Guys, I am starting to lose my ish

I would like to see you feel better about yourself. I know you have been through many hard things and rejections. That takes a toll on a person. You are not alone in that (there are others of us like that and have come out on the other side).

"I'm not sure why he picked me to do this to." Wow. I feel the weight of this. I can feel the pain in this sentence. Regardless of whether you have been dumped by the side of the road (and I'm so sorry to hear that ) once or 100 times, you are worthy and deserve respect, wellness, health, and love. You are not going to get it from him. I know you want close but you're not going to get it from him. Keep posting here. Not getting closure isn't the worst thing in the world. A lot of us don't get it. It sucks. But I also see it as overrated. I agree w/ divine that the reason WHY he did it, is because he's a ****. He is a ****** person. A loser. That's your closure.

I agree with the others here. Keep writing here. Don't contact him. This is still fresh for you and it makes sense that you are in pain. It will get better. And yes, I agree w/ SorryShaped too. In our darkest hours we can still make healthy decisions. You deserve that. What if you came out of this on the other side? What if you survived this?

I don't know if it's all about him as a person because, tbh, I knew in my mind that by the time I got back home we weren't going to be a thing anyway. We didn't click on many levels (though lord knows we pushed it--or maybe he pushed me, I don't know) and I just didn't want to do it anymore.

It's the lying and the cheating. It's that nothing was true. It may sound super pathetic, but the deep dark super secret only thing I really wanted for myself, beyond a career, beyond traveling, beyond anything, was to be loved and to have someone love me back. I didn't necessarily want to get married, but I wanted to be with someone, to build a life together, and to finally turn my back on all the BS of my upbringing where no one gave a crap about each other and I didn't have family to speak of. I wanted to build my own life. He knew this, knew that it was my one vulnerability. I think any normal person, if they just didn't want me, would have just broken up with me. Instead, he used this one thing I wanted to tear me down.

Now his narrative is that I was just obsessed with him and auuuggghhh he couldn't get away from me. Meanwhile, he was telling me such sweet things to chip away at that massive wall I've always had built up. I think that's the thing that kills me. He sweetly chipped through that wall, and I trusted him. I believed in him, all while he was spinning the narrative that I was an obsessed maniac.

That's what hurts. Not that I lost him. I couldn't give a **** about him--the last time I thought he was attractive was 5 years ago, he acts about 10 years older than he is, and he's is massively boring once I spent an extended amount of time with him.

I agree, you were blindsided and that is a terrible feeling. You are still reeling from that so I'm not going to tell you that everything's gonna be ok (even though its true) or that you deserve better (true). I don't think its pathetic to want someone to love you and love them in return as a dream or even goal. A lot of us do. Yes, I do think that any good, kind, emotionally mature, and normal man would have let you go and told you they couldn't give you what you needed. It sounds like he was very selfish. Just wanted what he wanted, and didn't care who he hurt in the process. He sounds like someone of poor character. I don't care what his story is now about you (that "oh she just won't leave me alone," which is crap, btw). I'm really sorry he lied to you the entire time and cheated on you, GrayStreet. I think you have every right to grieve this. And while you are super angry with him, and have a right to be, I think there is a saying for you that might help you: "Do you want to be right? Or do you want peace?" You are right to be so upset. But going to him, battling with this piece of junk (and looking for closure from him), is not going to help you or bring you peace or happiness. It's going to bring you the opposite.

"Now his narrative is that I was just obsessed with him and auuuggghhh he couldn't get away from me. Meanwhile, he was telling me such sweet things to chip away at that massive wall I've always had built up. I think that's the thing that kills me. He sweetly chipped through that wall, and I trusted him. I believed in him, all while he was spinning the narrative that I was an obsessed maniac.

That's what hurts. Not that I lost him."

(((((((((GrayStreet))))))))) Thank you for telling me this. I think for him to do this...I think he has some serious character flaws. He is a liar, he has emotionally hurt people (including you) and doesn't care. He's a cheater. I am so sorry that he did this to you. It just makes so much sense to me that you're reeling from this. Anybody who has ever been lied to and cheated on, and believed their partner, feels this way.

I think your statements in the last 2 paragraphs you wrote have a lot of power. You are smart. You were going to break up with him. I think...while his narrative is really ******, and a lie, you cannot change what he does. If you try, he will only hurt you. Because that's what he does. He has shown you over and over.

I can see you getting through this. Perhaps.....while you don't want to be experiencing this, and all the negative emotions attached to experiencing this, this is, in a sense, a wake up call. I sometimes see things that I am going through.....as a compass to what kind of work I need to do on myself. And then I take a grand step back.

Please be compassionate with yourself during this time Graystreet.

I really hope you keep posting. You don't need to be right (you don't need to contact him, battle him, look for closure). You need peace. I'd like to see you taking care of yourself. What are some things you do to take care of yourself? Perhaps.....falling apart is a way to transformation. Perhaps your journey in pain will lead you to transformative places. I know it has for others.

No, I don't think there would be any bench warrant. Around here, the cops would just knock on the door and tell you to cut it out. That's it. And, like you said, that's if they even have time for it.

(((((Starrysky))))))) He is a covert narcissist. This is what they do.

You know, I was in my Ts office last week blaming myself, saying “We don’t know he’s a narcissist. We can’t diagnose him...” among other things. Which is, I suppose, true. But she gave me a look and said that there are very key elements I’ve told her about some incredibly unstable things he’s done during arguments which rational, well people just don’t do: forcing a person to hug you for an hour while she’s hysterically crying and suicidal and making her say she want to stay at the house with him (i.e not drive back to Michigan) because she wants to be with them, and if she doesn’t do this, she has to leave immediately to drive in pajamas on no sleep. He’s already put her belongings by the car and said “Your purse and computer are out there too...serves you right if someone takes it.” And so many other unstable things. I think she gave me that look to say “I think you know better.”

Hvert I don’t think he’s going to do anything. It’s of no benefit to him. He made the threat almost 3 weeks ago, and that time, I called his bluff. Every other time, that threat worked on me. (There’s only been one other time, and I was IN his apartment, invited there.) He won’t do anything because he knows it would also be detrimental for him. Sure, maybe I’ll look crazy. But so will he.

Sorry if there are typos and confusing sentences, I’m on my iPhone.

Sounds like you need to start learning how to TRUST your OWN internal GUT FEELINGS more than teusting what others tell you. That was the hardest thing fir me to learn which is why I stupidly stayed 33 years with my H before leaving.

Same, but 19 years. I knew several times to get out but the one that clenched it, right when I had another place worked out to go was, "I'm pregnant" and we got married at that point. I stayed married 19 years with her.

Yes it’s important to recognize what’s really going on versus what the person tells you or what you (hypothetical you) want to hear. It’s work in progress. I can relate to creating fantasies in my head instead of seeing what’s really happening. Certainly you could do without this horrible experience but you likely are much wiser now. Not going to fall into trap again