I accidentally spilled coffee at work and I'm devastated

Ruby, I many be over simplifing this but you seem to think that just because you have asp that you be allowed to behave and do whatever you want. And everyone just has to roll with it and give you a free pass. I’m sorry but the world just doesn’t work that way.

You are not a child, but you are exhibiting the emotional maturity of child. A child doesn’t get what they want and throw a tantrum. And then they claim when they misbehave that’s it not their fault.

If you want to be independent, live as a an adult, and hold down a job you are going to need to play by the rules and behave in an appropriate manner in the work place.

Where can I have an outlet?

Dear Ruby;
The above posters have been providing very valuable advice and insight and I am hoping that you are reading and evaluating their suggestions. That being said I do have a question. What do you discuss with your therapist? In other words, are you addressing these issues during the sessions?
In addition I would like to point out that while I understand your desire to be accepted without any criticism, I need to tell you that it is not going to happen. It is not going to happen to you or to anyone else who demonstrates behaviors that are socially unacceptable. You mentioned that you were you able to share this incident and get sympathy from several people. Please consider that as a very good support mechanism. I hope you understand the value of it.
I am grateful and consider myself lucky if there is even one person who is willing to listen to my struggles and show compassion and sympathy.
Life is intensely difficult even for those without mental illness and it is my responsibility to learn how to manage the numerous symptoms that come with my mental illness. If I do learn to manage my symptoms and demonstrate socially acceptable behaviors, I will have more chances of keeping my job, my friends and be a positive contributor to others lives.

With your therapist.

It is not useful to have an outlet for things that just aren't true except in your own mind. Getting suppirt for something thst just didn't happen the way your mind claims it did IS NOT SUPPORT. Learning how to deal with reality is. You need to learn skills through therapy that will help you function WITH ASD. Your outlet should be aimed at getting help, not with getting sympathy for something that didn't even happen the way you are now claiming it did (why you list your previous job).

The support you need is learning how you are able to better function in society & learn skills & UNDERSTANDING of the world around you so that you can function & become independent as much as possible given where your ASD lies on the spectrum.

Getting sympathy that feeds your inaccurate thinking is not sympathy that will help you. Your best outlet for this would be with your T who can help you learn how to better get in touch with reality & learn how to deal with it rather that twist it into you being the victim. I have seen this behavior from my x-H who has ASD also....so therapy help especially in this area of your life would be very valuable to you

I told my therapist everything I said on here.

It's gotten so bad that I have nightmares about my former supervisor. In my nightmares, she's actually treating me very nicely, just like she used to. It's a nightmare because once I wake up, it's the sudden realization that it isn't real.

I have flashbacks of emotional abuse from her during the last few weeks of my employment there. Back when she was nice to me, I didn't have to make any effort and she would start conversations with me. When she stopped liking me, I would constantly make efforts to talk to her and barely get a response. When she liked me, I was able to call her name without getting her annoyed. She didn't used to brush me off when I called her name. Instead, she was very open and receptive to whatever I had to say.

When she stopped liking me, every time I call her name, she would get mad and go, "WHAT?!" Like she didn't wanna be bothered.

To paint a picture of how good she used to be, I could give one example. I could get her to give me a dollar just by asking for it. She paid for some of my drinks during break when I was short of cash. One day, I felt bad and tried to pay her back every dollar she ever spent on me (accumulated $10) and she didn't accept it. SO I paid it forward instead.

TO summarize how bad she became, I can only say I became the target of her silent treatment. In the end, the only time she ever talked to me was either to tell me what to do or ***** at me what I'm doing wrong.

I read articles about the effects of emotional abuse. One of the most severe effects is psychological trauma. In my case, I became severely clinically depressed. Once it reaches this point, it becomes so hard to erase that the victim can never be completely free from it. It becomes permanent. They may eventually get it under control (and that could take years), but to actually be free from it will take a lifetime, if it happens at all.

I moved back in with my parents. They tell me constantly that what happens to me is my fault. They call me names.

so what did your T say & how has she helped you learn from what happened on your previous job?

Your boss NEVER would have treated you the way she did if YOU had NOT behaved toward her in the SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE way you did. Whether you are capable if understsnding it or not, that is why your boss ended up treating you the way she did. She got fed up with your behavior you wouldn't change when she told you to. Unfortunately when people get pushed to that point after trying to handle a situation nicely turning to whatever they need to do to STOP the UNACCEPTABLE behavior you were doing is usually what happens when all the NICE optikns have been tried & NOT listened to.

It is not that bosses fault that you would NOT listen & STOP doing what she told you to stop LONG BEFORE it ever got to that point.

Emotional abuse????.....you think she couldn't claim the same thing about you toward her? You think that your SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR wasn't abusive toward her even uf it wasn't the intent in your mind? Remember "ACTIONS speak louder than words" & thoughts are totally unheard.

You gave her NO OTHER CHOICE Than to respond to you the way she did because you refused to listen to her warnings....sorry, having ASD is NOT a free pass to doing whatever you want just because you want to when you have been warned.

What you experienced was the CONSEQUENCES to your unwillingness to listen to what that boss had been telling you to stop the behavior of being around her ALL the time even on your days off. Yiyr behavior was not only SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE, but ANNOYING & IRRITATING to her....& she warned you of this many times. It was YOUR CHOICE not to listen.

Your way if showing that you "look up" to someone is SOCIALKY UNACCEPTABLE that is why everyone you have looked up to has pushed you away. Most people don't want to be around SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE behavior. They may TOLERATE it for a little while but they soon have enough & take action to remove it from their life. That usually means distencing from the person doing it.

Maybe you could better spend your time researching how you with your ASD can learn to behave in more SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE ways.

As for the emotional immaturity....my X at the age of 54 was told by our T that he had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. I am not sure there is anything that can be done about that honestly but one can learn acceptable behaviors in society even before the age if 12.

Your parents are WRONG calling you names....but they aren't wrong about the fact that at least quite a bit if what happens to you is due to your own behaviors & choices.

You are twisting the facts. Your ex boss was not emotionally abusive, you were. Her attitude towards you changed because of what you did. Your parents are correct that much of what happens is because of your behavior. Please work with your T on your behavior.

Dear Ruby;
I am sorry that I am about to be very honest with you. And this honesty may be hurtful to you and I hope it won’t because my only intention is to help you see the reality. With that being said, you were not abused by your former supervisor. You created a situation which resulted her to respond in a way which you choose to interpret as if you were abused. Again, please read these sentences carefully. You were not abused by your former supervisor. Your trauma does not stem from her abuse because she did not abuse you. Your rewriting of history is potentially crossing legal boundaries and you are falsely accusing your former supervisor, in a public forum, of abusing you.
You created the drama which resulted in trauma.
I strongly suggest that you share this entire post with your therapist in your next session.

I think when it comes to the workplace, an overreaction to spilled coffee by someone can be cause for concern and alarm.

I know, in my workplace, when jobs are posted, one of the actual requirements calls for stability. So, there's that....

Overreaction? I didn't get angry. I just cried like hell until I was able to get it all cleaned up and that took a few minutes.

An overreaction need not be anger.

Any EXTREME emotional response to a situation is an OVERREACTION, not JUST anger

To really illustrate my regression into a childlike emotional state. Here’s a perfect example. Back when that fast food supervisor liked me, I was more emotionally stable and mature than right now. For instance, I accidentally locked my keys in my car at my workplace parking lot (which had happened to be that very fast food joint). I didn’t cry like hell or be inconsolable. I didn’t seek sympathy from coworkers. Instead, I handled it like an adult and calmly called the locksmith, who got my keys out. I handled it like any other normal adult.

Now it’s all different. Coffee spilling sent me into uncontrollable tears. So did sanitizer bottle falling apart. And a customer having a slightly bad day and showing it. And every little ****ing things that normally wouldn’t bother adults but would cause distress in children.

That's why you should be talking to your T about your obsession with your ex boss and your fantasy of you being the victim, your not, you were the aggressive one.

Unfortunately you are not ADMITTING to yourself that your behavior toward your previous boss was totally child like & totally immature. Mature people don't go around behaving the way you did even when they "look up" to someone.

You may have regressed even farther into childlike behaviors but this is not a new thing & is ABOUT YOU, not your previous boss.

This is exactly why you need quality therapy to learn how to behave in a more mature way in the first place & learn how to take responsibility for your OWN behaviors no matter what the cause may be.

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride
To make it easier
Let the children's laughter
Remind us how we used to be

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my need
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me
-Whitney Houston (1963-2012)

THis came out in the early 80s. I wasn't even born. The children then are adults now. Those who weren't even born are adults now. What have we accomplished? I looked up to a few teachers in elementary school and they didn't like it very much. They just tolerated it but they never treated me bad like my supervisor did years later. They never hated me as a person like my supervisor does. Besides, I was more focused on playing with other kids than always hanging around those teachers. I didn't look up to anyone as a teenager bc I was chasing popularity like my friends and classmates.

WTF am I supposed to do after high school? I was ***** navigating the real world as a new adult. Of course I'm gonna try to find people to look up to. I looked up to the superviso(s) at another fast food joint. I looked up to the supervisor at my current job (where I was previously forced to quit bc of that). WTF had I accomplished? **** this ****.

I'm gonna be like WHitney and rise above all this **** and people who walk out on me. I'ma learn to depend on me.

Maybe you need to have some good therapy to TEACH you how to navigate APPROPRIATELY instead of the inappropriate behaviors yiu have chosen.

people will tolerate a lot more CRAP out of kids than they are willing to tolerate out of adults WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER than to behave like that especially after they have been told to STOP. Why should a supervisor TOLERATE childish behaviors out of an adult that comes across as stalking when it is done by an adult. You were fired for YOUR inappropriate behavior. Why is is so difficult for you to understand this concept that is so obvious to everyone else including the supervisor?

If she were to have been nice to you after what you did, it would only continue to ENCOURAGE your bad behavior & she was NOT about to do something like that.

You pushed her too far with your bad behavior that she had warned you to stop. You blew off her warnings & now you don't like the consequence that YOUR behavior caused. When people don't take nice warnings in society people will get more irritated & have to take stronger action to stop the unacceptable behavior. That's how it works. Parents usually start training kids to understand this from the beginning but from what you said previously your parents just let you get away with whatever you wanted.....this failed to teach you how society actually works & now you are learning by experience what you should have learned as a kid. When someone in authority tells you to STOP doing something....STOP DOING IT or you won't like the consequences you experience.

but you weren't behaving like an adult (even a new one). You seem like you have no desire to learn appropriate adult behavior either & would rather blame others (your previous supervisor) than take responsibility for your behavior having been wrong & the fact that you disobeyed her telling you to STOP. Honestly when someone "looks up"to someone in society they respect them enough to do what they tell them when they are told to STOP a behavior. It is obvious that you DID NOT RESPECT your supervisor enough to do what she told you even though you looked up to her.

Why does feeling emotional have to be about regression? Do you battle depression and anxiety?

The sanitizer bottle fell apart? How long was that sitting around? Those are usually very sturdy plastics that house the chemical...

I regressed into handling everything like a little kid would. After pretending to function and holding it in for several months, I’ve exhausted every coping mechanism. Hence, my recent breakdown. Remember when you were 4 and cried when you didn’t get exactly what you want? Probably your parents didn’t let you have that cookie 🍪 before dinner. This is what I regressed into.

And that sanitizer bottle has a lid that could be twisted off and put back on. I cried like hell when the lid fell off and a coworker put it back together for me.

Sometimes, in a mighty attempt to feel better, I would also joke around and be funny. It’s usually about disgusting stuff like pee, puke, and poo. I wanted to also make dirty sex jokes but that would be way out of line.

I need to tell my colleagues about what I went through the past 6 months. That’s the only way they would be understanding and accommodating. My supervisor definitely needs to know.

Sometimes less is more in the workplace?

Is telling your story really relevant to the day to day needs of your workplace.

So you had an emotional day. The next step is to prove it was an anomaly going forward.

I am pretty sure you've covered how many tears you shed over spilt coffee and the cap falling off its container.

It's work. All you can do is move forward. Address the rest in therapy or group or with friends and family.

I really don't think it's wise to tell your co-workers or your supervisor about the situation at your other former employer. You don't need to give them reasons to think poorly of you or question you. You will only put the idea in their head that you are a problem employee.

The thing about the industry you are in is that it's a paycheck for the taking.

It's not about becoming every body's bestie. It's about showing up and getting the job done in a fast past environment.

One of the things that I like to see in employees is initiative taking. Can the slack be picked up without constant direction?

Bosses are busy with more tasks than the hours allow.

It's not that noone wants to hear it, it's that there is zero time.

On top of acting like a child you’re telling gross jokes about pee mad poo? Honey, you’re already way out of line. You are probably close to getting fired again. And you are not a young person navigating the world you are 29 year old.

Have you ever read a book or saw the movie about Temple Grandin? She had full on severe autism. Her mother was told she was hopeless and to institutionalize her when she was in fact a child. Her mother refused and instead that she learn to navigate on the world as an appropriate functioning person. Sure she had her struggles and meltdowns along the way. But she went on to get a PHD at college and was the inventor of more humane corrals for cattle at slaughter houses. She even invented a hugging machine to calm herself down when she needed it.

The problem here is that you know full well what is inappropriate behavior and yet you chose do it anyway. Then you make excuses for your actions and then go so far as to claim you were abused when you experienced the consequences of your actions. Ruby the cold hard fact is the world does not revolve around you. Your responsibility as an adult (and you don’t get to pronounce that you’re not an adult) is to learn how to behave in a manner that is appropriate for the work place. Until you do this, you are stuck in vicious circle of acting like a spoiled child, getting negative responses and then pretending to not understand why it happened.

You've constructed a fantasy with you as the victim. If you tell these lies to your coworkers and they find out the truth you are going to have rejection again. Work with your T on these feelings and say nothing at work. People have been pretty clear here that your fantasy is a lie, your ex boss did not abuse you, you abused her. You are avoiding responsibility for your actions by convincing yourself it was different. This is going to come to a bad end if you insist on going forward with these fantasies.

So are you going to tell them the TRUTH or the story you have fabricated in your own mind thst is NOT based on reality?