[DapperChapper]

First of all, sorry for rambling. If I haven't explained something very well, please ask for clarification and I'll happily give it. Anyway...

I’ve been dealing with an increase of stress/anxiety recently. There are currently a few things going in my life, which could be the reason I’m feeling stressed.

- I’ve started a new job
- I'm spending a lot of my free time training for a big sports competition coming up and am under a lot of pressure for it
- I’ve recently started dating someone
- I don’t feel like I’m getting enough sleep/being properly rested

Even if the fact that I’ve started dating someone isn’t the (primary) cause of my stress, I’m definitely thinking to myself that it is. I am so clueless when it comes to dating and I can’t seem to relax. I *think* that I tend to enjoy myself when I’m out with the other person, but I can’t help but worry about so many things when we’re apart. I care far too much about what other people think about things like this. I know I shouldn’t (trust me, I know), but I can’t help spend far too much time thinking about what people think about my love life (whether they approve/disapprove, what they’ll think if something doesn’t work out etc.) There’s also the fact that I haven’t dated someone in over 18 months (and before then it wasn’t often) and so I just have almost no idea how I’m supposed to feel.

I understand that there isn’t one set way people feel when they’re dating someone; there are so many different things you might feel dependent on what kind of person you (both) are, and what you’re looking for (long-term relationship, casual fling etc.) However, I just have no frame of reference for what I should be feeling. I don’t feel sad/down when I’m out with them, but is there a level of, say, positivity where I should be if things are going well? If I have a negative thought (e.g. I don’t whether this person is right for me), is it because I legitimately think that, or is it because my brain is panicking at the idea of me getting close to someone and wants to come up with any reason to prevent it? I don't have a lot of past experience to compare with these feelings either. All I really have are the memories of how (I think) I felt several years ago when I thought myself to be truly in love. Comparing how I feel now to how I think I was feeling years ago doesn’t seem a fair or sensible comparison.

I don’t want to get too carried away with any ridiculous lines of thought, but I’m finding it hard to keep myself calm. This stress isn’t going away and (as I mentioned at the start), even if it has nothing to do with me dating someone, on some level I clearly think it is and am getting myself far more worked up than I should. Any ideas? Thank you in advance.

Tl;dr I’ve started dating someone and I’m freaking myself out about it. Help.

[WasabiAlmonds]

It's sounds like your life is going in a good direction, so maybe you're worried about losing the positive momentum.

Perhaps take up a coping activity like meditation or journaling as you get acclimated to the new strain on your neurology.

One day you may look back on this time in your life as not stressful but rather exciting.

[DapperChapper]

Losing the positive momentum? I'm not sure what you mean by that. Do you mean with the job/dating/something else?

It's possible I might look back on this with different thoughts, but I suppose you could say the same for a lot of things in your life. I'm just feeling overwhelmed with things at the moment and even the things which are supposed to be fun are adding more pressure/making me stressed.

I'll look into the whole meditation thing (I can try writing a journal thing too, although that's not really my thing). When exactly are you supposed to do this though? At the start of the day? The end? Whenever you feel stressed?

[LaraR4444]

I think sometimes things happen in our lives, triggers, stressful things both good and bad, that make us tend to be anxious and have symptoms for no other reason than that they're there and our brain does that with them. And I believe there are times when it is just that simple, but we become anxious about being anxious and make a big mystery out of it.

You've got three things going on that raise stress levels even if they are positive things. Maybe thinking it is just a response to these things and focusing on being good to yourself during this time will help?

[aimlesshiker]

Originally Posted by DapperChapper

Losing the positive momentum? I'm not sure what you mean by that. Do you mean with the job/dating/something else?

It's possible I might look back on this with different thoughts, but I suppose you could say the same for a lot of things in your life. I'm just feeling overwhelmed with things at the moment and even the things which are supposed to be fun are adding more pressure/making me stressed.

I'll look into the whole meditation thing (I can try writing a journal thing too, although that's not really my thing). When exactly are you supposed to do this though? At the start of the day? The end? Whenever you feel stressed?

When I did meditate (I’ve gone out of the habit, which is bad), I would do it pretty much first thing in the morning. You get it out of the way and start the day off right. I have a big Google spreadsheet of audio guides for meditation if you'd like to take a look; I can't post the link here but I can PM you if you want. As a previous poster mentioned, meditation can be helpful, especially if, in your case, you practice mindfulness and self-compassion.

Mindfulness might help you appreciate your new relationship in the moment instead of worrying all the time. You could try reminding yourself of things you're grateful for when you do start to worry. Take a breath, step back, and just remind yourself of something positive. Could be relationship-orientated or not.This might play out as:

"I'm so worried things won't work out with this person..."
"But, they're with me now, and there must be a reason why they're hanging out with me," or,
"I love the way he/she/them smiles," or simply,
"It's a beautiful day and it finally looks like spring!"

Self-compassion can help anyone, but if you're anything like me you have self-doubt as to whether or not you can sustain a relationship or will be a good enough partner. The more you worry about that, the less of a companion you can be for the other person.

Originally Posted by DapperChapper

If I have a negative thought (e.g. I don’t whether this person is right for me), is it because I legitimately think that, or is it because my brain is panicking at the idea of me getting close to someone and wants to come up with any reason to prevent it?

This caught my attention because I think you've tapped into something. I want to think that you're brain is panicking. Like you mention, you haven't had a relationship in a while, and these feelings are somewhat foreign and maybe even uncomfortable. I feel like I’m in a sort of similar situation, except I’ve been with my man for almost 2 years now but am still feeling overwhelmed :P. Before him, I hadn't dated anyone in years and was thinking I'd be alone for most of my 20s. I think it’s important to know that it's OK to feel nervous; don't make yourself feel bad for feeling bad. I think mindfulness will help you just appreciate your relationship as it is instead of worrying what it *might* be or become.

Now, if only I could take my own advice... sigh.