[skydom]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and he bought a house a few months before getting married so he could move his parents into it, and him and I would live there for a year or two. I thought I could manage living with his parents, but it was quite a large adjustment coming from living on my own, and I asked him many times if we could start looking for our own place. I only had one room in the house that was ours, and we shared the floor and the bathroom with his sisters. Things that I put in the basement or in the attic, his sisters and mom would go through and start using them/ wearing them.

Overall, I didn't see him taking any initiative on getting us our own place, so I started talking to him about renting/ buying a place for us (I work full time). He suggested buying a house since it would be more cost efficient because of the area that we live in. He had been paying the full mortgage (~$3500 for mortgage and taxes) since he bought the house, and even after I bought a house to move us into for our own privacy, he continued paying the mortgage while his parents continued to live there.

He gave me some money every month (~500), but we had a lot of house repairs to do for the house I bought and I had taken out multiple loans for it while managing payment plans for furniture, student loans, and car loan (along with a $2600 mortgage/ taxes). Overall, I never had any money left over at the end of the month. Fast forward to now, he's been paying the mortgage for "his" house since he bought it, and I've been paying the mortgage on the house we live in since I bought it, in 2015. I am now looking to sell it so I can finally clear up all of my debt.

He said he was going to sell his house as well, so that we can finally have a cushion of money. He even put money on my credit card to renovate one of the bathrooms at his house, saying he'll give me a large chunk of the proceeds after selling the house. Now his parents are saying that instead of selling the house, they will sell one of their condos and pay off the house.

I am writing this post because I have built up so much anger and hatred for his parents, because I feel like they've been using him. I give my parents money once in a while if they need it, and even then, my father asks me numerous times to make sure that I'm solvent so it doesn't take away from my finances. His parents have kept taking and taking from my husband all these years, and have failed to remind him that he has duties as a husband as well, not just as a son.

I'm not the kind of woman to say that he can't help his parents - I encourage that, because I'm not the only important person in his life. But I've asked him so many times to find a balance, to make them pay it since they are living there, and he can give them some money every month to help support them. My husband has been sick for the last few months, the doctors aren't sure what is going on with him, but he's been on disability leave.

His parents were over all the time because of this, and it's adding to my hatred of them. All I can think of when I see them is how much they took away from our marriage, our sanity, etc. Even when we got married, we had a small gathering - the money we got from it, we used to pay the mortgage. We have yet to go on a proper honeymoon. We have gone on local trips in the USA, but no dream vacation or anything.

I might sound kind of selfish - but I need some help figuring out how to a) help me not hate his parents, and b) just to cope with my emotions.

His parents are finally agreeing to take over the mortgage until they can sell the condo / pay off the house - but it's 4 years of my husband having paid the mortgage. And I've been paying all the bills for our house just so we can have our own place. I'm not saying my husband hasn't helped at all - like I said, he's given me SOME money every month, but it all had to go to repairs or helping pay some bill of mine. We never had any money left over. My frustration is the fact that he put his parents before me, financially - and only after him getting sick, is this finally changing.

And the fact that his parents have done nothing but encourage this behavior. My husband wants to be a good son - but no one reminds him that he has duties as a husband. I've been really patient and kind about this entire situation, but right now all I feel is hatred for his parents. Because I feel like a whole four years, (our four year anniversary will be this year) have been snatched away from me.

[healingme4me]

I don't see you as being selfish at all to want the focus to be on your marriage and your life together. It's noble of him to want to look out for his parents, at the same time I find it baffling.

I'll be honest, as a mom raising sons I'm thinking I'd give my own a tongue lashing, but that's me and what conjured up reading this.

I see that this is your first post here.

Hope you find the support that you need.

Welcome to PC

[LikeABoomerang]

I don't think you're being selfish. And as a parent I cant ever see having one of my kids pay my mortgage for me like that. Especially if they own other property! You are supposed to raise kids to be independent and successful in their own lives, not pay for yours! I would be so livid.

Have you explained your feelings and why to your husband? Has anybody talked to his parents about what a burden they've placed on you guys for all these years?

[Shazerac]

I don’t think you are being selfish at all. I can understand anger at his parents also. However, it’s your husband is the one doing these things. I sincerely doubt that his parents will have any significant change of heart. Hoping that they will suddenly urge him to be a good husband is a pipe dream. This is something you need to work out with your husband. It’s is totally reasonable to expect him to contribute to your marriage before paying for parents that can care for themselves.

Another thing I’d like to add (because I’m a think ahead kind of person) is to hold off having children until this gets sorted out (if children are in the cards for you). If it gets sorted out sorry to be a buzzkill but these are some major issues. I definately wouldn’t let him put any more charges on your credit card. home improvements are better handled with a bank loan. The interest for credit cards is MUCH higher.

[divine1966]

So sorry. I don’t have any advice but I’d not marry him. It would not work for me at all.