Secrets in the restroom

So in different occasions of our 3yr marriage I've caught my husband watching porn in the restroom (keep in mind we have an extremely healthy & active sex life). We had numerous fights over it. He felt terrible and ashamed and said he doesn't want to lose me or break up our family. For many months now he has admitted that he is not doing it of that any more. He'll leave the restroom door unlocked to give me peace of mind. I do see that he is trying to gain my trust back.
But it is very difficult when for example tonight i woke up at 2am, see the light on under the restroom door (something which always causes me anxiety). I walk in and his first instinct is to close the window on his phone and open a random app. We go thru the same back & forth questioning ordeal (Why he is hiding it? Why can't I trust him? Why can't he show me to give me peace of mind? Why do I need to see? Etc) before he says he's been up fixing our vehicle & cleaning the kitchen, makes me feel guilty about questioning him, gets ready for bed & shuts me out.
I think about how any of this cycle is helping us. How it is hurting us? I ask him to talk about it but understandably he is exhausted and ready to sleep.
Now it's 4:30am and I've up been thinking about this situation and how it can affect our marriage long term. I ask myself: Am I being reasonable? Should I just accept the possibility that he may continue this and we aren't as close as I thought we were? How is this going to affect our sex life? Could I have found a better time to talk about this?

I am sorry, I don't understand. What is the problem with his watching porn? It has nothing to do with how healthy your sex life is.

And if you try to control him and demand to know what he's looking at all the time, then you're just going to drive him away by showing him you don't trust him. It's very suffocating to have someone be so controlling that they have to know what you're looking at on your phone.

I agree but mostly because as you've stated,

you have an extremely active and healthy sex life.

So my advice to you would be consider yourself what you've just said in your post and ask again how it is negatively affecting your marriage. Maybe it is in your mind in some other way but typically if it is a problem it affects the sex life first. But yes it's something you should ask yourself.

I would leave it be unless some problems that you really think are related to his porn viewing habits crop up.

don't control. or overly watch/stalk his behavior in the home. You stated your husband became possessive before with you adn controlling, I would try my hardest not to fall into the same trap of controlling behavior.

hope this helps.

Let me make clear that I have no problem with anyone watching porn. I have my personal beliefs but only the Almighty can judge, certainly not me. Everyone as an individual has a right to explore their sexuality freely. I'm not sure if you are married SeeSaw but just like being a parent, it takes one to know one. The bottom line is that porn is not something i want to incorporate in our marriage.

As far as demanding to look at his phone, i understand completely that this behavior will get neither of us anywhere. Because in the end I can't actually make him show me what he has on his phone. I really wish I could just not care and overlook it. But his hiding it is something that torments me. He's even admitted that he's done it on purpose just to torment me and teach me a lesson (or was he really trying to conceal what he wad really doing?). This is the thing that I don't know how to deal with...the not knowing whether he's still secretly watching porn or he is frustrated with my untrusting behavior.

I am not sure what my marital status or former marital status or relationship status or anything has to do with this. Or with being a parent. My relationship history is not the issue here and bringing it up like this is just rude and hurtful. You don't know anything about me, who I am, or my family.

But on to the actual issue at hand:

Porn may not be something that you want in your marriage, but it seems like he does. Policing him about it will not get you anywhere. You need to decide if you can compromise on it at all. If you can't compromise, then perhaps you need to divorce.

I'm not sure why it's all on him to change. Does he share your beliefs about porn? Is it a deal breaker in the marriage for you?

Also, it's possible that your sex life is healthy and active FOR YOU, but not FOR HIM. Are you considering his needs at all in this?

I'm not sure if you realilze this but you're response is kind of wishy washy and contradicts itself.

On the one hand "I have no problem with porn" (paraphrasing) Then you go on to state basically how you DO have a problem with porn.

except, in the case where it's your husband. come on, either you're ok with porn or it's unacceptable, you can't have it both ways. if porn is an ok thing with yopu than you should above all give your husband over every other person the most grace and provision in this.

Again you have a good and active sex life with your husband, so why the issue with porn? serious question because I wonder what it is.

Also you mention he does it to torment you... but I'll venture to guess (I may be wrong but something to ponder) that he does it to torment you after your controlling behavior of trying to stop him. It's a typical response to people that try to exert overt control over our behaviors unreasonably. Idk if this is true but honestly ask yourself. you dont' have to tell me, it's for your benefit and discovery.

I kind of agree with the others. You need to be honest with yourself here. Either you are ok with porn or you’re not. Trying to police your husband is not going to work. I couldn’t live in a relationship where I had to leave the bathroom door unlocked to please my partner.

I agree with the others.. you should discuss this, calmly, with your husband, and see if you can reach a compromise - for example, have you tried to ask him why does he feel like watching porn?

I'm with you, as a married woman it drives me up the wall to see my husband who supposedly is 'devoted' to you and is getting his rocks off watching others. Sure we all have kinks, but marriage and sex are supposed to be special. But I've gotten to the point of not caring, he's going to do what he wants regardless.
Like my husband tells me 'Love has nothing to do with anything, marriage was set in place by god so that man could have sex.' It's cold and hurts but its out of our hands. Sometimes you just have to let go and accept that there isn't a man on the planet who will devote himself to just one woman. Sex and fantasy it's all crap.
I'd just say fight through the pain and you'll build up a wall, it'll take time but someday it won't hurt anymore. Just let it go... forgive and yourself and take some distance.
I wish you well.
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I don't really see the issue with it to be honest. You just sound as if you are trying to control your partner's behavior. I don't see how watching porn has anything to do with the "closeness" you have as a couple. Porn is porn and sex with your spouse is completely different. You shouldn't be forcing your partner to comply with your religious views. It has nothing to do with being a parent, being a partner...or anything for that matter.

Religion can be a wonderful thing that brings people together, but it can also tear people apart. It should not be used as a weapon of control over another person.

That was very well said. Of course, if he is agreeing and lying to her about it, that's a different issue. He shouldn't make promises he doesn't intend to keep.

Every marriage is different and what works for one doesn’t work for another.

I really don’t understand people making comments that there is nothing wrong with porn.

Maybe it’s not wrong for your marriage (hypothetical “you”) but it clearly upsets OP. So if people are fine with it in their marriage it’s great but the post is about OP not other people.

One thing is to discuss snooping or stuff like that and the other argue how “nothing wrong with porn”. It’s like if someone comes here upset that their spouse insist on threesomes and people would argue “so what, nothing wrong with it, I do it all the time”. Who cares. How is it even helpful?

Lady, have you perhaps considered couples therapy? Are any of you in individual therapy? I am very disturbed by your statement that he does things to torment you or teach you a lesson. That is very worrisome. Maybe you two need to talk to a professional together.

Well, I have a different take on all of this… I think there is a problem about porn in your family—and it is that he has said he feels terrible and ashamed—won’t do it again. See’s how hurt you are—and then does it again. He is breaking trust—that is the problem.

And until he is either completely transparent with all his activities, trust will not be restored. It’s been broken, he has to be trustworthy to have it fixed. Or he has to tell you he cannot, will not stop watching porn—and then you folks can deal with that issue.

Watching porn occasionally and masturbating—it is not a problem for them (if it’s okay with partner). A small number of men watch compulsively and that really is a problem needing therapy.

Men who occasionally watch porn do not love their wives any less—they aren’t judging their woman against the screen==they just enjoy it—and men are visually aroused—while most women become aroused by touch….

IF this is interfering with your marriage in anyway then it is a problem that needs to be discussed. But really, right now, I think the main problem is broken trust.

I do apologize for bringing up your relationship status. I just wanted to emphasize that in my culture porn is frowned upon in a marriage. But I do agree that times have changed and many more couples are open to incorporating porn in their relationship. I myself am guilty of it and it ended in failure.

I really appreciate all your feedback and questions. I will definitely consider them.

I do agree with a lot of what others are saying.
Trust has been broken. But its not just trust relating to porn.

It does go deeper.

In order to watch porn, or to do anything planned for that matter, thought has to go into it. For instance, he has had a desire or thought about sex. Then he has started acting on that thought. It didn't happen spontaneous, his urge might have been, but he then thought about how to achieve his desire. For instance, he could have asked you. He decided not to. Then he removed himself from you, 'hiding' his activity, something he has had to think about, then act on.

He thought before he acted. He had a decision.

Coming from a person who's gone through two divorces, both spouses cheating on me, thr first signs of trouble started with an emotional disconnection on their part. Which was filled with someone else. That happens gradually. Porn, no matter who you are, mentally disconnects you from your partner. In those moments you are enjoying watching someone else, and gratifying, rewarding yourself whilst watching. That mental disconnection soon becomes an emotional disconnection, as his mind now knows it can get the same satisfaction without you. How many people have sex, but think about someone else whilst doing it?

Your mind is probably asking...."is he?"

Trust broken.

Now its only a matter of opportunity. Let's say the porn he was watching was of your next door neighbor? Would you trust him not to act on that? No. Why. The desire is there, its a proven. But now the opportunity is there as well. And you'd be paranoid. Well I would.

I can only speak from experience so go ahead and shoot me down. But this is already affecting your marriage. Others have suggested pulling back, pulling away to save your pain. You won't change him unless he wants to change, even if for him its turned into an addiction. There's still help. But if you pull away, that makes it easier for him, he becomes more detached, and around the vicious cycle goes. Until one day, the fantasy of someone else becomes better than you. Or even worse, can be, is stuck in a lonely emotionally void relationship.

It all needs to come out into the open. No threats of therapy or marriage counselling, those decisions you make together. But if its hurting you, you don't ignore it . You dont ignore pain. Pain exists as a warning. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Your in pain. He needs to recognize that, HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL and then work on a solution together. A healthy sex life has nothing to do with emotional connection or his commitment to making your relationship work. He is ultimately selfish.

Marriages stay together for financial, for the kids, as examples. But theyre not happy ones. The goal of staying together is to please each other. Its that emotional connection that keeps bonds strong. Think of others who have long term relationships...what keeps friends together, best friends together, marriage mates together....isn't it that emotional bond or connection. And when things do come up, argurments etc. Isn't it through recognition of the hurt, wanting to repair, and then being willing to working together that saves and strengthens those relationships?

I'm sorry for your pain. Don't ignore it though. It'll only get worse. Fix it whilst its still small enough that it can be fixed.

(((Hugs))))

I really appreciate your response. All the pro-porn in a marriage comments were a little surprising. But I was still open to it and thankful for the honesty. Because I know that these post responses aren’t supposed to be all supportive in my views but I really just wanted some feedback about my behavior.

I’ve very much considered both. Unfortunately he is not open to couples therapy due to the fact that it didn’t save his previous marriage. I will definitely begin individual therapy in the near future.

I just think that pro-porn opinions are irrelevant here as like I said before: what works for one marriage is absolutely doesn’t work for others. Personally I can’t care less what people do in their marriages, but I do know what works or doesn’t work for mine. I also don’t believe in embracing something just because others say it works for them. You aren’t them.

I am glad you are open for therapy. I’ve never had couples therapy but I heard if one person isn’t fully open for it, then it won’t work. It might be irrelevant to the situation but do you know what went wrong in his previous marriage? Sometimes looking at some patterns might be helpful