I don't know if I should break up with my Long-Term Boyfriend

Hello, and beforehand, sorry for this very long problem.
And thank you for reading, of course.

I have a very long-term boyfriend. We have been dating since I was 16, I'm 23 now, and turning into 24 later this month. That's eight years. He is older than me, he is now 29, turning 30 later this year.

My problem is that I don't know if I should continue my relationship with him. Since a few months back I have been thinking about it sporadically, but this week I started to consider it seriously, and the fact that I don't know what to do is killing me.

I kinda love him. He loves me a lot. I know it, we have been together for long. He wants to get married, and I wanted too. But there are little things in the middle, piling up, that are making me doubt if I should continue or not.

He is not very mature. He doesn't have a job, and he has been trying for the past five or six years to get into university, without success.

That never bothered me, he is the most intelligent and skilled person I know. This summer he built a two floors house in the back of his garden. I don't know many people that can do that. He also can learn really easily a lot of things I can't understand (I'm weak at basic maths and physics, but strong at literature, languages, and any other social-based subject).

If he doesn't know something, he can learn. But the reason he couldn't get into university is that he is incredibly prideful and stubborn. Slowly, over the course of these past years, he became a little bit less prideful and started listening to a bit more to my advise, or others people's.

Basic things like to fill up an exam, even if you think you are going to fail (the first two years he didn't pass the entrance exam because he thought he wouldn't pass, so he delivered a blank page. When he filled the exam, and didn't pass, he didn't want to go to the revisions class. I advised him to go and see where he did go wrong, and he didn't. Doesn't bother me now, but at the time, I couldn't understand).

These things, and others, make me have second thoughts about really spending the rest of my life with him.

Makes me think he is going to grow to be one of these persons you can't talk to, until we both became too old, or too alone to try to start again. I'm afraid of that.

It's really hard to me to talk to him when he is too prideful, because he can get mad really easily. And when he is angry at me he doesn't talk. Literally, he puts you under the ice treatment, and if I ask him what's wrong, he says that's nothing and pretends it's all in my head until he gets what he wants or I feel miserable enough.

The first few times he did that to me I felt awful. This year I didn't, I realised I didn't want to be dominated like that.

There is also this issue that's been bothering me for long, and is that he never listens. This week he wanted me to take him to print some curriculums. I told him that I had a German exam on Tuesday, and that on Wednesday I was meeting with my friends at four.

I don't have many friends. I actually have only two.

And even though I repeated to him around four times, he forgot. On Wednesday I called him to arrange how we were going to meet up. We were going to print some images with the curriculum, and he hadn't sent them to me yet. We couldn't arrange, and he decided he was going to print the CV alone.

At the end, I left to be with my friends, without meeting him. He sent me then a message that said 'Oh I wanted to meet up because I though we could go for ice cream. If you have your personal things to do at town I can help you'.

That was refering to something I said to him the week before, when he first asked me to help him with the curriculum. We both live outside the city, and I usually like to arrange well our trips to save on gas. So, if I was going to make a little scape to go to the printer and back home, I told him we could go for ice cream if he wanted.

Everything in the middle about me finally meeting with my friends, didn't stick into his head.

And that's if with everything. He is always twisting the plans, because he doesn't listen, or he doesn't care. Today I told him about it and he didn't say anything for quite a long while. It bugs me.

He is awful at fighthing. Last year I proposed myself to be more patient, and to listen when we fight. I like to listen to what he says, to get to a middle ground. He doesn't. He never does. I accept defeat, more than once, but he never does, he keeps on talking, or if he does, he ends up in a quiet angry silence.

Same with family meetings. I always thought it was nice not to show off my boyfriend in every family meeting, but now it's making me feel bad that he never goes to anyone. Is not like we have a lot of meetings, actually my family outside my parents is quite disconnected.

But for example, earlier this year, my uncle, aunt and older cousin from Capital city came to visit. They never come here, and because it was my dad's and grandmother's birthday, we went out to a fancy restorant and all. I invited him to come and meet them, because he has never, and well, even if it's a meh relationship... I don't know.

I kinda expected him to be with me. But he didn't want to, no explanations. And when I cousin asked my for a pic of my boyfriend to at least see him (and I didn't have one at the time), he joked that I had an imaginary one. I kinda went with it, but I felt awful inside.

And I finally have this little couple problem, that he never helps me with the house. We don't live together, and I live with my parents, but when we cook dinner for the family, he is always super messy, and I'm the one behind cleaning. I told him to be more careful, he mocked me.

He doesn't like to wash the dishes, and never cares to properly put on/off the table. I told him he could help drying the dishes, but he never arrange them. He just drops water into the floor and leaves a messy kitchen with dishes everywhere. I told him once to put a bit of order, he stumped angrily to my room, leaving me with all the work.

If he finish before me, he doesn't stick to give me an extra help, he goes to the sofa, with cellphone/TV/whatever and waits for me while I keep on working.

He actually doesn't help me anymore. He wont if I don't tell him to.

It's stupid, but it messes me up so much. It makes me think I'm going to be a miserable housewive if I marry him.

In the eight years of relationship, I have finished highschool with very good grades, when to art school, finished it, and now I'm a comic artist. I have been working freelance the past year, and this year two comics of mine are going to be published in two printed anthologies.

For me is a lot. Truth is that is not too much for me to live off it yet. He doesn't care if he is less sucessful than me, thanks god, but I came to the realisation that he couldn't achieve anything in this same period we were together.

I don't blame him. He has a horrible family, and he dropped highschool when his father kicked him out of the house. He made mistakes. I know that it's not easy for someone who has never had support from his loved ones to achieve something. I gave him all, support, I helped him study and prepare his exams.

But he is turning 30 this year. And it bugs me more and more. Because I realiced that, until now, I have been treating him like he was my age. He is not my age anymore. He didn't change. He is not mature for his age. Or maybe it's my problem, that he is not mature enough for me.

But I can't come to terms with breaking up because I love him. Becuase I know I'll break his heart, and I can't do that to him. Don't think that he is awful, he is the sweetest person I know. I'm awfully afraid that he will get into depression if I leave him. Or that he won't try to get into university, or med school. At the same time, I feel I'd be more free, but more alone.

I already told him that I'm a comic artist. I work from home, so I'm alone most of the time. I live outside the city, so I don't have any friends nearby. I don't know if I'm in the autism spectrum, but because I have trouble speaking to people, and I never look at the eye, everyone says I do.

I think that maybe that's because I can't make new friends. Or because people don't take me seriously. I don't trust many people outside my two best friends, and I feel uneasy with anyone I don't know touching me. And I also feel that if I leave him, I'm not going to get another relationship.

I also have trouble because I make the perfect impossible plan in my head and I obsess with it, even though I know I won't achieve it. Yesterday I though I could get a job outside the country and leave him a bit before moving, because I really don't want to talk about it with my parents, either live in a room filled with the things he gave me.

Please don't think I'm insane, I just spend a lot of time alone.

So well, I had the hope that you would listen to me, because I don't know with who to talk about this, and I can't see myself talking face to face to anyone. This problem is making me super anxious, and I know that if I let it stay, I may either forget it until it comes back, greater and stronger; or I'll keep rolling my head around until I make some dumb desision.

And, above all SORRY IF MY ENGLISH IS AWFUL. I'm fluent in the language, but it's not my mother tongue, so I'm sure I made some mistakes.

Thank you deeply for reading and listening.

I'm sorry you are faced with this difficult dilemma. There's a lot here in what you wrote. And I could write a lot in response to it. However I don't want to write a book here. And I doubt you would want to read it if I did.

I guess the one thing I can say is that, since your bf is approaching 30, it may be unlikely he's going to change significantly. So my thinking is... what you see may well be what you get, as the saying goes. If you're less than happy with the way things are now, marrying your bf... or at least staying with him for the long haul... is only going to bring you more of what you're already experiencing.

I know you wrote that you love your bf, you don't want to hurt him & you're concerned about what will happen with him if you leave him. But you have your own life to live. Plus, at least in my experience, things don't tend to improve once a couple marries. If anything, problems become amplified... especially if children enter the picture. And along those lines, one thing you mentioned that would be of concern to me is with regard to your bf giving you the "ice treatment". This is typically considered to be a form of emotional abuse. And so, at least from my perspective, it does not bode well for your future if you stay with this man. Unfortunately I don't have anything to offer wiith regard to your concern you may not find another relationship if you leave this one. That is a potential problem you will have to weigh in the balance as you decide how to proceed here I'm afraid.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some help to you in figuring out where to go from here:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/before...e-5-questions/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/life-...-with-someone/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-yo...ving-together/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-war...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...abused-part-i/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_quiz.htm

You brought up the question of whether you might possibly be on the autism spectrum. So here's a link to a quiz you can take that may be of some help in further determining if you "qualify":

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/autism-test/

My best wishes to you...

Admittedly I only read about half of what you wrote (sorry), but I think I get the main jist of it: you're unhappy with him because of some definite issues he has and are conflicted on leaving him or not. He frankly sounds like a spoiled child. I definitely don't blame you for wanting to leave. All of what I read are pretty big issues and will only lead to you being miserable in a marriage if not divorced later.

If he was willing to work on those issues, would you still want to be with him? If you can answer "yes" to that, it might be worth trying to get him to go to couple's counseling with you. If he can't manage it or gets worse, get out of there. If you answered "no" or similar to that question, I'd trust that feeling and break it off.

I stopped reading after learning that he had no job and can’t get into school either plus when he gets mad he doesn’t talk and he doesn’t help around the house. All total deal breakers for me when it comes to long term or marriage. I’d be done

I would cut my losses and be on my own for awhile. I do not think he will change enough to even compromise with you and you will always be on the losing end of anything. People really aren't able to change that much. You are just 23 and have your whole life ahead of you. You only have one life..no do overs. I am sure there are many young men you will meet who have some aspirations. Don't tie yourself down to a 30 year old who has no real desire to move ahead in life and become part of your family.

I do g oh I really how skilled he is it be can't figure out how to get a job or take 6 years to get into university. Building in the back yard means only that he can do just that. Did he build it to code, did he follow direction...Those are indications of skill. If he is such a great builder why has he not pursued that as a career.These are just questions that come to mind.

I think you owe it to yourself to meet more young men to have some comparison. You have been with him since 16, so not much if any other dating experiences.

Relationships get difficult when we don't even feel like we can talk to the person. Can you at least talk with him about how you don't feel like you can talk with him?

If you're going to break up with him anyway, at least lay it all out, a summation of your post, on the table to talk about. Maybe it's the wake-up call he needs.

Or maybe he'll just get defensive and deflect.

And there's your answer on what to do.

Being with someone out of fear of being alone or hoping they will change are never good reasons. As the posters above me already said, the final decision is up to you.

Wishing you all the best.

I thought that your English was lovely.

I read your entire post. But truly I had read all I needed to know when you said:

After eight years, you do not actually love him. That, to me, is enough to answer your question.

I also agree with everything divine said. Enough is enough.

It seems that a main reason to not break up with him is that he will be hurt and may struggle. But you are to be his partner, not his mother. You have spent eight years giving him the guidance that you say he lacked as a child.

You have been his caregiver long enough.

Those vignettes you shared about his anger, his refusal to listen, his "ice treatment", his anti-sociability, his willingness to mock you, his inability or unwillingness to make progress in any direction in life, his pride, his unwillingness to help, his inability to accept criticism...so many problems, so much emotional abuse. They all give every indication that living with him will be hellonearth.

If you break up with him, and I hope that you do, then put away all of those things he gave you. That will help you move on. It was nice that he gave you things, but not nearly enough. A truly sweet man would share with you of his sweetness every day by doing the opposite of what he does to you every day.