[kaorikuran]

Hello,

there still is something that has been bothering me for a while. This post is correlated to my previous one; if you wish to check it out, here ---> https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...ationship.html
It's not necessary, but it'll give you a general idea of what I've been through.

It seems that I've been a victim of emotional abuse at a "young age" (16 y.o.).
After my experience, I was a bit unstable and exhausted, but not completely hopeless (also because I didn't really realise the gravity of what had happened; I didn't even know WHAT is emotional abuse). I'm not sure how or why, but I had managed to fall for someone again. Only to have my trust shattered, again.
I think it was because I had opened up too much. This guy was someone with whom I had been friends for a very long time. He saw me as someone bubbly, cheerful and simultaneously acid and awfully sarcastic; still, he said that my contradictions were what interested him the most. I trusted him with my feelings and frailness. But eventually, when he came to know about my past and a bit present depressive symptoms, his view of me changed, which I had expected; what I did not expect was for him to turn his back and look for someone else.
Also, I've been told that no one wants to stay with someone as dark (as me). Which is predictable, but it's not like everyone is a freaking Sun. I will never believe that people's feelings consist of only brightness.
I don't want to be a lamp, a source of artificial light. I might have to be for the sake of other people who ask for my help, and I gladly do that, but I want to shut down too once in a while, without fearing that I will be left alone because it's too dark.
Is it that hard to just understand that people can feel sad, mourn, and not feel content with how their life is going? Is it that demanding to want to be accepted as who we fully are? Without a mask to cover what people don't want to see?
Unfortunately, I've labelled myself, my true self, as unlovable (not just in a romantic way).
I was wondering if there was anyone who feels the same as me. Please, let me hear your thoughts.

Thank you for your time.

Yes, you have to

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Yes, you have to

Lmao, okay. 😂

[MickeyCheeky]

I think that someone who truly loves you will accept you no matter what. Putting up a mask won't be helpful in the long run. I'm sorry you were treated this way

Btw, I see you're from Italy as well!

Long run for what, that is the question
If you're talking about a fulfilling relationship whichever type it may be, you're right
But during the hurdles of society, you need to put masks

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I think that someone who truly loves you will accept you no matter what. Putting up a mask won't be helpful in the long run. I'm sorry you were treated this way

Btw, I see you're from Italy as well!

Thank you. I hope something like that will be possible.

Lol, ciao!

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Long run for what, that is the question
If you're talking about a fulfilling relationship whichever type it may be, you're right
But during the hurdles of society, you need to put masks

I was referring to what MickeyCheeky said! I know that for society we'll never be good enough, unless we wear a mask.

Even people who don't seem to put a mask behave according to some social norms

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Even people who don't seem to put a mask behave according to some social norms

Indeed. We all are raised by society's conformism and rules. Some fit, some don't.

I've never really done a mask to be honest. People have always thought I am bat **** crazy. Even when I try to contain it, it seeps through. The beauty of letting people see who you are is that you find the people meant to be in your life.

[s4ndm4n2006]

we all wear masks. no matter if you admit it or not it's a way that we get along in society, whether that's the happy face someone puts on so that they can get along at their retail job working with customers or telling someone you're fine even if you're not just because that particular person is not someone you trust with your true feelings.

Mask is a terrible word to use in that context though. We are merely doing what we need to in order to get along in life.

the only time I see that a "mask" is a mask is when someone does it in a way that is misleading or deceptive. Like a different identity altogether. Pretending to be sociable at a party when all you want to do is go home and read a good book, is not really deceptive it's a coping skill.

To me wearing a mask implies hiding your true self. Being polite at a job when you feel like crap doesn't mean putting on a mask to me. I'm still very much myself without unloading my issues on to others.

No mask to me means that I dont go out of my way to hide anything. I dont lie. I dont pretend to be anything other than what I am. In fact in the job example if I wasnt having a good day I've always been the person to say: it hasn't been a great day, but....".

To a degree of course we all have to conform to social norms and I get that. But that isnt necessarily the same as a mask.

Not sure if I make sense at all.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

To me wearing a mask implies hiding your true self. Being polite at a job when you feel like crap doesn't mean putting on a mask to me. I'm still very much myself without unloading my issues on to others.

No mask to me means that I dont go out of my way to hide anything. I dont lie. I dont pretend to be anything other than what I am. In fact in the job example if I wasnt having a good day I've always been the person to say: it hasn't been a great day, but....".

To a degree of course we all have to conform to social norms and I get that. But that isnt necessarily the same as a mask.

Not sure if I make sense at all.

I agree with you and the use of the term mask to me says being or pretending something you're not in very significant ways. Being deceptive really and the fitting in for social norms, and all the other thngs isn't exactly a mask in the same way. I agree with you on all that.

but that beign said, the way that the OP describes it and having issues in her life, MI, or Personality disorders and not being forthright with those things, realy to me falls into self-protection. Not everyone will accept or be supportive of some of the issues that many of us have here and therefore keeping those kinds of things out of the public view is ok. But not really the kind of mask that I find troublesome.

Also to the OP: If it has to do with everyday life, friends, coworkers and such, you are not doing anything wrong to keep those feelings and behaviors to yourself. Only those that you truly trust with such information and the "real you" are worth revealing it to. But when it comes to getting into a relationship, it's a more complex thing. AT some point a partner is going to need to know some of the things that you deal with because it will give them a chance to support and understand you but the truth is there is a time and a place. a casual dating situation or courting someone is not the time to do that. When the relationship turns into something serious it's time to start considering sharing those things.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I agree with you and the use of the term mask to me says being or pretending something you're not in very significant ways. Being deceptive really and the fitting in for social norms, and all the other thngs isn't exactly a mask in the same way. I agree with you on all that.

but that beign said, the way that the OP describes it and having issues in her life, MI, or Personality disorders and not being forthright with those things, realy to me falls into self-protection. Not everyone will accept or be supportive of some of the issues that many of us have here and therefore keeping those kinds of things out of the public view is ok. But not really the kind of mask that I find troublesome.

Also to the OP: If it has to do with everyday life, friends, coworkers and such, you are not doing anything wrong to keep those feelings and behaviors to yourself. Only those that you truly trust with such information and the "real you" are worth revealing it to. But when it comes to getting into a relationship, it's a more complex thing. AT some point a partner is going to need to know some of the things that you deal with because it will give them a chance to support and understand you but the truth is there is a time and a place. a casual dating situation or courting someone is not the time to do that. When the relationship turns into something serious it's time to start considering sharing those things.

Totally fair points, but I think if you want to be accepted and content then you need to let people see the real you. Of course I have lost some "friends" over the years but they weren't really friends. Mental illness is a big part of who I am whether people like it or not. For myself it tends to be one of the first things I tell people when getting to know them. If they cant handle it, I would rather they ditch me sooner than later.

That all being said, everyone is different. Everyone is going to handle things different. In the end we each need to take the course of action that is best for us. There is no right or wrong choice here.

[divine1966]

I don’t wear mask at home but I sometimes have to at work. If I have a bad day or something going on, I still need to be appropriate at work.

[eskielover]

No masks here at all ever anywhere now. When I moved here 11 years ago not knowing anyone I was just very careful what I rebealed & when & wiuld only discuss my past with people when it came up in discussion. I was starting a NEW life. My psychologist saud I had walls built up to protect myself but even those have now all crumbled to dust. I am happy now & when I do share about the legal battle I am goung through I don't even feel emotional about it. It is just the facts to me thoygh I do say how nuce it will be to get this divorce over with finally. The peaceful life I have lived the last 11 years & all that I have learned about my past & the 13 years of major sutuational depression with suicide attempts are all behind me & I finally understand what & why it happened with the help of good therapy. I share my information when it is relevant to the conversation & live in the awesome present I now enjoy the rest if the time. When I have something troubling me, I am now surrounded by an awesome support netwirk if friends that I can share these things wirh & discuss how best to handle those things. I finally feel about my life & community the way I always imagined it should be for the first 54 years of my life. It just feels so good to just always be my real self in every part of my life.....no masks needed.