Past: Person A. acts dumb and helpless to transfer responsibilites to you, to get attention, or as some kind of a manipulative tactic. She texts you during work hours and harass you for every little information that she could easily find on her own by looking it up on the Internet. Wishing to be no longer bothered, you refer her to the website that she already knows to get that information, and she gets mad at you for "insulting her intelligence." But if she is so competent, why play dumb and helpless?

[I think this is more about her not liking the fact that I will no longer "cater" to her demands. I am also at fault here for enabling her for so long when I should have said from the beginning, "Don't bother me at work. Look it up yourself."]

Recent: One day, you come late to a big family function and see her grab a new soon to be in-law, and have a conversation with her. You can see from the gesture that they are talking about the ring on this soon-to-be in-law's finger. When Person A. realizes that you are there ten minutes later, she says "Hi" and asks, "Do you know who S.'s new fiancee is? Is she here yet?" like she has no idea.

[I didn't confront her for pretending to not know the information she already knew because I didn't want any drama.]

What would you have done at that point?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'd just avoid her if you feel this way about her, ennie. Is that possible? Perhaps you could try to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there, if you haven't already. Make her understand how this is bothering you. I'm so sorry, people like this can be very annoying. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'd just avoid her if you feel this way about her, ennie. Is that possible?

Yes. I avoid her now as much as possible. I don't like bumping into her at family functions but am relieved that she cannot bother me at the capacity that she did before. I still can't believe myself for actually catering to her ridiculous demands before, not realizing that behind that helpless mask to buy my sympathy, were her self-serving motives. As far as her acting dumb recently (after I distanced myself from her), I don't know what benefit she was hoping to gain from pretending not to know. I mean, her acting dumb will not make me consider resuming regular communication with her. Only her acting healthy would make me consider that.

[s4ndm4n2006]

to be honest, why let these things take up enough energy to write a post about? I mean you handled things in a way that seems appropriate in both situations and they are gone. Are you asking for validation that you don't like the behavior of these other people? As mickey said, avoid these people whenever possible and keep things concise and to the point when you're forced to interact. Idk what else can be done, some people are fake, others aren't. some people are pretentious etc.. deceptive and such. worry more about those that matter in your life not the inconsequential people that you're forced to be involved with from time to time.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

to be honest, why let these things take up enough energy to write a post about? I mean you handled things in a way that seems appropriate in both situations and they are gone. Are you asking for validation that you don't like the behavior of these other people? As mickey said, avoid these people whenever possible and keep things concise and to the point when you're forced to interact. Idk what else can be done, some people are fake, others aren't. some people are pretentious etc.. deceptive and such. worry more about those that matter in your life not the inconsequential people that you're forced to be involved with from time to time.

Bumping into her recently triggered me. So I guess I am venting a bit... but I think you are right. Life's too short to worry about people like that.

[divine1966]

If you are busy at work, then the easiest way is to not respond until work day is over. I don’t think it’s necessary to even tell her not to bother you. Just don’t respond.

As about asking about fiancée, I don’t see any reason to make a big deal about it. She might be just making small talk conversations. Or she really isn’t that smart. Ton of people have below average intelligence (I try to avoid calling them dumb but I think that’s what you mean), there is nothing that you need to do about it. It’s just what it is

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by ennie

Past: Person A. acts dumb and helpless to transfer responsibilites to you, to get attention, or as some kind of a manipulative tactic. She texts you during work hours and harass you for every little information that she could easily find on her own by looking it up on the Internet. Wishing to be no longer bothered, you refer her to the website that she already knows to get that information, and she gets mad at you for "insulting her intelligence." But if she is so competent, why play dumb and helpless?

[I think this is more about her not liking the fact that I will no longer "cater" to her demands. I am also at fault here for enabling her for so long when I should have said from the beginning, "Don't bother me at work. Look it up yourself."]

Recent: One day, you come late to a big family function and see her grab a new soon to be in-law, and have a conversation with her. You can see from the gesture that they are talking about the ring on this soon-to-be in-law's finger. When Person A. realizes that you are there ten minutes later, she says "Hi" and asks, "Do you know who S.'s new fiancee is? Is she here yet?" like she has no idea.

[I didn't confront her for pretending to not know the information she already knew because I didn't want any drama.]

What would you have done at that point?

You can always try this:
LMGTFY

[TishaBuv]

“[I think this is more about her not liking the fact that I will no longer "cater" to her demands. I am also at fault here for enabling her for so long when I should have said from the beginning, "Don't bother me at work. Look it up yourself."]”

^This

We get into a toxic pattern with people and then when we try to stop, we lose the relationship.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

You can always try this:
LMGTFY

LOL. Thanks Sarah.

Originally Posted by divine1966

If you are busy at work, then the easiest way is to not respond until work day is over. I don’t think it’s necessary to even tell her not to bother you. Just don’t respond.

As about asking about fiancée, I don’t see any reason to make a big deal about it. She might be just making small talk conversations. Or she really isn’t that smart. Ton of people have below average intelligence (I try to avoid calling them dumb but I think that’s what you mean), there is nothing that you need to do about it. It’s just what it is

FYI. This is the same person whom I posted about previously, who bought my sympathy for financial help and I found out she was going on nice vacations; excessive asking of favors, etc. The issue I have with her is not actually being dumb and helpless but manipulatively playing that role. The issue I have with myself, which is a greater one, is a fear of giving in, until I complete therapy and build a stronger backbone. But when she is not around, I should not worry about her. It's not healthy to let my fear from occasional encounters at these family functions linger into my daily living...of course that's easier said than done. My mind knows it but it takes a while for feelings to catch up

[downandlonely]

I take it this is a family member? Family can be hard because we can't always cut them out of our lives completely.

I started putting my cell phone on silent at work. I can check messages at lunch and after work.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

“[I think this is more about her not liking the fact that I will no longer "cater" to her demands. I am also at fault here for enabling her for so long when I should have said from the beginning, "Don't bother me at work. Look it up yourself."]”

^This

We get into a toxic pattern with people and then when we try to stop, we lose the relationship.

Like Divine said, I should have ignored her when I'm working (no matter how "desperate" her voice mail sounded). Even though I can't change the past, I will learn from my mistakes, and will try to do better in the future. I only have therapy once a month, so PC has been helpful in-between sessions!

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I take it this is a family member? Family can be hard because we can't always cut them out of our lives completely.

I started putting my cell phone on silent at work. I can check messages at lunch and after work.

Yes. A distant relative on my father's side of the family. Thanks for the great tip.

I would treat them exactly how the act, like an idiot.

[AspiringAuthor]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I take it this is a family member? Family can be hard because we can't always cut them out of our lives completely.

I started putting my cell phone on silent at work. I can check messages at lunch and after work.

I have "Do not disturb" on all the time. One reason for it is my ruined credit (a very long story why) and most of my incoming calls are from creditors so I do not want them to distract me at work, but it is also a very nice way to have complete control over when you have conversations with people. I do my own recruiting so I phone screen people a lot and I make phone appointments with them and call them at the agreed upon time. I also go for short walks when I talk on the phone, so I kill two birds at once. You can say to your problematic distant relative that you have "do not disturb" on at work all the time and only listen to your messages after work because you are very busy. Saying so would accomplish two goals: inform her that you would not rise to the occasion with her and, subtly, remind her that you are busier than she is and that your time is valuable and deserves protection. Hopefully she will catch the drift. You can even tell her that you now exercise during lunch hour and are not available to retrieve voice messages, but would however check messages and return phone calls after work. If she does not get instant gratification of bothering when when she wants to bother you, she might stop her pursuit of you altogether. I also like Sarah's suggestion in re: Google and would take it a step further. Say, if your relative asks about butterflies, you can text her or email her or Facebook message her telling her that, by the way, on Google, she can specify image search - butterflies - Google Search - to see only pictures of butterflies, or, if she has her own picture of a butterfly, she can use Google's reverse image search by uploading that picture and let Google figure out what specifies of butterfly her butterfly belongs to, and on and on, that kind of thing. And end with "from the questions you were asking I figured that you did not realize how powerful Google's capabilities are" and that you would be more than happy to show her how to perform advanced searches on Google. All with a poker's face. Hopefully she will cease and desist after that.

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

If she does not get instant gratification of bothering when when she wants to bother you, she might stop her pursuit of you altogether.

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

And end with "from the questions you were asking I figured that you did not realize how powerful Google's capabilities are" and that you would be more than happy to show her how to perform advanced searches on Google. All with a poker's face. Hopefully she will cease and desist after that.

Great to keep as future references (Thank you!) in an event a situation like this arises again (even with someone else). I always get fresh insights on PC.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I would treat them exactly how the act, like an idiot.

LOL. That's how they show their true colors, by getting mad that I insulted their intelligence.

P.S.
I have worked with a homeless woman who really didn't have the skills to use the Internet on her Obama phone, and she was truly appreciative that I showed her. I consider this homeless woman to be a very smart person, because she is smart enough to pursue skills that she needs, and not waste her time or my time by pretending not to know something she already knows.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ennie

LOL. That's how they show their true colors, by getting mad that I insulted their intelligence.

P.S.
I have worked with a homeless woman who really didn't have the skills to use the Internet on her Obama phone, and she was truly appreciative that I showed her. I consider this homeless woman to be a very smart person, because she is smart enough to pursue skills that she needs, and not waste her time or my time by pretending not to know something she already knows.

the difference between intelligence and wisdom. I would consider the person you are talking about was wise, even if not necessarily smart about technology but wise enough to know if you don't know, you need to rely on others and wise enough to respect them for giving you the info.

I am practicing two things. Saying “I don’t know” to people who demand information or answers... especially people who do not reciprocate if I need something... and not responding at all. This is hard for me because I like to be a helpful person. It’s a boundary setting issue and I’m not good at it but I’m working to do better.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I am practicing two things. Saying “I don’t know” to people who demand information or answers... especially people who do not reciprocate if I need something... and not responding at all. This is hard for me because I like to be a helpful person. It’s a boundary setting issue and I’m not good at it but I’m working to do better.

I like the idea “ I don’t know”, I should try that!

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by ennie

Past: Person A. acts dumb and helpless to transfer responsibilites to you, to get attention, or as some kind of a manipulative tactic. She texts you during work hours and harass you for every little information that she could easily find on her own by looking it up on the Internet. Wishing to be no longer bothered, you refer her to the website that she already knows to get that information, and she gets mad at you for "insulting her intelligence." But if she is so competent, why play dumb and helpless?

[I think this is more about her not liking the fact that I will no longer "cater" to her demands. I am also at fault here for enabling her for so long when I should have said from the beginning, "Don't bother me at work. Look it up yourself."]

Recent: One day, you come late to a big family function and see her grab a new soon to be in-law, and have a conversation with her. You can see from the gesture that they are talking about the ring on this soon-to-be in-law's finger. When Person A. realizes that you are there ten minutes later, she says "Hi" and asks, "Do you know who S.'s new fiancee is? Is she here yet?" like she has no idea.

[I didn't confront her for pretending to not know the information she already knew because I didn't want any drama.]

What would you have done at that point?

What makes you so sure it's an act?The reason I ask is I thought someone was doing things,acting that way on purpose and I really treated them like **** over it.It turns out they have had a silent stroke and a brain tumor.

It's easy to judge,easy to ridicule.easy to assume what's going on with someone but in reality we have no clue.I feel like a complete idiot for the way I treated the person and from now on I will not assume or judge.

Just sayin'.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I like the idea “ I don’t know”, I should try that!

As in...Hey teacher? Why is the sky blue? Lol...

Sorry, not sorry for the slight sidetrack

[healingme4me]

I'm all in for silencing of phones and not checking messages. I truly lack time at work for personal business. I used a work journal for a while. Discovered that I was lucky to have 5 minutes during any given day. It was enlightening. I was trying to track something completely different but tuned into my own reality.

It's good to learn that you aren't comfortable doing for others what they can do for themselves. And it's ok to say so. "Hey, I'm really busy. I'm sure that you can look into this yourself. You know this."

[AspiringAuthor]

I think "I wish I knew" sounds softer than "I do not know" and is easier on both the speaker and the listener.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

I think "I wish I knew" sounds softer than "I do not know" and is easier on both the speaker and the listener.

Of course. “I don’t know” was a joke. It’s also ok to say that you are busy and will see if you can help later