[samkid]

I dont know if this topic belongs here but ya

Me and ex-girl broke up 3 months ago. She has low-self esteem depression. I plan on talking to her once a month. Giving her space and time.

Last month she asked me to be her friend and come to her bday party, I said I couldn't because I want to be more than friends. She said would like to but she doesn't like herself and can't get over the insensitive jokes I made about her body. I said I was sorry but she couldn't forgive.

I meet up with her last week to try to cheer her up, she didn't leave her bed for a week. We catch up, share some old memories and jokes. She just can't seem to forgive me for a few bad comments/jokes I made about her body. I said I was sorry she can't get past it. she put me in a group of people that she didn't expect to hurt her. Beyond on that, we had a great relationship, we were best friends. She said she misses me, talking and hang out but at the same time, she wants me to move on and find someone else. I am 6 years older than her. She starts therapy this week or the next.

I'm confused, any advice? Anything I can do to support her?

[~Christina]

Hopefully T will help her.

I say give her time and let her know you are there for her.

Good luck

[Rose76]

I think you have to take your cue from her and what she is telling you. You have no obligation to go to the birthday party.

You say you are sorry, but you minimize the offense by saying it was just "a few bad comments/jokes . . . " There's the problem right there. You don't think what you said was any big deal. Denigrating the appearance of a girl or woman is a pretty sure-fire way to torpedo a romance. You don't seem to get it. That's what she thinks.

[samkid]

I initially did. I have apologized. No one is perfect. I honestly tried to make amends. I told her I wish I can take it back. I'm trying to right my wrongs.

[samkid]

what more can I do?

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by samkid

I initially did. I have apologized. No one is perfect. I honestly tried to make amends. I told her I wish I can take it back. I'm trying to right my wrongs.

The thrust of what you say seems to be that she is unreasonable. That's not how apologies work. Is there a history of her expecting you to be "perfect?"

Whenever someone couches an spology in the context of "I'm not perfect." or "I'm only human." or "I made a mistake." that pretty much negates the apology.

Whatever you said came across as you finding her unattractive. I don't think I could stay with a guy who I believed did not find me beautiful. It sounds to a woman like the guy is saying, "I'm with you because I couldn't get a really pretty girl. So I'm willing to settle for you." A woman thinks, "Hey, don't bother."

That she still wants you as a friend sounds like she's leaving the door open and might even be hoping that you will win her back. Being real sorry - and I believe you are - doesn't matter because she believes what you said is how you really feel. That's what you have to undo. Since you want her back, you must feel some attraction to her. That's the message you have to play up.

[samkid]

Originally Posted by Rose76

The thrust of what you say seems to be that she is unreasonable. That's not how apologies work. Is there a history of her expecting you to be "perfect?"

Whenever someone couches an spology in the context of "I'm not perfect." or "I'm only human." or "I made a mistake." that pretty much negates the apology.

Whatever you said came across as you finding her unattractive. I don't think I could stay with a guy who I believed did not find me beautiful. It sounds to a woman like the guy is saying, "I'm with you because I couldn't get a really pretty girl. So I'm willing to settle for you." A woman thinks, "Hey, don't bother."

That she still wants you as a friend sounds like she's leaving the door open and might even be hoping that you will win her back. Being real sorry - and I believe you are - doesn't matter because she believes what you said is how you really feel. That's what you have to undo. Since you want her back, you must feel some attraction to her. That's the message you have to play up.

I'll stop trying to negate the apology. I tell her she great, beautiful, funny and smart a lot of times but she doesn't remember that. How do I play this up? How do I undo this?

[Rose76]

Well, maybe you're doing all you can. Then, again, you won't go to the birthday party, unless she takes you back as a boyfriend. That seems like you've just got to have things your way.

Actually, I don't believe that ex-romantic partners can stay connected as "just friends." So what you're saying does make sense to me, if it's over as a romance. No normal guy wants to hang around a woman he desires just to be buddies. So I'm not telling you to do that. It boils down to whether you are giving up on getting her back.

From what you describe of her emotional tendencies, she sounds pretty sensitive and not someone who can blow off what disturbs her. So maybe the two off you really just aren't right for each other. It may be that this is all an excessive reaction. I think you have to look at the history you've had together. Is this part of a pattern? Any couple are going to have ups and downs and rub each other the wrong way. If she has zero tolerance for being hurt, she's probably not going to last too long with any guy. She may have unrealistic expectations.

[samkid]

The birthday already happened. I think it’s not right to go be friends with someone you want something more.

Remember she has self-esteem depression. That is cause of her behaviour. She has held comments I have made 6, 10 months ago. It just now starting to bother her. I wish someone here knew have some experience dealing with self esteem depression. Some insight would be good.

Maybe we are not meant for each other but only want to find out is when she gets cursed or able handle her mental illness

[MickeyCheeky]

I don't believe you can do more than what you're already doing... support her, and perhaps try to educate yourself a bit more about self-esteem issues. Hopefully she will improve over time.. but that might a very long time.

[samkid]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I don't believe you can do more than what you're already doing... support her, and perhaps try to educate yourself a bit more about self-esteem issues. Hopefully she will improve over time.. but that might a very long time.

I will educate myself more.
Why do you believe it will take a very long time?

[Bill3]

Sometimes hurtful words just are never forgotten, whether or not a person is depressed.

I can remember certain hurtful words from long ago. They don't sting anymore, and I don't resent them anymore, but no matter how much the person apologized, even today I would still be wary of getting close to them again.

I don't know if that is the case with your ex, but it might be. To mock a woman's body is to strike very deep.

[samkid]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Sometimes hurtful words just are never forgotten, whether or not a person is depressed.

I can remember certain hurtful words from long ago. They don't sting anymore, and I don't resent them anymore, but no matter how much the person apologized, even today I would still be wary of getting close to them again.

I don't know if that is the case with your ex, but it might be. To mock a woman's body is to strike very deep.

you're right. I didnt mock her, I was just being playful and honestly.
I guess ill have accept that and move on. thanks