Mother's health issues plus difficult relationship

You did what you've had to do, rechu. I don't think you have any obligation to do more. Jus try to focus on yourself and your husband. You've definitely earned it. Sending many hugs to you

Thanks Mickey and Rose. That is what I feel too. I made one last effort, but I don't see the point in doing more. I am going to focus on my life with my husband. We have the big move coming up, so that is going to take up most of my energy in time in the near future. Its kind of nice to have that to focus on, to be honest.

I hope you're doing better, rechu. Good on you for taking care of yourself. Be proud of yourself for that. You have already given many chances to your mother, after all. You did all you've had to do to se things right with her, but it takes two people to make this kind of thing. If she wants things to get better or apologize to you, she can still contact you anytime. Sending many hugs to you

I think you've discovered one of the great keys to living well. When you have something constructive to put your attention and energies into . .
something you've chosen as a project to advance your own goals . . . then something in your life that's distressing, like the impact of your mother's behavior, gets crowded out. That's the best thing that can happen.

Someone like your mother is looking to take up a lot of space in your mind. By acting distant, she's actually looking to get under your skin. She enjoys unsettling you. It's a kind of power. Her plan gets foiled when you are, basically, too busy to care. Good luck with the move.

Thanks Rose, yeah, she probably is trying to get into my head. I think I am doing better as far as not letting her.

In a way I find it amusing that she would hate the house we are buying. It’s new construction in a gated community where there are a few styles of houses to choose from. Basically, the prices of both rentals and houses for sale have gone up a lot in recent years due to a housing shortage, so after analyzing our options it was what works best for us. She was always a snob and would say it must be terrible to live in a place like that.

It’s her loss if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with her own daughter. If I start to feel a bit badly for her, I remember the hostile face and body language the last few times we skyped. It may sound weird, but the last time it was almost like you could sense the bitterness and toxicity festering inside of her, making her health so poor.

Hey even my husband who at first tried to blame the stroke recently turned to me and said, “that conversation with your mom, it was awful.” That it was!

It certainly is her loss. Your mom sounds like someone who clearly knows how to create her own purgatory. (Maybe your parents' friends canceling had a little bit to do with your mom's personality issues. Just a thought.) As life rolls on - and her health problems exacerbate - your mom will probably become an increasingly sad figure. That snobbish, superior attitude you've described is the classic facade behind which deeply insecure people hide. It's really she who doesn't feel "good enough." Early in life, she make have been the subject of a parent's withering criticism. So - what she received, she passes on. People don't get like her without help, IMHO.

What really distresses you is not the way your mom behaves toward you. It is the big, disappointing contrast between what you thought you could have with a mom, and what you actually have with this mom. Since you're independent and in a good marriage, your mom can't really hurt you. She's quite powerless. When you accept that she is who she is and she's not going to change . . . much, then you can let go of some of the hurtful disappointment. I don't think we can ever be sure of how much of a person's behavior is even under the person's control. (Not that I'm saying bad behavior should be endured. Limit your exposure.)

You've made a success of your life. You deserve approval. It's natural to crave that, as all sons and daughters do. She can give it, not for long. Always, she will yank it away. That's how my father could be at times. I wish I had understood things better when he was alive. That maybe he couldn't help it. That I didn't really need him to approve of me. Would have been nice, but not essential to my wellbeing. In retrospect I'm sorry for how he suffered . . . right up to the end. I feel more compassion for him now.

Good points as usual, Rose. I know people who say their mom is their best friend, things like that. It took work to accept that I won't have that kind of relationship, ever, but over time I have made peace with it. It is what it is, as they say.

From what she has mentioned at times, my grandmother was very critical of her when she was growing up. Sadly she has repeated the pattern.

And, yes, she is extremely insecure. She's the thinnest-skinned person I know, unable to handle the most minor criticism. Interestingly she has always loved to tell me I am the over-sensitive one. Projection, I guess.

Wow! You don't know how well you have just described my father. Same story: my grandmother was harsh.

Enjoy your successes . . . and that you probably won't continue the cycle. The negativity won't get passed on through you.