years. I really, really like her as a person. I'm not sure about the potential but I do like her. M told J that we were dating around this time and he said he was very hurt. He said he felt betrayed by me, that he still loves M and wants her back. M seems to want to be with me, but at times she seems conflicted too.

I don't want to lose this chance with her but I also don't know what I owe my friend. We're all in our mid-30s and should know better than to do this kind of messy thing, but here we are. I fear I am just a rebound or worse getting in the way of the two of them reconciling. What should I do?

[Skeezyks]

Hello NotSure: So... personally I don't see any problem here with regard to your dating "M". She was with "J". They broke up when he got cold feet. Perhaps J should have thought twice before he ditched M. Now, all of a sudden, he finds out you & M are seeing each other. J wants M back & you're cast as an unfaithful friend. Oh, p-l-e-a-s-e!

From my perspective the one real potential problem here, as you clearly realize, could be that M might suddenly decide she prefers J & you'll be cast aside... at least until J gets cold feet yet again & decides to break it off a second time. To me, you don't owe J anything. If anything, he owes you an apology. But you do need to be mindful of the potential ongoing entanglements this situation could produce. And so the question becomes... do you care enough for M that you're willing to take the risk? Only you know the answer to that question.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[~Christina]

I had a situation years ago with a girlfriend of mine hooked up with an ex BF of mine just a couple weeks after we broke up.

I was very hurt and I did end my friendship with her.

I’ve always lived by the don’t date your friends ex’s law.

Hope your not the rebound guy and things do indeed work for you and her and also your friendship with J

[Bill3]

You could wait two months and see how people are feeling at that time.

[Crazy Hitch]

If things don't work out between you and her ... you lose not only her but you lose your friend too.

I think dating a good friend's gf is a no no, personally.

[TishaBuv]

There is an unspoken rule of a close friend’s ex is off limits. Especially for you, this all happened so soon, and you do seem like the rebound guy, and they may get back together and there goes your friendship with them both.

Ooh boy, that is tricky, but I do think you run the risk of both being the rebound guy and losing your friendship with J. He still loves her and wants her back. And she is showing signs of feeling conflicted. I would step back and out of the way of the two of them. She dated you very quickly after him and most likely is not over him.. which smells of rebound.

[bunnyhabit]

two weeks after your friend breaks up with his girlfriend and your already trying to dog her. omg i glad you not my friend. you should feel very guilty and uncomfortable backstabbing your friend by seducing his recent girlfriend so quickly without discussing to hm.

shame on you. I hope you dump her back to him and apologize to both of them.

[MickeyCheeky]

I feel like you should be able to date whoeveer you want. However, it's understandable your friend would feel hurt. I'd suggest to take a break and wait a few months to see what happen. And maybe discuss this with your friend.