[ken1538]

I got a new job a few months ago at a retail store and in the process of working at the store, I met a girl that also works at my store whom I have developed strong feelings for. I will call this girl Jessica. Jessica works in a different department and I started out at the store as a cashier and I first met her one day when I cashed her out. In our first interaction, I told her that I wanted to move into a different position within the store and was thinking about applying for a position in her department. In our first converation, I asked Jessica about her job and what it's like working in her department and what the qualifications are. Jessica suggested that I speak to the manager of her department and check the online job postings. This first conversation we had was very pleasant and I got the impression that Jessica was happy to talk to me and help me get a job in her department.

As I continued working at the store, I would see Jessica sometimes when she would cash out at the register or in the break room at the end of the night when I had to vacuum and Jessica was always friendly and willing to help while I was working. She even let me use a vacuum that she doesn't let most of the other people in the store use. Her letting me use the vacuum and being so helpful to me in general while working made me feel like she might like me as more than a friend and I started to look for signs that Jessica might like me. I was alreadly fond of Jessica but this was when I really started to develop feelings for Jessica. The next week I worked with Jessica and as I grabbed the vacuum from her department, I said "hey, Jessica, how are you?" and she started talking to me but I noticed that she was really nervous. I noticed that her voice was a bit shaky and her mouth was even a bit shaky when she initially started talking. At first I thought she was nervous because she might have been creeped out by me but she kept talking and seemed to want to talk so I don't think she was creeped out.

After that night where we talked and she was nervous, I didn't work with her for a while because my manager scheduled me on morning shifts due me having a back injury. This was really tough because my feelings for Jessica grew much stronger and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I began to desparately look forward to working with her again. I couldn't work nights during this time because at night, more heavy lifiing is required. My back started getting better and recently I started working with Jessica again but have only had the chance to talk to her on two different occassions. Once was when I cashed her out at the register and the other was when I saw her in the break room. When I saw her at the register, she was happy and told me that she was visiting back home and going to a convention. A week later I saw her in the break room while she was playing a video game on the break room TV but she seemed nervous to be around me. We engaged in a little small talk while she was playing her game and it went okay but she was definitely nervous.

I'm still mentally in a place where I can't stop thinking about Jessica and am still desparately looking forward to when I will work with her again. I know this isn't healthy and I don't want to be like this because it is exhausting and torturous. I know part of this stems from my low self esteem and me putting Jessica on a pedestal and making her the "object". I use the word object in relation to Object Relations Theory. I know it is dangerous and a terrible idea to make Jessica the "object" but I can't shut off my feelings for Jessica and am not sure what to do. I can't ask her out because if she said no, it would be a disaster at work and I don't want to just keep my distance and not see her. I would like to be able to interact with her in a friendly manner. The other thing is that Jessica is in her early 20s and I'm in my early 30s and I'm not sure a relationship with her would be a good idea, considering the age gap. One thing to note as well is that I have never had a girlfriend before and I have never had sex so I am much more likely to obsess over a girl for these reaons.

All that said, I still find Jessica physically attractive and she has some good qualities. She is kind, positive, enthusiastic and intelligent and I like the way she makes me feel when I'm around her. I don't want to obsess over Jessica but I'm afraid that if I don't make some attempt to pursue a relationship with her, I would be letting someone go who could be good for me.
I am looking for some advice about what to do here. How do I stop obessing over Jessica? Should I avoid pursuing a relationship with her because of our age gap. I would only ever ask Jessica out after I was no longer working at our store.

Could you be mistaking her friendliness for flirting? I do it all the time and there's nothing wrong with it.

But this is your place of employment. Which brings me to this.

Go for it.

[ken1538]

It is definitely possible that I could be mistaking Jessica's friendliness for flirting. What I can say is that I have observed how Jessica acts around the other people in her department when they are hanging out and she is completely comfortable. When she is relaxed, she is very talkative, laughs easily and seems to like to bust chops with her co-workers in a friendly way. When she is around me she is very nice but more serious and much more anxious than around the people in her department. She definitely is putting up a bit of a front around me. Whether she likes me as more than a friend or not, for whatever reason she seems to feel a little uncomfortable around me. I don't think that the discomfort is a result of her not liking me as a person. Really, I don't know her that well and I don't know what our interactions would be like if she felt completely comfortable around me. I want to get to know this girl better and try to be around her more but I don't want to creep her out. Sometimes we work the same shifts, she seems distant and other times we will have more interaction and she is friendly. It's just a bit confusing.

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by ken1538

I got a new job a few months ago at a retail store and in the process of working at the store, I met a girl that also works at my store whom I have developed strong feelings for. I will call this girl Jessica. Jessica works in a different department and I started out at the store as a cashier and I first met her one day when I cashed her out. In our first interaction, I told her that I wanted to move into a different position within the store and was thinking about applying for a position in her department. In our first converation, I asked Jessica about her job and what it's like working in her department and what the qualifications are. Jessica suggested that I speak to the manager of her department and check the online job postings. This first conversation we had was very pleasant and I got the impression that Jessica was happy to talk to me and help me get a job in her department.

As I continued working at the store, I would see Jessica sometimes when she would cash out at the register or in the break room at the end of the night when I had to vacuum and Jessica was always friendly and willing to help while I was working. She even let me use a vacuum that she doesn't let most of the other people in the store use. Her letting me use the vacuum and being so helpful to me in general while working made me feel like she might like me as more than a friend and I started to look for signs that Jessica might like me. I was alreadly fond of Jessica but this was when I really started to develop feelings for Jessica. The next week I worked with Jessica and as I grabbed the vacuum from her department, I said "hey, Jessica, how are you?" and she started talking to me but I noticed that she was really nervous. I noticed that her voice was a bit shaky and her mouth was even a bit shaky when she initially started talking. At first I thought she was nervous because she might have been creeped out by me but she kept talking and seemed to want to talk so I don't think she was creeped out.

After that night where we talked and she was nervous, I didn't work with her for a while because my manager scheduled me on morning shifts due me having a back injury. This was really tough because my feelings for Jessica grew much stronger and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I began to desparately look forward to working with her again. I couldn't work nights during this time because at night, more heavy lifiing is required. My back started getting better and recently I started working with Jessica again but have only had the chance to talk to her on two different occassions. Once was when I cashed her out at the register and the other was when I saw her in the break room. When I saw her at the register, she was happy and told me that she was visiting back home and going to a convention. A week later I saw her in the break room while she was playing a video game on the break room TV but she seemed nervous to be around me. We engaged in a little small talk while she was playing her game and it went okay but she was definitely nervous.

I'm still mentally in a place where I can't stop thinking about Jessica and am still desparately looking forward to when I will work with her again. I know this isn't healthy and I don't want to be like this because it is exhausting and torturous. I know part of this stems from my low self esteem and me putting Jessica on a pedestal and making her the "object". I use the word object in relation to Object Relations Theory. I know it is dangerous and a terrible idea to make Jessica the "object" but I can't shut off my feelings for Jessica and am not sure what to do. I can't ask her out because if she said no, it would be a disaster at work and I don't want to just keep my distance and not see her. I would like to be able to interact with her in a friendly manner. The other thing is that Jessica is in her early 20s and I'm in my early 30s and I'm not sure a relationship with her would be a good idea, considering the age gap. One thing to note as well is that I have never had a girlfriend before and I have never had sex so I am much more likely to obsess over a girl for these reaons.

All that said, I still find Jessica physically attractive and she has some good qualities. She is kind, positive, enthusiastic and intelligent and I like the way she makes me feel when I'm around her. I don't want to obsess over Jessica but I'm afraid that if I don't make some attempt to pursue a relationship with her, I would be letting someone go who could be good for me.
I am looking for some advice about what to do here. How do I stop obessing over Jessica? Should I avoid pursuing a relationship with her because of our age gap. I would only ever ask Jessica out after I was no longer working at our store.

I'm going to pretend that I'm in your position...

Okay, I like Jessica but I need a job and I want to be comfortable doing that job. If I make a move on Jessica and it doesn't go well, that's going to make things super awkward between me and Jessica. I'm going to leave the relationship I have with Jessica where it is.

[downandlonely]

I don't think the age gap is a big deal, but dating someone at work can be. It would definitely make things awkward if things don't work out between you. I think it would be best to leave things where they are unless you get another job.

[VernonJenkins]

Adding more...

If I were you...

Do I like my job more than I like Jessica? If yes, then I repeat...

Okay, I like Jessica but I need a job and I want to be comfortable doing that job. If I make a move on Jessica and it doesn't go well, that's going to make things super awkward between me and Jessica. I'm going to leave the relationship I have with Jessica where it is.

If I like Jessica more than I like my job...

I'm going look for a new job. When I get a new job, I'm going to ask Jessica out.

[ken1538]

I agree that while I'm working at the same store, I shouldn't ask Jessica out. However, I would like to at least get to know Jessica better but it is a little difficult to do so. I work at a store that sells tech products and Jessica works in the part of the store where they service computers and provide customer service to customers that need their computers/tech devices serviced. The only way for me to see Jessica is to either hang out in her department when the store isn't busy, to find some excuse to go to the back room she works in or to catch her in the break room. Hanging out in her department is a little awkward because they are a tight knit crew of about 7 people and only 4-5 of those people work together at a time. I don't know two of the guys that work in the department very well and I also don't really like those two guys. Jessica's department is also attached to the customer service department of the store so if anyone in customer service prints something, they walk into the back room where Jessica works where the printer is to get what they printed. Also, employees can clock in, in the room where Jessica works. So, it is possible to try and be around her, it is just a little tough. The best way to get to know her better is probably to just hang out in her department more.

Originally Posted by ken1538

All that said, I still find Jessica physically attractive and she has some good qualities. She is kind, positive, enthusiastic and intelligent and I like the way she makes me feel when I'm around her. I don't want to obsess over Jessica but I'm afraid that if I don't make some attempt to pursue a relationship with her, I would be letting someone go who could be good for me.
I am looking for some advice about what to do here. How do I stop obessing over Jessica? Should I avoid pursuing a relationship with her because of our age gap. I would only ever ask Jessica out after I was no longer working at our store.

I can't comment on whether you should pursue a relationship or not, but if you are looking to stop obsessing over her I would point at the short summary of her you had mentioned above. All of those are positives, and you yourself identified that you are idealizing her (as you said, putting her on a pedestal).

As an experiment, think of some political or social topics that you have a firm opinion towards. Now consider the opposite opinion towards those issues - opinions which you would strongly disagree with or perhaps even find offensive. Since you would not know everything about your co-worker, think about how you would feel if you discovered she held the latter set of those opinions.

The point wouldn't be to make yourself dislike her, but rather to force yourself to consider that there may be sides of her that make you go . Because in all likelihood, there really would be. By making yourself step back to consider that possibility perhaps you can shatter the idealized image, and in doing so maybe you will find yourself obsessing less.

Basically doing the same thing as countering negative self-talk, except in this case you're countering a different kind of thinking.