I haven't posted here in a very long time. I guess real life finally caught up with me and I've been busy. Today though, I did what I had always thought was impossible, and I could really use some support, encouragement, feedback...whatever you want to say. I cut my mom out of my life for my own wellbeing. Well, I told her that if she ever wants to change her behavior, I might be willing to rekindle our relationship. Knowing perfectly well that it's unlikely she ever will acknowledge the pain she caused me let alone make better choices. I also kept her on my Facebook, but told her that if she posts anything attempting to guilt me out of my decision I will block her. My reasoning for that is that she has health problems and I don't want her to have to wonder rather or not I'm alive.

Right now, I feel immensely guilty with a touch of relief. The guilt comes from the fact that she has a potentially fatal illness coupled with all the quotes you see online about "tell your mother you love her now, you might not get another chance." I'm reminded of one time when I was on the phone with her in a bus terminal, calling her out for her actions...and this man was shaking his head at me like I shouldn't be speaking to my mother that way. He may have thought we were a typical mother and daughter merely having a disagreement. Or he may have been of the mentality that offspring should show complete reverence to their parents because they created them, birthed them and kept them alive. Like that should be enough.

I've made posts here before about what she's done in the past, and what she continues to do. It's a very long, complicated and confusing story that I don't feel like going into now. But I will say that it's pretty serious and has done a lot of damage to me. I don't know how I'm going to cope when Mother's Day rolls around...and then my birthday which is the day after Mother's Day. I'm so worried I'm going to cave and talk to her. Which is just going to hurt me like it always does.

I'm determined to take care of myself though. I know she thinks I did this to spite her (she always shifts the blame to me or brushes away everything I bring to her like I'm a 12 year old mad because I got grounded, even though I'm 24) but it was truly the hardest thing I ever did. I WANT her in my life for the good moments....but the question is, are the good moments worth the pain, the sacrifice, the biting my tongue and agreeing to everything she says? Are they worth me putting myself down and constantly being reminded that the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally put other people and animals before me?

Am I wrong? Am I selfish? .....

[TheDragon]

It's not selfish to take care of yourself first. Doesn't matter if they're family. Feeling bad just means you care in the first place.

[Rose76]

You are flustered with a situation that has not responded to less drastic attempts at handling it. I'm sure you didn't make this decision lightly. And I believe there had to be a lot of miserable experiences that pushed you into it.

You remind me a bit of me. Out of frustration, I've sometimes gone to drastic lengths to resolve something. I was told once that I had an all or nothing mentality. The person had a point, but was not entirely fair. The challenge is to get the right boundaries in place. Boundaries that only work, if others respect them, are not boundaries. They're wishful thinking.

It's okay to start from where you are at. A goal might be to roll back the defences to something a bit less draconian. I don't know what havoc your mom has wreaked on your life. Cut ties might actually be all that works. But there's a chance something less total could work, as you build more skill in putting effective defences in place. A lot of the upset that a connection to someone causes us is actually due to our own responses. Sometimes we react when we could choose to not react.

I don't suggest there is some pat formula to solve the problem. Just be open to the option of reconfiguring your defence strategy. As you gain experience in life, new strategies will occur to you. But for right now, where you are at is just fine.

It's unlikely your mother will change who she is. But you are going in the right direction by changing her access to you. That's all you can control. Sorry if I sound vague.

I don't doubt that your mom brought this on herself. You sound like a reasonable person. While you are at a safe distance away from her antics, spend some time considering this: The way your mom acts is probably the only way she knows how to be. She probably is the product of some major dysfunction in her own family of origin. That's not a reason to tolerate bad behavior. If anything, she very much needs limits set on what you will put up with. It is like dealing with a child. You can't indulge what you want to discourage. But you have more options in terms of a variety of possible responses than you now realize.

You made a big change. You can fine tune it and evolve it as you go along. You absolutely have a right to protect yourself.

[greentires4me]

I don’t think you in any shape or form did it out of spite. Years had gone by and I had not spoken with my mother. Now I have boundaries with her and she knows if she crosses them then I hang up the phone and not talk with for days on end.

She does this blame game and manipulate people to get what she wants and it’s never for the sake of the person. She will yell at you over the phone until you break. She’s not a mother she a rabid beast.

My sister thinks she enables me I have no clue how I give her lots of gifts on her birthday and at Christmas. I love my sister but unlike my mother she thinks that I shouldn’t do medical marijuana. I have had one joint in the last few days and that’s about it. I don’t smoke everyday and pissed off to think that people granted think that I do!

I don’t know what anyone thinks anymore we’re not a quite nit family everyone feels I should do this or that with my life people look down on me for it. I have education but I am on persons with disability that’s what they call disability here! I get $375 for rent and 758.42$ for support portion. That’s not a lot trust me...

[TheDunce]

I think you did the right thing, iPhone. Your mother sounds a bit like my mother. My sister and I are in our 50's, yet my mother still treats us like children. Neither of us have been married, but my sister was in a relationship for 17 years. I think the reason he didn't marry her was because of our mother.

There have been times I've refused to answer the phone when my mother calls for several days. A couple of times I left her house early while visiting her because of her controlling behavior. My sister will call or write saying Mom is upset because she thinks she'll never see me again.

Trying to ascribe guilt to us is their way of controlling us. Hang in there and don't let your mother intimidate or shame you. You know what is best for your emotional health.