[Maria5550]

So, I am 53 and he is now 67. We met a little over a year ago, and online forum dealing with my health issues and he was and has been assisting me.
It did not take long for us to truly click and subsequently, fall in love..although long distance what we had and are has NEVER happened to me beforel
We connect on every level and are both passionate about health and wellness.

We spoke on phone constantly and skype regularly also. After three months, I flew to his state and we were instantly comfortale and at ease....Unfortunately, I am in Canada so the borders pose a small issue not to mention I am on a very fixed income. His income fluctates so finding the $$ is a problem at times but he did come here to see me and meet my parents, 5 months later for my birthday after Christmas.

The more we spoke, and we talk about EVERYTHING, little things have bothered me. I can see his emotional maturity is not as it should be and I see this in things he says and does and his past as well.
He traveled much in his youth, had a few assorted relationships and even got married at 32 but regretted it instantly even though she got pregnant and they had a baby, she left to go back to the US, he stayed back, depressed and had a fling. He feels remorse and shame for this but his lack of immaturity stood out here as he went through and got married because he felt gulty.

The marriage was eventually annulled and he had a relationship or two in between meeting a young woman and dating her. At this point he was 41 she was 19 which repulses the heck out of me but I truly mean it when I say he was probably emotionally that age. He should have known better then to be involved with someone so young, and she came from adopted homes where abandoned. Her parents even warned him that she was manipulative but he stayed in the relationship and she got pregnant. He told me, in both of these women's pregnancies, they told him they knew when they could get pregnant and to not worry and to me, that is a red flag too. He should have KNOWN, especially after the first time, to use protection. He wasn't thinking like a mature man should think.
When I asked him once why he was involved with someone so young he said they were in some sort of school together, and he was younger too. I said 'YOU WERE 41!"... hs even saw himself as young then, do you see how I see such immaturity and lack of self awareness?...

Anyways, with this younger woman, she had an affair or two and he ignorantly believed her when she said how sorry she was. She got pregnant again and this child was brain damaged and HE takes care of this now 20 year old son and has full time, for 15 years. He has custody and his life is caring for a seizure ridden, basically 5 year old child. She gets him on weekends and she sounds borderline. She is an angry woman.

HIS past was one of sexual abuse a father who killed himself and was a an alcoholic abuse also.

So his life is caring for this young man, working when he can...he was celibate for 15 years until we met. I was also for 10, coming from divorce but amicable just not for us.

So my heartache is two fold. He and I are incredible together. He says I have saved his life from a dreary exsitence to now having something to live for. He did have a stress heart attack three years ago but is quite well now. At that time, his ex was trying to get custody back, the son was seizuring all night so he was on no sleep, he was a stressed out mess. All so tragic.

I was a model, now a fitness trainer...I was NOT looking for this at all and was content to stay single forever for whatever odd reason even though men always were approahing me. I'm a deep introvert and just could not be bothere.
But I digress. the sadess is that this long distance is difficult....and due to neither of us having much $$ we rarely are together. He will be flying me out again in two months but that will be after a 7 month separation.
The other sadess is he is determined we will somehow live together and I hate to burst his bubble when it nearly is impossible immigration wise without the sponsorship money etc.
His past with other women haunts me. Yes, that was well over 25-30 years ago but it just does and I try to keep it in the past and this man is IN LOVE with me like I have never been loved or cherished before.

So what is my question? how to get over his long ago promiscuity..and how to deal with distance as it is. If I did live in his town, unless his son lived elsehere, I cannot live in that situation as I have stress issues and living with a person who can fall on the ground and have a seizure at any moment would be too much for me, not to mention this boy can barely speak and watches cartoon or movies all day. This is not a life I want and he knows this and is trying to find a different situation. He isn't young anynore either so it eventually has to change. Am I harming him by letting him believe his dreams could happen as he sees me as negative if I speak of the hardships to even do so?...is the space between reality and dreams one that is so tragically sad that I am doing him a disservice by letting him believe somehow we could live together? OR is letting him have his dreams healthier for his awful life..gives him a sense of bliss and passion.

There is a fine line between delusion and positive thinking...do you see how many issues there are in this very difficult situation? My obsessing about his promiscuity as a young man is ridiculous compared to the real issues yet I can't help it. I was no angel either, so I don't get why I struggle so much?

I realized being with a man who traveled, was married a bit later but it was short lived....would obviously have had many relationships compared to a younger man... but due to his last relationship ending so horribly with a damaged son, a cheating wife who was vindictive and angry..this last 15 years he has been raising both boys, saddled with the burden of forever caring for the one, he hasn't had the opportunity to meet anyone special so this past two decades, he has been essentially single and celibate.

I don't even know what I am properly asking here?.. re reading this it looks all so horrible. He IS a good man though. He helps those with health issue for free when he is able...he has been an amazing father. I see his behviours as a young man were of a very damaged, immature person. Even now, when I went to meet him and he introduced me to a couple of people, it was like he was a beta male. Insecure and almost timid but not in all cases.

but WOW our chemistry....the way we are together. The sharing and honesty we do together by speaking for multiple times per day this past year. In person we were so comfortable. It was like this odd peace that had no explanation. I need to focus on THAT and stop thinking of his poor behavior so many years ago but it is not easiy.

sorry this is so disjointed. I am just overwhelmed with feelings for him and trying so hard to leave his past where it belongs. Enjoy the moments of love and adoration he showers on me and inspire him to do and be better each day.

[ArchieAus]

Emotionally the stumbling block seems to be the 22 yr age difference with the crazy girl . A man of 67 will come with a past . While that may not have been a wise decision, he hasn't axe murdered anyone . Your own age difference is 14 yrs , which some would feel they need to judge . They would be wrong to judge , but there's always plenty of people who feel the need to judge others . So that stumbling block ... are you unable to accept the relationship he had , or is it that his past choices makes you feel uneasy about his future choices ?
Logistically it sounds quite difficult to maintain and/or develop the relationship . The physical distance , country borders , current family commitments and financial backing are difficult hurdles . If you were looking at the situation logically then you would say " it's just too difficult " , but of course you have said you feel a strong emotional connection to this gentleman . It's easy to over think everything . Live your life as you do . Enjoy the bond you have and see where it takes you . Offer nothing you don't believe you can realistically give . Just enjoy your connection today . Don't worry about where it will be in 1 year or 5 years . Pretty sure that's how the young people do it ?...from memory .The future has a habit of taking care of itself .

[Skeezyks]

Hello Maria: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this quandary. And I'm not sure there's really much of anything I can offer either. (By the way, I'm 69.) The situation, as you describe it, is I'm afraid one of those situations to which there are no simple answers. I have to say that, given all of the challenges you mentioned that continuing to be in a relationship with this man would pose, I'm inclined to say it simply may not be "in the cards", as we used to say, except perhaps as a permanent long distance relationship. At the same time, though, as the old saying goes... love conquers all. So I suppose anything is possible.

I think, to some extent, this is a question of whether or not you have enough love for this man to carry the two of you over all of the obstacles an in-person relationship would impose. (You clearly know what they all are.) And, in order to figure that out, perhaps you may need to see if you can find a counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can explore what you are feeling & how to handle it. I think this is a process that could take some time & effort.

I do think though that if you would come to the decision you simply cannot foresee this relationship becoming anything more than it already is that it is important you tell your friend so as clearly & concisely as possible. It may seem as though allowing him to continue to dream is the kind thing to do. But my personal opinion would be that it's potentially just setting him up for deeper grief down the road. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you both well...

P.S. One other thought I would just like to mention is that it is one thing to have a fantastic relationship with a person long distance, or even up-close-&-personal if you're not actually living together. It's quite something else to live together day-in & day-out. I've read quite a few posts, here on PC, written by members (women primarily) who thought they had found the man of their dreams but who learned too late they had married a monster. Given what you would potentially have to go though to be with this gentleman, you may want to be cautious. Call me paranoid. But, as the saying goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you...

[Maria5550]

I appreciate your assistance and do agree, it IS a logistical nightmare. I will try to stay in the moment and try to not obsess over his past. That is the problem with being with someone older, this sort of thing is of course part of it if they were permiscuous and not in a secure and honourable relationship.

i will do as you say and try to just be in the now.

[Maria5550]

[
I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this quandary. And I'm not sure there's really much of anything I can offer either. (By the way, I'm 69.) The situation, as you describe it, is I'm afraid one of those situations to which there are no simple answers. I have to say that, given all of the challenges you mentioned that continuing to be in a relationship with this man would pose, I'm inclined to say it simply may not be "in the cards", as we used to say, except perhaps as a permanent long distance relationship. At the same time, though, as the old saying goes... love conquers all. So I suppose anything is possible.

@@@ that is what breaks my heart. that it might not be in the cards. Is that why all those tragic love songs are written then? I was thinking the same thing. A permanent long distance. He truly believe there is some way it can work but that borders on delusion almost. Love doesn't conquer all i don't think when there are borders and laws. It just is which makes me so sad but I didn't have to do this.

I think, to some extent, this is a question of whether or not you have enough love for this man to carry the two of you over all of the obstacles an in-person relationship would impose. (You clearly know what they all are.) And, in order to figure that out, perhaps you may need to see if you can find a counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can explore what you are feeling & how to handle it. I think this is a process that could take some time & effort.
@@@@ I wish I had funds to do that. Such good advice!... 'sigh'...I sought this forum out as I didn't know where to turn. My friends don't think I should be in this as it is too heartbreaking for me so their advice is jaded.

I do think though that if you would come to the decision you simply cannot foresee this relationship becoming anything more than it already is that it is important you tell your friend so as clearly & concisely as possible. It may seem as though allowing him to continue to dream is the kind thing to do. But my personal opinion would be that it's potentially just setting him up for deeper grief down the road. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you both well...
@@@! that's what I was wondering. I think once he realizes he won't be able to separate from his son easily in another home it's too sad to suddenly abandon him even though he, in his age, can't do it forever, he has a couple of good years where he still could. I've told him I would NEVER ask anything of him in that regard as he one day would grow to resent me. So, it will just end up being a long distance for as long as we can stand although I don't want to witness him age so quickly if he remains caretaker....It isn't good to put myself through that either, noit with my stress related auto immune disease.

P.S. One other thought I would just like to mention is that it is one thing to have a fantastic relationship with a person long distance, or even up-close-&-personal if you're not actually living together. It's quite something else to live together day-in & day-out. I've read quite a few posts, here on PC, written by members (women primarily) who thought they had found the man of their dreams but who learned too late they had married a monster. Given what you would potentially have to go though to be with this gentleman, you may want to be cautious. Call me paranoid. But, as the saying goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you... [/QUOTE]
@@@ oh yes, I get that..totally I do. paranoid is not always a bad thing ;-)

thankyou for your wisdom and support. I will try to put his past out of my head, focus on our upcoming get together in August and that is it!... If after this year his living situation with his son remains I think by then he will realize, although I am the love of his life, somtimes, love isn't enough either.