[ripuanewhole]

Info on Me: I’m a little over 40, Strong and Athletic, 6’4, 225 lbs (could afford to lose 20 lbs, but it doesn’t show). College BS degree in Civil Engineering, and PE license. Currently a stay at home dad. Hobbies = Playing team sports (Basketball/Football), Computer Games (Strategy/RPG), Hanging out with my kids. I had a very stable 2 parent religious oriented childhood. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t thinking about sex. I remember looking forward to marriage so I could finally get laid, and then reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

Info on my Wife: A little under 40, 5’10”, 160 lbs? (Could afford to loose about 15 lbs, but still looks great). College BS degree in Electrical Engineering. Supports the family with a great salary. She doesn’t really have any long-term hobbies. Reads books, watches TV, sometimes sews, sometimes works out… She’s a highly logical female, and smarter than me. Her mother has divorced 5 times, and she was sexually abused as a child by one of her mother’s boyfriends who went to jail for it. She is overall a wonderful person, and a great mother, but she has 2 major flaws. She is an ice queen who hasn’t had a libido since our first year of dating, and she is a very selfish person. Other more minor flaws include being a social recluse and jealousy.

Info on our marriage: Married for 15 years. Both virgins when married. We waited 8 yrs before having 3 beautiful children. We have built 2 houses together (by built I mean we actually pounded nails etc.). We generally get along pretty well, but fight like cats and dogs when we’re not getting along. We’ve talked of divorce several times, but have never followed through. We are both fiscally responsible, and financial issues have not negatively impacted our relationship. In my mind, the only real issue in our relationship is a lack of sex. Prior to kids we probably averaged sex about once every month. During the kid making process we probably averaged sex once a week. Since kids we’ve continued the once a week average until our 2nd house at which point we have had sex twice in the last 3 years. Early in our marriage she was willing to try doggy style and cowgirl, but otherwise it has only been missionary while she lays there like a dead fish until I get off. The last time she allowed me to touch her ***** region with anything other than my **** was while we were dating.

Info on our kids: Oldest (boy) has very mild autistic issues, but is doing pretty well in school. He is very challenging, and has caused our marriage stress. Middle (girl) is highly intelligent, moody, and doing amazing in school. Youngest (girl) isn’t in school yet, is our most outgoing child, but in a star wars universe would be a Sith. I adore my children, and am willing to continue my sexless marriage (I think) until they are out of the house, because I do not want to put them through a divorce.

The reason I’m here: A year ago, my wife told me that she wasn’t physically attracted to me and didn’t think she ever had been. She claimed that she had tried to pretend and just couldn’t do it anymore. Sex with me is somehow a repulsive horrible thing for her (even though I know for a fact that she’s orgasmed at least half the times we’ve had sex). She hates that she’s tied down to a family, and pines for a life with no kids, no husband, and no people, where she can relax and do whatever she wants. She is not interested in any one else, she just doesn’t want to be married to me. I convinced her that I wouldn’t ask for sex and would just leave her alone on that front if we could keep the family together for the sake of our kids. She said that she’d give it a year. Well, things went pretty well. We suddenly started getting a long way better and life was good. We recently went on a cruise and left our kids with my parents for a week (for the first time in their lives). I get highly aroused when I’m in a warm environment with lots of attractive people, and asked her if we could have sex on the ship, to which she agreed. I thought it was wonderful and assumed that we were doing better and was thinking that maybe she would become more open to working on our sex life, but upon getting home she turned into a major ***** and started picking fights with me. Having seen this pattern before I confronted her on it and she informed me that nothing had changed, the sex was a horrible experience for her and she thought we should divorce. I told her I would drop the sex subject again, and asked if we could stay together until the youngest kid goes to college. My stupid hopeful nature tells me that she might become a horny older woman, but my logical mind knows that we have probably had sex for the last time. I’m devastated. I love her, and resent her at the same time. She’s ruining my life. I just don’t get how she couldn’t be attracted to me. I dress like a slob, and am balding, but otherwise I have a pretty great body. As much as I’d like to maintain a loving nurturing 2 parent home for my children, I’m not certain that I can go the next 15ish years without messing up and sleeping with someone else.

What I’m hoping for as a response to this post: I’m hoping that someone will give me some ideas on what I can do to cause my wife to find me attractive. Or if you have any other ideas on how to handle this situation keeping in mind that my kids are the #1 priority.

[Skeezyks]

Hello rip: Welcome to PsychCentral. I don't have any ideas on what to do to cause your wife to find you attractive. From my perspective this situation may well simply be what it is & it's a matter of figuring out what to do about it. I would think the appropriate way to proceed would be for you & your wife to engage the services of a marriage & family counselor with whom the two of you can decide on how to proceed from here. (Do be sure to read the 4th article below with regard to this though.) I understand your desire to keep your marriage together for the sake of the kids. But, from what you wrote, it sounds like your wife may not be willing to go along for much longer. And if divorce is in the cards better to do it amicably, & in a well planned out manner, than to have it all blow up in everyone's faces.

Here are links to a bunch articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of facing the possibility of divorce:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/burned...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/should...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/7-reaso...ge-counseling/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-on...-other-doesnt/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-warn...edict-divorce/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/loneli...thin-marriage/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/shocke...sts_position=2

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/paren...bled-marriage/

And then here are links to some articles on the subject of children & divorce:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/kids-an...-tough-issues/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/reduce-...divorce/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/book-re...-your-divorce/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/putting...rough-divorce/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/heali...omment-page-1/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/famil...after-divorce/

Hopefully within all of this, there will be some information you can use hopefully to save your marriage, but if that's not possible, at least to make the split as amicable as possible. I wish you & your family the best.

I apologize for my bluntness but I would say get a divorce. Staying together for kids is not a good idea. Kids pick up on stress. They notice when you aren't happy. I come from a divorced family myself. I believe it is much better to have 2 happy parents that are separated than two unhappy parents together.

Alternatively you could suggest an open relationship where you could sleep with other people. This works for some. However it does not solve your unhappiness factor.

I guess I should also ask if there is any chance she is depressed? Though it sounds like your marriage has always been like this. Perhaps counseling may help?

Personally sex even once a week wouldn't be enough. Once a year would be a deal breaker. From her perspective, I wouldnt want to have sex with someone I wasnt attracted to either.

So I guess my advice would be to consider splitting up. Why prolong the inevitable.

I agree with the above poster!! Excellent comments on the situation and great advice. I agree on all points.

[Erebos]

Just a note from someone who was brought up in a household not unlike yours, except the parents used us kids as pawns in the battle for who could screw over who more.

That aside, it was a horrific, miserable environment to grow up in and really screwed with our ability to form functioning healthy relationships as we grew up.

What was noticeable was our parents were almost nice people to be around once they finally separated...long after me and brother had got away from them, and they got on with something other than making each other miserable.

I don't know what you guys have but it surely isn't how you planned it, or wanted from a marriage. If you even really wanted one in the first place.

Go to a mediator, or marriage counsellor, try and separate amicably.

[ripuanewhole]

Thanks every one for your responses. My kids have complained when we've fought in front of them... we really try not to, but I get your points that it's not a positive thing for kids to be around an unhappy couple. I don't really view us as an unhappy couple, but agree that they rarely see affection between us. I have not talked with my parents or other family about this because I don't want them to hold anything against my wife, but now might be the time to do that. @ Skeezyks... I haven't checked out your links yet, but will do that shortly.