Should I tell my parents it may be because of them?

A few years ago I went to a doctor to discuss depression, in which my parents kept asking why are you depressed? what has caused this? In which I thought, maybe they're right, I can't pinpoint a reason. So I basically said okay and we never spoke of it again.

As I have gotten older I have realised there is no 'reason',
I have been this way since childhood and I don't know why, but I definitely know I'm out of place.

I came across a post about Childhood Emotional Neglect that had pointed out that parents who are emotionally unavailable fall under this umbrella of neglect.

This was totally it, how did I not see the shining beacon? I didn't realise that having parents with low emotional intelligence could cause so much pain and difficulty to a child's life. Riiiiight, so this is why I feel confused when someone asks how I am or how my day was... and why I totally don't do hugs, hugs are just horrible haha.

I have always felt that I had 'developed' slower emotionally; as a child I never used to speak to anyone at all. By the time I was in primary school I was speaking like a baby, which I used to be told off by my parents and teacher for doing so, and by secondary I was pissing myself because of social anxiety and again because of this anxiety I used to drink before work all of the time.

I have never had any direction in life and feel like most of my life has been some sort of haze of sadness. I didn't even know exactly what I was going through or if I was going through anything at all because I just totally lacked a sense of self and thought I was being dramatic.

Now I get all confused and blame my parents for my long list of troubles, but how can I blame them..?

I feel terrible because it is not as though they are bad parents, they just don't know how to show emotion. I went back to see a doctor and I didn't know what to tell my parents, how am I supposed to tell them in a nice way it might be because they neglected me?

I mean come on.. neglect? They will be just as confused as I am!

It's like this is all my life is now, being emotional unstable. I don't do relationships because I don't do emotions and attachment, I feel like any friendships I have I don't care about (so now I have none), I drink when I feel anxious (which recently I haven't because I have become unemployed), education I left because of feeling socially pressured and because I have no sense of direction and now I just sit in the house with my mind on loop.

I started taking 10mg of citalopram and my mam found them and googled what they were for. It started again with the why's, so I just said that they were for social anxiety and we just left it at that.

I am due to go back to get 20mg and I know my mam will have to again ask why since she will have to show emotion in this more 'serious' situation.

What do I even say? I don't want them to feel guilt, but I don't even know what's going on with myself right now.

(Just to add on I found out my childhood babysitter was a paedo, wtf!)

Hi Cluckybear.

I think overall parents do the best they know how with the knowledge and behaviours they learned from their own parents...however, often they come up short in many areas. To lay blame at their feet would only cause grief in my opinion, if seeking closure or an apology or reasons as to why you are struggling. To atone for past mistakes your parents would first have to acknowledge that they were lacking...this rarely happens.

The good news is that you seem to have insight into your own shortcomings and issues,...which in my view is half the battle won. Finding a thoughtful therapist who is invested in helping you work through your issues and implement strategies to allow you to move forward with confidence is your best bet.

Please be kind and generous to yourself Cluckybear...and all the best in moving forward.

Probably the best advice I have ever been given, thank you!

I think I'm just strung up on trying to find the right answer when they ask why.

Yes, it's a tricky one. If it's difficult to explain, then encourage your parents to read a few books or do an internet search about the causes of depression, so they know it's not just you making things up. Maybe that will help them to understand. All the best CluckyBear.

Even if you give them reading material on CEN, they know their past & know why they acted the way they did. Unless they are open minded to really learning, it eill be a waste of time & only get your hopes up that they will get it.

I figured out a lot about my parents long after they died & yes, it did make my whole life including my bad marriage make sense. I figured out my parents after figuring out what I had been living with for 33 years in my marriage.

It wiuld have accomplished nothing to have let my parents know why after so many years of being successful that depression hit so badly. Even if they had asked I'm sure they wouldn't have been open to the truth that has finally come to light. Sometimes it is just better to distance from them on that topic & just focus on your own healing successfully.

I, um, receive information on cen on a regular basis, due to recognizing my own childhood. I don't find it to be based upon laying blame, I even recall a vlog saying not to do that.