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There is just no point.

I know that feeling, it can be overwhelming.

I have found discussing things with those I trust (including here) can be helpful, it is good you are reaching out with this thread.

I have to sign off and go to bed soon but there is always someone here to chat to, hope you can do that.

Sending you a hug

It’s good you’re able to reach out here...

Try to chat in a chat room here. Will take your mind off things?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can't chat yet, because I'm too new, but I'd be willing to once I get approved.

Many hugs to you graystreet

I'm trying to clean my house. I want to get out of Michigan asap; I'm not thriving here, and haven't felt I was since I got here in 1996. My sister lives in Vegas, and I talked to her about possibly taking an assignment there. I mean, I can't just fall off the face of the earth, cease to function, stop working. I'm in so much debt, it's suffocating. But if I can get that travel money, I can at least see a way out of the tunnel and also live my life and have a little fun.

This is the only goal I have right now. Get rid of some of the crap I've accumulated in this apartment over the last 9 years, and get some things packed up by next weekend. Post some clothing on eBay, post bigger items on Craigslist. No, I'm not going to be ready to travel til probably June (since I'm not even back to work), but the sooner I get things ready, the sooner I can move into another phase of life.

Will it fix everything? No. Wherever you go, there you are. But it's obvious that I'm just spinning my wheels here. I've been here for 22 years; I don't fit into the culture of my area at all. Never have.

It's so very tough feeling isolated, I know the feeling well. Maybe being closer to family will be a good change?

Hahaha. My family is either horribly abusive, or doesn't speak to me. So...no.

But thank you. I know it's meant well.

I have one sister whom I met 7 years ago who speaks to me occasionally, but she lives on the other side of the country.

Today I'm just working hard on not feeling like a disposable person. I've been trying to talk to friends the last few days. I know they all have lives, so I understand they can't be there for me 24/7 but I'm sort of in a place where I don't feel like I can be alone at all. I can be okay two days post therapy, but then I fall apart, I'm drinking heavily, I started smoking (cigarettes) again, I'm probably not taking my klonopin appropriately...anything to just stop feeling.

I feel like a throwaway.

Why Vegas? I've personally have wanted to relocate out of my own region since I was in college. My mom would hear no more speaking of it, back then. And my ex would hear no talk of it where shared legal custody is concerned. The judge had it as close but no cigar 4 years ago due to not having a bigger network of people to "help me out." not that I have a network of people that help me here...I digress.

I mentioned with a question mark family since your sister was mentioned.

Vegas because my dad relocated all of them there several years ago. I didn't meet all of them until 7 or so years ago. But she's the only one who still intermittently still talks to me. It wasn't an Oprah reunion, needless to say.

Are they all still in that area? Wouldn't it be more stressful moving closer?

Since 4 years ago when I was blocked from leaving, I did move into the apartment where I'm currently living in a different community. And feel a little less isolated in a way. Some of which was in removing myself from those that were privy to socially viewing the divorce and those that had opinions on the domestic violence and knew the kids. Plus as a colleague at work described it as a yuppy town that has 'intact family' views, at all cost.

Small changes are sometimes better changes.

I literally have nowhere else to go. Having a sister that sometimes talks to me is better than nobody.

If I stay in Michigan for any more years, I will probably not survive. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm barely surviving now.

Have you considered metro Detroit area? Nothing wrong with Vegas of course. Travel assignment sounds like a good option.

Survival- is that financially or socially/emotionally? My gawd, you're going through a world of h e l l right now (I'd give those little pc button hugs yet I'm back to using my tapatalk app)

I know what it's like to fall apart. I know what it's like to be played off as the villian in a relationship from someone who played the victim well. It takes two to tango.

I know what it's like to itch to move. And it's not as though all will be rosy for it, just a desire to get away from the reminders. I didn't even fully believe that coming back to my "sort of" hometown(dad moved me around as a teen during his own post divorce pain to be closer to his family. He lives in CA now---they his fam, live near the Cape(cape cod). :\) edit: would make a difference. Plus discomfort over having been "the villain". But that villain part faded with time and then my story with my ex husband added to a bigger picture from others. Both those men were born and raised here, I was transplanted as a teen here. But it's turned out kind of ok. Been able to reset certain pieces of my life. Including finances. I get a lower utility rate by virtue of the totality of my community for instance. Or I don't have awkward ness of kids free lunches as everyone gets those by mandate. Saves a few dollars. Or they provide snacks unlike being required to in a yuppy community for instance. Little things.

You're not alone in this...even if here we are a bunch of strangers.

Divine—I’ve considered metro Detroit many times but right now I don’t have any reason to go there. It’s still Michigan.

Healing—I meant survive emotionally. Financially, once I get back to work, I’ll be fine. The reminders of what happened aren’t necessarily here since he doesn’t even live here but I’ve had plenty negative memories here. And I don’t have much support here, anyway. I have “friends,” but like I was telling one yesterday, if I needed to go to the hospital, who would take me? One would cop out with anexcuse about hanging with her soccer buddies, and the others would cop out with family obligations. Which I get. But I am NO ONE’S priority. Do you know how that feels? And the friend I was telling this to didn’t object to that. I’ve been saying this to her for YEARS. I need that friend who, when the **** hits the fan, WILL drop things and say yes, I’ll be there for you. I don’t feel I have anyone who will do that

To be fair, when J left me in Knoxville, I called one friend in tears because I didn’t know what to do. She attempted to call him to try and reason with him and he was just nasty with her, thinking she was me. But then she was going to help pay for the Uber fare...

I’m off topic. Point is, a travel assignment is 13 weeks. If I hate where I chose to go, I pack up and go somewhere else.

You are fortunate being able to travel with work assignments. I definitely do know what it is to have emergency contacts that live states away. It's frustrating. That's partly why it felt punishing to myself by the court system.

I don't really have emergency contacts. I used a family friend and, when my job called her--because I was in the hospital and they neglected to communicate to each other why I wouldn't be showing up for shifts or answering my phone--she seemed to be surprised at why they'd be calling her.

But she's the only person I can possibly use.

This all sucks and I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom but I'm sorry it's so crappy right now You can do this and move forward with the right strategies in place.