[Albatross2008]

Pretty much any time someone is rude to me, or takes advantage of me, or doesn't respect my boundaries, I will receive some variation on that advice. We teach people how to treat us. My mother once told me, after someone had been blatantly rude and mocking toward me, "I doubt anybody would have said that to me. You must be giving off some kind of signal that tells people it's OK to talk to you like that." I'm sure there is a grain of truth in there, although to me it sounds a lot like, "Even when the other person really did act like a butt, it's still your fault for letting them." What to do about it, that's what I'd like to know.

For the past several days on Facebook, I have not been free to express my own opinion without every demon in hell being unleashed on me. Understand, this doesn't only happen on Facebook. It can also happen in my own family. I've blocked a lot of people on Facebook, and I've gone no-contact with a lot of members of my family. I get so tired of that game where no matter what I say, somebody has to tell me I'm wrong, so they can come away feeling like they're smarter than me. It's not that I mind other people's opinions, or can't handle being disagreed with. It's that these things I posted, I got from other pages, and THOSE people weren't read the riot act for posting them. The argument didn't start until after I posted it on my page. (And then someone accused ME of trying to stir up drama.)

I passed along something my cousin posted on her page. The only response she ever got was mine, where I agreed with her. After it showed up on my page, however, all hell broke loose. At first I took it down off my page, because the argument got that ugly, but then I put it back up, essentially saying, "If you don't like it, tough cookies. This is my page, and I'll post what I want to." And I also ended up blocking a couple of people who were really nasty about it. After re-posting it, so far nobody has dared to comment. But they've also let me know that I'm making *them* feel like *they* don't have a right to an opinion.

And this morning, the same thing started to happen with something I passed along from my husband's page. Nobody chewed him out for posting it, but once it was on my page, again I started to catch it. I managed to nip that in the bud. I said I'm not taking it down this time, but I will show my page to my therapist, to illustrate how this keeps happening. My appointment is tomorrow.

So essentially, somebody else (cousin and husband in this case) can express an opinion, and nothing bad happens. I then express that very same opinion, word for word, and suddenly it's a topic for an exhaustive debate. Just once I'd like to say how I feel about something, and not have to vigorously defend myself afterward. My cousin and husband didn't have to. What's going on here? Is it a case of teaching people how to treat me? Or is it something else?

[healingme4me]

I've had the same thing happen to me. A simple share, without comment or expressed opinion and boom out of left field. Wasn't even political. Another time I took a pic of my son who won a fish in a bowl at a birthday party---I didn't even pay for the blasted thing and you'd have thought I posted torture photos. I get it...why not attack the person who supplied the fish in the first place?? Same family.

And when you do find out exactly how it is that we "teach" people how to treat us, I'd really like to know the wisdom and true intent and context. Is it an "absolute"?

Sharing in your frustration.

[SeekerSeeking]

Yes, it is true that we teach folks how to treat us....but that does not include strangers. And a lot of people on social media are acquaintances or strangers, with keyboard courage, and they type it out on you.

The folks attacking you and not the original poster--hmmm....have they attached you before? Do they see you as easy pickin'?

It really helps to develop thick social media skin, too. If someone called you a cardboard box--would you get upset? No, because you know you are not a cardboard box.... So if someone attacks something you reposted from another post--they are telling you about themselves, not you. Some folks feed on negative---let them go. Really, the nay-sayers are so not worth it.

Also, on social media everyone is 'invited' to give their opinions. So, it is socially acceptable. If you only want agreement, then social media is not the place to talk because invariable there will be someone who wants to debate. If folks go to far, report them, and block them. You don't need them.

I don't know if that helps--I hope so. I have two nay-sayers who always have something to say about anything I post. I ignore them--and now, it seems, othr people are noticing that they are constantly poking--and I am not feeding it. Good feeling, when folks see that. I wish you well.

[Rose76]

Your facebook page is like your own home. That's your space. You do, say and display what you want there. Anything posted on your Facebook wall is like a picture or poster you hang up in your bedroom. If someone doesn't like seeing it, then they don't need to go there. Friends have the option to "unfollow" you, if they don't like what you put up. No one's forcing them to look at your stuff.

You can block visitors, but I would use a different tactic first. Simply delete any comments that are just people giving you grief. When they see their comment gone, they will get a "lesson." Those who don't learn can be blocked. No one has a right to disrespect you on your facebook space.

[Albatross2008]

After the fiasco of the other day, it felt good to see how many people validated me. Not only those who jumped to my defense while it was happening, but also my daughter, who told me over the phone what she had noticed. A common thread running through it all was, "I know YOU didn't mean it the way I took it, but...." And my daughter was thinking, "Well, if you know she didn't mean it that way, why are you going after her?"

And I was just glad other people noticed. A lot of times, especially before I went no contact with some of my family, I might get attacked in the same way. Then other people's first reaction was to tell me it wasn't an attack. I just misunderstood it, that's all, and aren't people allowed to disagree with me? Do I have to be right all the time? This time, it didn't go that way. Other people noticed and validated that I was indeed being attacked.

It wasn't about being right. It was about being allowed to speak my mind, and still have peace afterward.

As for disagreeing, if I find something on somebody else's page that I disagree with, here's what I do. Instead of arguing with them about it in their own "home," which is how I see it too, I simply repost it on my own page, and then explain why I disagree with it. That way they have their space, and I have mine. But when they see something they disagree with on my page, they argue with me right there.

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Pretty much any time someone is rude to me, or takes advantage of me, or doesn't respect my boundaries, I will receive some variation on that advice. We teach people how to treat us. My mother once told me, after someone had been blatantly rude and mocking toward me, "I doubt anybody would have said that to me. You must be giving off some kind of signal that tells people it's OK to talk to you like that." I'm sure there is a grain of truth in there, although to me it sounds a lot like, "Even when the other person really did act like a butt, it's still your fault for letting them." What to do about it, that's what I'd like to know.

Do you always remember to point out their insensitivity, or do you keep your feelings to yourself?

For the past several days on Facebook, I have not been free to express my own opinion without every demon in hell being unleashed on me. Understand, this doesn't only happen on Facebook. It can also happen in my own family. I've blocked a lot of people on Facebook, and I've gone no-contact with a lot of members of my family. I get so tired of that game where no matter what I say, somebody has to tell me I'm wrong, so they can come away feeling like they're smarter than me. It's not that I mind other people's opinions, or can't handle being disagreed with. It's that these things I posted, I got from other pages, and THOSE people weren't read the riot act for posting them. The argument didn't start until after I posted it on my page. (And then someone accused ME of trying to stir up drama.)

I passed along something my cousin posted on her page. The only response she ever got was mine, where I agreed with her. After it showed up on my page, however, all hell broke loose. At first I took it down off my page, because the argument got that ugly, but then I put it back up, essentially saying, "If you don't like it, tough cookies. This is my page, and I'll post what I want to." And I also ended up blocking a couple of people who were really nasty about it. After re-posting it, so far nobody has dared to comment. But they've also let me know that I'm making *them* feel like *they* don't have a right to an opinion.

Did you ask for opinions?

[Rose76]

Arbie - I like the way you make your own statement by re-posting on your own wall and giving your take on a post you disagree with there - in your own space. I think that is exemplary behavior that I wish would catch on more widely.

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by VernonJenkins

Do you always remember to point out their insensitivity, or do you keep your feelings to yourself?

Did you ask for opinions?

No to both.

I don't always point it out--mainly because when I do, I'm usually accused of always having to be right, and never wanting anybody to disagree with me. Sure, people can disagree. But when people seem to ALWAYS disagree, I think that's a problem. Sometimes I can't even say 2 and 2 are 4 without somebody pointing out that it can also be 22.

No, in these cases I didn't ask for opinions. Sometimes I do, and then of course I'm open to anything they say.

[crushed_soul]

Just to provide another perspective to your questions, including the one in the title of the thread, Arbie, I would question if the question of "is it true that we teach other people how to treat us" is rooted in objectivity. I would assert that it is of subjectivity as in interpretation. There does not seem to be truth/false, right/wrong to the question. I'd also ask for your definition of "teach" in the context to which you use it.

Another interlinked question is if someone "allows" and "accepts" how a person treats him/her in general to which I would argue that such actions are accurate to an extent, but not necessarily "true." Also, it is not as if how someone is treated is solely dependent upon whether or not the person allows the other to treat him/her how ever in manner, behavior and so forth.

As you already noted, if someone is treated poorly, the poor treatment is not only due to the person "teaching" the other to treat him/her poorly. Moreover, another interconnected factor to which you alluding is responsibility. Responsibility rests with both people, but the degree of responsibility differs for each person.

There are other determinants for how someone treats an other such as choice and that a person chooses how to treat and not treat an other. Additionally, a person is free to ignore, obey, and respect (other options as well) an other's boundaries, requests for how to be treated and so forth. To elaborate, a person might not teach someone else to abuse him/her or even teach the other to not abuse him/her, but the other might do it regardless of the person teaching him/her to be abusive. Additionally, the person might already be how ever and merely deceive the other person, who is attempting to "teach" the person how to treat him/her.

In general, a person, who is born as a member of a society, is conditioned, socialized and indoctrinated since birth to shape and define his/her learned behavior as s/he mentally matures, mentally develops, grows, ages and more towards becoming an adult member of society. At some point, the person, who is already capable, becomes conscious that s/he chooses how s/he is, even deeply ingrained behavior is learned. The question that is highly debatable is if there are any "inborn" behaviors before a person is trained to be a "member of society" and part of the collective. With that said, a person might already be conditioned to behave how ever, regardless of how an other attempts to "teach" the person how to treat him/her. The person might disobey, obey, respect, disrespect the other's "teaching" or not.

As much as someone might teach an other to treat him/her, the other is still mainly responsible for how s/he treats the person and how s/he chooses to be and not be (including accepting the other person's "teaching" of how to treat him/her.)



Just a quick historical example that happens to be personal...

My ex girlfriend emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me. I did not "teach" her such behavior. Moreover, I would not have allowed it during how ever long of our relationship. She revealed her self to be someone, who was an abuser, manipulator, user and more only after I was deeply in love with her, dating her, allegedly sharing a bond (relationship of love, reciprocation and more.) I, unfortunately, am responsible for allowing her to mistreat me as such and accepting her abusive, manipulative and using behavior.

With that said, I did not "teach" her to be like how she was and was not. Moreover, my consciousness was of love and of such intense/intimate love, that I was not able to mentally identify that how she was to me was indeed abusive, manipulative, using and more. I would question in my head how she was being and "what was going on," but due to my love filtering my judging, I my judging was obscured to tell myself, "Hey! this is abuse!" I concentrated on trying to mend us and our situation. (I was also not oriented with definitions and examples of "psychological, emotional, and financial abuse, manipulation.)

During my attempts to curtail her behavior, even though I was unaware at the time that her behavior was defined as "manipulative" and "abuse," she cranked up her abuse, manipulation, and using me in frequency, intensity and the number of tactics.



(I'll delete this post if it is irrelevant and so forth.)

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by Arbie

No to both.

I don't always point it out--mainly because when I do, I'm usually accused of always having to be right, and never wanting anybody to disagree with me.

Which is a failure to acknowledge and address their lack of sensitivity. This is called deflecting and at this point, how do you react?

No, in these cases I didn't ask for opinions.

And didn't want them?

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by VernonJenkins

Which is a failure to acknowledge and address their lack of sensitivity. This is called deflecting and at this point, how do you react?

I usually defend myself, which is probably the wrong thing to do.

Originally Posted by VernonJenkins

And didn't want them?

Not especially. Discussion is fine with me, but I don't really enjoy debate.

[Rose76]

I will add the following caveat. If your circle of friends includes people with very diverse political leanings, or leanings that differ markedly from your own, then political postings are going to stimulate "discussion." I have facebook friends who have political ideas that I think are stupid. I refrain from posting memes ridiculing their thinking because I don't go on facebook to ridicule people I care about who happen to be stupid. (They can't help it.) Some of them regularly put up memes insulting to people of my political persuasion. (Stupid is, as stupid does.) I ignore these postings, except to take note of what that tells me about their mentality. Nothing I say would get them to question their beliefs. (Stupid people don't do that.)

I wouldn't invite someone to my home and start lecturing them on politics. By the same token, I wouldn't invite someone to be my facebook friend and then start ranting my political beliefs at them on my facebook page. I would have the right to do that, but I think it's in poor taste.

If I understand rightly, you can segregate your facebook friends into different groups and post select memes and so forth to those you know would appreciate them. At least, there should be a way to do that. I haven't tried.

[Albatross2008]

There is a way to make groups and post only to the people in that group. I might have to look into it farther.

My own political views are quite moderate, and I usually avoid the subject. But I do have friends at both ends of the spectrum, extreme right and extreme left. What I say might very well piss off either one side or the other, sometimes both, although it seems very mild to me when I post it. These last few debates caught me by surprise, because I thought what I posted was innocent and didn't see where it could be argued about.

BUT some of my friends got to reading meaning into it that wasn't there. Yet even after they said they knew I didn't mean it like that, they still kept arguing about it.

AND one of them came in later, after the dust settled, and tried to get it stirred up again, WHILE accusing me of starting drama. That one got blocked.

[Rose76]

People will read what they will into whatever they think might be supportive of what they're against. We've become a very polarized society. I do see people just itching to take offence. I try not to burden myself like that.

[divine1966]

Do these things happen to you in real life (outside of family but work or friends let’s say?) or just Facebook? Facebook is a huge source of drama, especially when people start political discussions. Who are these people that you befriend on Facebook? Do you know them in real life?

To answer your question though, yes in many ways we do teach people (not strangers though)how to treat us.

In particular if for example someone is being abusive towards you, but you allow that or try to appease them and continue accept their abuse, then you do teach them (not always conciously of course) that abuse is fine with you. Abuse always escalates in these circumstances. If abuser would try this with someone else, someone who wouldnt tolerate it, they’d be dumped like hot potatoe after try #1. Hence abusers kind of prey on people who will tolerate abuse

But that’s in real life not on Facebook. Not sure about this FB dynamic

[Albatross2008]

It does happen with family, which is why I went no contact with a lot of them. I don't get out much, and things like this are part of the reason, but I used to go to day programs for people with mental health issues, and it would happen a lot there too. More often by staff than by other clients.

Common techniques are:

Countering every statement I make, no matter how innocuous. "Aw, what a cute dog."--"Puh. Nasty ankle biters." Then when called on it, "What's the matter? Aren't people ever allowed to disagree with you? Other people are entitled to opinions too." Which is pretty much what's going on with the Facebook conflict.

Pouncing when I use a word like "innocuous," as in the last paragraph. "Why do you have to show off how smart you think you are? Speak English, like the rest of us."

No-win situations, as in I follow their advice and avoid words like "innocuous," and then I get lectured because I come off as fake. "Stop putting on an act, and be yourself."

Heavily implying something, and then denying having said it. Example, "I don't believe it happened as you say. That's not the pattern. I suspect you're not being completely honest with us." Later, "No, I didn't call you a liar." It's true they didn't use the exact word, "liar," but they sure danced all the way around it, didn't they?

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Pouncing when I use a word like "innocuous," as in the last paragraph. "Why do you have to show off how smart you think you are? Speak English, like the rest of us."

Those are the words of a very insecure person. Definitely not someone I'd want to associate with.

[Rose76]

If you think you're being singled out for this kind of invalidation, why do you suppose that is?

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by Rose76

If you think you're being singled out for this kind of invalidation, why do you suppose that is?

I wish I knew.

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by Arbie

I wish I knew.

So that you could possibly prevent it?

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by VernonJenkins

So that you could possibly prevent it?

Right.

[VernonJenkins]

How are you coping with not being able to know?

[Albatross2008]

It drives me nuts.

I do have a guess, but it involves "tall poppy syndrome," people who want to chop others down so that they stand taller by comparison. But any way I word it is going to come out sounding like, "Oh, they're just jealous of me," and I don't want to convey that.

Edited for typo.

[healingme4me]

Is this where the question arises about teaching other people how to treat us?

Depending on the scenario it could be a matter of expressing---if this is going to be the end result, I'm not interested.

If you're going to insult me, I'm not interested.

Not sure if that helps? Over time, others could grow to know where you draw the line.

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by Arbie

I do have a guess, but it involves "tall poppy syndrome," people who want to chop others down so that they stand taller by comparison." But any way I word it is going to come out sounding like, "Oh, they're just jealous of me," and I don't want to convey that.

Why do you have these people on your Facebook? Who are they to you?