[Moonrisemoss]

So I recently feel like I am at a crossroad with a long term female friend.

We met in uni and had a close bond, however through the course of the years she betrayed me. I don't care much for it now, but to put it in context my friend hooked up with a guy I was seeing without me knowing after witnessing her flirt openly in front of me to later find out that she went home with him one evening when I wasn't around. I did confront her at the time and asked how this was ok, she however dismissed it and didn't see it as an issue because we were not dating.

I distanced myself for a number of months after the incident but we went back to spending time together again without ever touching on the subject again so it was not ever truly resolved. I chose to reduce our time to only having coffees and occasionally hanging out as she would behave mostly like this around alcohol and social environments.

Although recently I am faced with the awful feeling of her making advances towards my present boyfriend whom I am very close with and share a really good relationship with. I have kept her away thus far but we recently went out for my birthday and I got irked to see her pull the same type of behaviour with my present partner. She has been forceful in wanting to be a part of my relationship and wanting to get to know him but I absolutely feel horrified to integrate her into my life at that personal level as she can be flirtatious and oblivious to her behaviour even though I have spoken to her about this.

Where the conflict within my psyche comes in is that a year ago she offered me to take her place at a job that she no longer wanted and I took her up on the offer. It was a great help and I feel incredibly grateful for the good things she has done for me, however this issue that I have seen in the past has resurfaced and I am finding it to be unbearable to witness. I trust my boyfriend 100% and he has zero interest but I am mortified to have her in my personal space again because it is uncomfortable and inappropriate of her. I have only witnessed how this is an integral part of her personality and she won't change.

I am wanting to severe the friendship but am I being ungrateful for the good things she has done for me or is this just unacceptable behaviour on her part?

[healingme4me]

At this point, I would guess that your employment is now about the merits of your work performance and less about filling in for her, so to speak. Does one truly owe another a daily friendship or whatever level of friendship over a good reference/referral?

And about the other part about giving her an inside track to your bf. No. Just, No. Granted he's not some piece of property or a piece of meat. No. Gosh that's about the most awkward request. :\

[seesaw]

Um...I think you could keep this to an acquaintanceship, where you see each other in professional or social situations but do not have a personal, individual relationship. I say this because what she did with your previous BF was totally unacceptable.

[mote.of.soul]

Hello. Just to answer your fundamental question, I think no, you're not being ungrateful, because it's not about that. No doubt you have already expressed your gratitude to her for the job opportunity - so, that's that. This thing with her flirtations is a separate issue. But if it doesn't sit well with you to sever the friendship while working in a job she gave to you, then possibly find a different job - for the sake of your conscience - before proceeding.

I think you should have no guilt about severing your friendship despite the job referral. As Mote of Soul says, they are separate issues and you probably already thanked her for the job. The thing is, not only has she already done this once, but now she is approaching trying to encroach upon your relationship a second time. In this case I would say two strikes and you're out. In fact, I would have severed my friendship the moment she went home with the first boyfriend! I would have no qualms at all about severing the friendship. This is no friend of yours. She is fully aware of her flirtatious behavior by you pointing it out. She is not oblivious. This is deliberate on her part at this point. And why is she insistent on getting to know your boyfriend? That's suspect to me. Something is very wrong with her. I am in fact offended & disgusted by her behavior on your behalf.

[AspiringAuthor]

Originally Posted by Moonrisemoss

Where the conflict within my psyche comes in is that a year ago she offered me to take her place at a job that she no longer wanted and I took her up on the offer.

SHE NO LONGER WANTED the job

She did you a favor, but not a huge one, and you definitely do not owe anything to her at this point in your life. Limit her contact with you and trust your instincts.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Moonrisemoss

So I recently feel like I am at a crossroad with a long term female friend.

We met in uni and had a close bond, however through the course of the years she betrayed me. I don't care much for it now, but to put it in context my friend hooked up with a guy I was seeing without me knowing after witnessing her flirt openly in front of me to later find out that she went home with him one evening when I wasn't around. I did confront her at the time and asked how this was ok, she however dismissed it and didn't see it as an issue because we were not dating.

I distanced myself for a number of months after the incident but we went back to spending time together again without ever touching on the subject again so it was not ever truly resolved. I chose to reduce our time to only having coffees and occasionally hanging out as she would behave mostly like this around alcohol and social environments.

Although recently I am faced with the awful feeling of her making advances towards my present boyfriend whom I am very close with and share a really good relationship with. I have kept her away thus far but we recently went out for my birthday and I got irked to see her pull the same type of behaviour with my present partner. She has been forceful in wanting to be a part of my relationship and wanting to get to know him but I absolutely feel horrified to integrate her into my life at that personal level as she can be flirtatious and oblivious to her behaviour even though I have spoken to her about this.

Where the conflict within my psyche comes in is that a year ago she offered me to take her place at a job that she no longer wanted and I took her up on the offer. It was a great help and I feel incredibly grateful for the good things she has done for me, however this issue that I have seen in the past has resurfaced and I am finding it to be unbearable to witness. I trust my boyfriend 100% and he has zero interest but I am mortified to have her in my personal space again because it is uncomfortable and inappropriate of her. I have only witnessed how this is an integral part of her personality and she won't change.

I am wanting to severe the friendship but am I being ungrateful for the good things she has done for me or is this just unacceptable behaviour on her part?

don't hold yourself forever obligated to someone that once did something to benefit you. Sure you can be grateful but that in no way should imply that you allow bad behavior regardless of who they are and what they've done. there is no string tied to her helping you get a job nor does it give her the rights to intrude on your relationship with your boyfriend, act slutty by coming onto men that are already attached etc.

Two separate things. say 'thank you for your help' when appropriate and tell the same person to gtfo when they are obviously detrimental to your well being and feeling secure in your relationship. no one needs a so called friend that flirts with their SO.

[AspiringAuthor]

If your BF finds her presence awkward, as he might, explain to him that the woman helped you with a referral in the past and that you felt indebted, but that you do not intend to feel that way for life and that you won't invite her again when he is in your company.

[Bill3]

You are not being ungrateful.