[Growing101]

My brother is in a relationship with a girl. They have been dating a few years now. My brother at various times wanted to end the relationship with her but she would beg and cry, and as such they would not break up. We know she is head over heels obsessed with him, but he is not with her. She wants to get married and have kids but he is not ready to be at that level with her-He has said so with us. I have also noticed for a long time that they are just constantly arguing with one another, very badly yelling (both) and crying (her part). Their relationship is such a rollercoaster not just between them, but for those around them ( including me). she is a beautiful smart bubbly girl, well educated, accomplished, and has a great job, but it pains me too to see when she is upset and depressed, and I hate to see my brother miserable too. Myself and others view this as a toxic relationship that they both don’t get along most of the time or don’t communicate well with one another. As much as we view it and may have said so to him one time or another, we just have to let them be to figure out for both of them.

So long story short. She called me on the weekend to vent her problems to me. she was upset that my brother got mad at her for some issue, and she told me “I feel like your brother wants me to be perfect”. I asked her why, she said her reason. I just blurted out to her “why do you put up with that” (because in my head I just wonder how she can cling to someone that doesn’t reciprocate the love back to her the way she does). and then said “you guys fight a lot, it’s not healthy”. Then tried to smooth things out by saying “but as long as you guys can work things out then it’s fine, every relationship has its battles, but if you can work things out” I honestly didn’t go into further talk because she was upset I now thought in those ways and she hung up on me. Sigh. i just could not listen with ease this time and couldn’t offer her more consoling or reassuring words she may have wanted to hear. days later she told me she was hurt that I made such “ judgemental” comments and that she would never say such things to me with the issues i had in my relationship.

So anyhow, I am here honestly not sure how to respond back to her with an apology? I was blunt and did say my truthful observations but was probably not helpful with just listening to her and trying to help her through her emotions/troubles? What should I say next time: better nothing? “I’m sorry to hear”? She also does have bipolar so I really don’t want to say anything to make her even more upset. But now I am upset, uhhh. How would you respond? I just don’t want to say the wrong thing to her anymore because she will take it as a personal attack and make me feel like the bad guy when I had no intentions to hurt her with such comments. Thanks.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Growing: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Personally, I don't think you have any responsibility to talk to your brother's girlfriend differently than you talk to anyone else, nor should you. It's not your job to try to figure out how to talk your way around whatever mental health issues your brother's gf may have. Plus... given the situation you describe, I'm not convinced it's even a good idea for you to be talking with your brother's gf about her relationship concerns. From my perspective, I could imagine this might well all come back to haunt you sooner or later in terms of your relationship with your brother. I think if it were me, I would simply tell your brother's gf you're not comfortable discussing her relationship with your brother & leave it at that. From that perspective it becomes a matter of establishing & enforcing personal boundaries.

That said... here is a link to an article from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some interest. In addition to the basic information it provides, there are also links to a number of other articles on the subject. Perhaps they can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/bipolar/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

I would give the same advice bipolar or not. Its irrelevent. If you feel you need to apologize, do it in a way that suits you. How she reacts to it isn't your responsibility. I love that you are trying to be sensitive, but I don't think you need to worry.

So she has bipolar; why would you treat her any differently. This drives me nuts when people do this. Don't EVER tip toe around me. I assume it would be absolutely the same with her. For god's sake don't coddle this woman!

[Hairball]

I would set boundaries with her. Tell her she is not to discuss anything with you regarding their relationship and if she tries to, I would direct her to talk to your brother with her concerns. This involvement you have is unhealthy for you and for her.

[Rose76]

You are way, way too interested in your brother's situation. Whether to stay with this young women, or not, is totally his business. Stay out of it.

Yes, when she called, it would have been best to say little. You can't possibly advise your brother or his girlfriend. You basically disapprove of this relationship, but you need to let these two figure things out for themselves. She called and sought you out as an ally because she obviously doesn't realise you think your brother ought to end it with her.

All you can say is, "I'm sorry your going through a hard time." Then leave it alone. Her being bipolar hasn't got much to do with anything. I'ld give you the same advice, if she weren't.