Enmeshed relationship, no boundaries

I have a friendship that seems to be developing into more, he has severe depression and somehow I’ve taken it all on as my responsibility and I don’t know how to let go or if I even can. We message all day long and on the phone we sometimes talk for 4 hours. There are no healthy boundaries. I am absolutely exhausted by the responsibility I feel. He is suicidal and I’m afraid to detach because he doesn’t really have anyone else. It’s very much a toxic and codependent relationship and I just don’t see a way out. I love him but I feel completely burnt out and I think he has beccome very dependent on me. I am moving to a different city soon but even then I don’t know if I can detach because I’m so scared of leaving him alone, plus I have strong feelings for him. I’d really appreciate some advice.

Four hours on the phone is not reasonable. Determine for yourself what is reasonable. It it is 30 minutes or if you have something important that must be done in your life, tell him that you must get off the phone. I don't recommend going deeply into explaining why you must cut the conversation short. After a brief explanation say I am sorry, I have to go. Don't pick up the phone if he is calling multiple times a day. If you are talking to him once a day--that is a lot of support. If he needs more support than that, he should turn to other friends, therapy or other outlets besides you. It may not be in your nature to turn someone away that needs help but your relationship doesn't have to be toxic if you strengthen your boundaries. Make this relationship what you want it to be. If he doesn't accept it, you are better off without him. You cannot fix his suicidal feelings (but when you say, I have to go, say it kindly and firmly)--only he can fix himself.

I agree with Hoping -- great advice! It's going to be up to you to determine and strengthen the boundaries.

I agree with limiting the phone conversations to a half hour, and also with encouraging him to lean on other supports. He needs to be in therapy. You cannot play his therapist, nor are you responsible for resolving his depression and suicidal feelings. Please take that burden off of yourself, for one, and realize that this is the job of a therapist - not you. He should not be leaning on you so much - that is not fair to you.

Definitely encourage him to seek additional help. You can even tell him directly that while you care for him, you cannot be his therapist. He is responsible for his own self-care and for seeking help, and if he cannot take care of himself or seek help, it is not your job to do it for him. This is something you need to have firm in your own mind.

Wishing you all the best. ((((Hugs))))))

I usually find it difficult to give advice with limited information. Hence, if you don't mind, I would like to ask few follow up questions: What, do you think, would be the best approach to address this issue with him?

He seems to be very dependent on you so you will need to be gentle with your delivery. Whatever your message is (i.e., i cannot resume being available for four hours/day), please make sure to let him know that you do care and love him very much and you are doing this (whatever your decision is) for his well being and for the wellbeing of your relationship.

With that being said, I have some more follow up questions:
- does he have a therapist? if he does not, this should be a good starting point.
- how long has he been in this mental state? has he taken any action to help himself?
- does he have family? friends? a job?
- why are you the only person who is willing to help him?
- how old is he?
- does he realize that he is being selfish? I do emphasize with the situation (after all, I have had my own MI problems for over three decades) but I disagree with the mentality that the world has to bow to my MI; and that people who love me has to be there for me whenever I need them.
- how long has this been dependency going on? and how did it get to this place?
- and my last question, which might help or frustrate you and I sincerely apologize if it does cause some negative feelings: why are you so much in love with him? It concerns me that you did not put the boundaries from the beginning and it got turned into a dependence issue.

Again, sorry for not giving one solid advice but these relationship +MI situations are never black and white and they do require further analysis of numerous elements hence the above questions.