First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage...

My mother has made it pretty clear how she feels about me having kids someday. According to her, she rather I wouldn't. She feels that the added responsibility of another person, an infant no less, would cause me unwanted stress and lead to a mental breakdown and/or possibly neglect or abuse of the child. Let alone my ability to procure an income that would be enough to cover the child's needs.

I don't know about all of that. She has made some good points. I know that as I stand right now, I am unable to afford a child financially. I am, however, falling more and more in love with the idea of having a baby. My boyfriend and I have talked about it together a bit and are on the same page.

Of course, we'll wait until after we get married. He says he wants to marry me and I feel the same way too. He is waiting until he comes to visit me to make it official and put a ring on my finger.

This still leaves the issue of breaking it to dear old Mom that I want to have kids someday...

I think your mom's concern is valid, considering where you are right now. I think, however, once you get to a place where you are stable and independent both mentally and financially, she will probably come around to the idea.

Comes to visit you? Why the distance?

He lives in Hungary right now. We met some 4-5 years ago on another forum.

You've met before in person?

We've video and voice chatted before. He's rather shy and insecure so it took him a while to confess his feelings but it won me over. He and I are madly in love and eagerly awaiting to meet in person.

Conversations about a child are premature right now. You two have never even met let alone lived together or even had sex. Neither one of you works or has a place to live. If that ever changes then it would be different but right now it doesn’t sound realistic. So your mom probably worries about you having children as she doesn’t see things changing

I totally understand it's very intoxicating to have someone profess love to you and to make plans with them. Distance takes the mundanity (it's not a word, I made it up, you guys understand what it means) of the day to day struggles of a relationship out of the equation and makes things even more dreamy, intoxicating, and fairytale-like. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, because my long time friend met her Russian husband and was long distance with him before they got together. But she's also Ukrainian...

Anyway. I agree with Divine. Maybe slow the love train down just a little bit; sometimes actually being in the same room with someone is totally different than being on video chat with them, and things come out that hadn't previously--I'd hate to see you have all of these dreams and be so excited only to get hurt because I know very acutely how that hurts. And I would agree with your mom; the discussion of marriage and babies is premature before you have actually met this person in person.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're in a good place to have a baby right now. But that could change. How old are you?

I'm 34. I can't exactly slow things down as I want to have kids before I'm unable to. You see, my mom had early onset menopause and was done by 44 years of age. I also don't want to be too old to be able to keep up with a child either. Not to mention having kids over 35 years of age increases the likelihood of the baby being born with Down Syndrome.

However, our future isn't set in stone yet, so there is a little wiggle room to be flexable.

What worries me too, is not that you think you could marry this man or have a baby for him, or even that you have both been making plans for the future, but I never see you talking about how you're making steps to make those plans a reality. I'm all for life goals and dreams, but you've got some pretty major life steps to take before you are ready for a baby. And I think that's why your mom is not supportive of it right now either.

What steps are you taking to become independent of your parents? What steps is your BF taking to get a job, etc? How are your plans to make things happen coming together? I would much rather hear about this and help you make things a reality than discuss what are right now just big "what ifs". When you've made the progress on your emotional and physical and financial health in the way you need before having a baby, I'm sure your mom will be supportive.

So how are things going on taking the first steps towards your independence?

I'm actually working on becoming independent with my new T. President Obama made a lot of great laws happen. Laws that allow those who need a little more assistance become financially independent. I've been given numbers to call (which I have done), and a site for government grants that I can apply for to use to pay for classes to become a certified vet tech.

It's not like I'm not being proactive here.

My boyfriend has a job and is saving up for the plane ticket to the US. He may or may not be delayed in that because of some debt he owes to his government for failing to complete college courses. They paid for his classes and materials via a loan from them. He's trying to prove to his government that he was unable to keep up with the physical demands of his coursework and studies due to his heart condition leaving him constantly fatigued. In otherwords, he is trying to prove he has a long term medical disability and couldn't possibly have completed the classes at any rate.

I have suggested he get a hotel room so we can spend time together there and around the area the hotel is located. Neither of us drive so he'll need to get a taxi or Uber or something to get from the airport to the hotel. I haven't told him that part yet. We still need to work out the logistics yet.

I am glad to hear you are making progress. Just remember to be patient. Finishing school takes time, and then having the income available and savings available to afford a baby takes some time. It helps if you have two incomes, but your BF will have to move here and find work that he can do, and it sounds like that will be difficult to do with his disability.

I would suggest planning out your financial trajectory, when you'll finish school, etc., projecting out what kind of income you'll need to live on after school so you can be independent and what kind of income you'll need together to support a child.

Seesaw

I hate to be a downer but if you want to bring him to the US and marry him, you’d have to show US government that you can support this man. He won’t be able to work until he gets green card. You have to make minimum 20 000 something. I don’t know how can anyone live on that but it’s a Minimum to be able to legally bring him to the US. So if you want that to happen you need to obtain education and get a full time job ASAP.

If two of you struggle to buy a plain ticket I am not sure how you plan on this to work. Can he afford hotel? Uber? Taxi? If he owes money to government, he likely can’t even permanently leave Hungary. He’d need to pay student loans regardless where he lives.

I don’t think it’s all thought through well. Being an immigrant myself and having a kid who moved from country to country and yet to another country and moving in with long distance boyfriend etc i know that it takes way way more than what you two are discussing.

It’s complicated, expensive, difficult, needs to be planned carefully and executed with caution and finesse or it will end up in a disaster

I agree with Divine. I emigrated from the US to a country that has easier immigration laws than the US and had a good job and still it took a lot of effort, time and expense to get my permanent residency and then citizenship.

I also know someone from the US who lived in Australia with her husband who was Austalian. She wanted to move back to the US to be closer to family and hoped to bring her husband over. It took her 6 months to find a job. That was contract work, so it didn't count as a "real" job as far as immigtation. After over a year of that she was offered a permanent job there. She had to maintain that permanent position for a certain amount of time to even start the application process to sponsor him to come to the US. In the end, the distance and stress of the whole situation led them to grow apart and they divorced without him ever coming to the US.

Combine that with the fact that you don't have the means to support a child, and haven't even met your boyfriend in person, tt sounds like you are being naïve about the situation.

I think working towards your independence is the best thing you can do for your future possibilities to open up. It sounds like you are really keen on this guy but try to keep your feet on the ground until you've met him and have the chance to really see who he is.

It can work for some. It did work for a relative of mine, he met, married and had a family with his long distance love but it took years and she still does not have citizenship yet (& he earns more than the minimum required to support her). It isn't easy but it can be done - but as has been said you will have to prove you can support him (unless he has qualifications in a needed skill shortage area), so working towards that might be your best option now.

As for your mom, IMO the fact her opinion counts for so much at your age is a sign you really need to gain your independence. I really feel for you, it must be crushing to have your parent still having a say in your decisions at your age.

I have dual Hungarian and British nationality and speak both languages fluently. I was born, educated and work in the UK but intend to return to Hungary when I retire. The rules about repayment of student loans in Hungary are strict about emigration

https://andrewmcgettigan.org/2012/12...student-loans/

And the US is also strict about finances who seek citizenship

https://www.uscis.gov/i-129f

The hardest thing about leaving your country is leaving your roots. Not just missing the language, your family, the cuisine, all the customs - everything. It's best to move somewhere where you have a community you can join, delicatessens, a church, social activities. It helps a great deal. And a child needs to see their grandparents. So travelling between countries and learning eachother's language is important. Hungarian isn't easy for most people to learn.

But aside from those quite major issues, like Divine and Seesaw have said, it's worrying that you could potentially be wasting your most fertile years on something that is difficult to see happening in real life. You could have your eggs frozen - I wish I'd thought of that when I was younger, but I left it too late and went through an early menopause.

You're obviously trying with support from your T to look at getting training for a job and skills like cooking and other things you'll need to do to be independent. Maybe you could try baby sitting to see what it's like looking after a little baby for a few hours? It's hard work!

Good luck with this adventure.