[kismetie]

Hi, so if any of you guys are familiar with the four attachment styles for adults, that's what I'm here to talk about/ask advice on?

I had a pretty decent link that summarized everything in a nice concise way on attachment forms for adults, but I guess I didn't bookmark it so here is a quick link to wikipedia's https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults.

My question is specifically for people who identify with the fearful-avoidant attachment style. How did you finally meet someone or put yourself out there to find a romantic/ or even close platonic partner? How do you work on yourself knowing how wary you can be when it comes to emotional closeness and being vulnerable?

I'm 26 and I've never been in a relationship and struggle to even overcome daily anxieties of socially talking to people to make friendships. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for almost a decade now and I don't feel any closer to resolving much :/ I spent most of the past decade even distancing myself from my own feelings.

Everyone's self story is different and unique to themselves. For me, my fearful avoidant attachment stems from childhood emotional neglect and unhealthy codependent parenting styles from my parents. On top of developing anxiety and depression somewhere along the lines in middle school.

I've never been in a relationship, but I have been in love once and it was an unrequited messy kind of thing between a close friend of mines. But besides that, I have nothing to really go on.

I'm anxious and worried that I'll stay alone forever or if I do meet someone I'll be to preoccupied with my own feelings of mistrust and being taken advantage of or allowing myself to be vulnerable to open up in the relationship OR I'll think I'm just some kind of stepping stone for the other person because of my crappy low self esteem.

I also neurotically worry about if I allow myself to really open up I'll fall into a more anxious-preoccupied attachment style. And I've already been known to gravitate towards dismissive-avoidant types.

So yeah, I tend to overthink everything and psyche myself out before I've even really had a chance to get started and am looking to hear from others, rather that be advice, stories of their own experiences, or whatever!

[Zygomycosis]

Hm. I met a guy of secure attachment style online. His personality was great. He did have some insecurities but ultimately you could tell he was a very healthy individual.

According to the theory on attachment style, secure is the ideal we should strive towards (both on a personal level and otherwise). As a fearful avoidant you should avoid people with avoidant attachment styles (the most), as this exacerbates your own notions which may be detrimental to the relationship. With secure people you feel secure.

Working on yourself regardless of the person and the attachment style, I think, would mean you create some sense of security born out of yourself. If you're afraid to lose someone, you can take comfort in things like something you are passionate about, or other fulfilling relationships or goals (theoretically, as examples). So even if the person leaves you (which is the ultimate fear), you can still fall back on things. This should give you some security or at least comfort if things were to actually turn out a certain way.

I've studied attachment styles a bit, and that's what I've read and heard professionals recommend.

[ShadowGX]

I identify with both the anxious and fearful and what I've been doing is online dating sites. It's the only way for me, I can't do it IRL. The trick though is to not let it get you down that some people on there that will contact you are... not great, or have nothing in common with you. It can be kinda depressing. I tried a new site recently specifically for people in my interest group and that has gone better, but it's still a dating site and thus comes with some of the same issues.

I'm also holding out hope that I'll find someone who is single and remotely near what I need within my interest group. That's where I've found previous relationships, but I've not had one in... well, I'm not doing the math because it will make me sad, but it's been a heck of a long time. Thing is, at this point I'd rather have a good relationship and not like those were, just sort of claiming the first person sort of interested. So pretty much my own fault for being picky that it has been so long, but it's for my own good.

I might suggest taking a gander at the thread I recently made here: https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...ant-other.html
I asked people to tell me how and when they met their partners and whatever other details they were comfortable with giving. I hope it gives you some inspiration and hope as well.

[AspiringAuthor]

I am not familiar with attachment styles and do not have time to read the link, but I have read your post with interest and advise you to not think of BIG relationships of romantic nature right away but instead work on tiny connections - an extra smile here, an enthusiastic "thank you" for service provided there, etc. Then, distant friendships - say, at a book club, meetup of some kind, somewhere where there is a semi-formal setting within which openness and friendliness are expected and are moderated, not necessarily by an actual moderator, as is the case with bookclubs, but possibly by an informal leader, so the resultant environment is not threatening to you and draws out your best social skills. And little by little, work on appreciating what other people have to offer, how they form connections, their friendliness towards you. When you feel comfortable in such controlled situations (when you thank a service provider, it is a controlled situation because most will thank you back at least out of good customer service skills), you can graduate to less controlled situations, and you can bridge the two worlds by, say, asking a book club partner of same sex to have coffee with you. Form connections on PsychCentral as well, to keep exercising the social muscle and to learn to take pleasure in giving and receiving friendly communications. You are too young to worry about never forming a romantic partnership, for one, and, for another, such worry would not precipitate anything good anyway. Take baby steps, achieve the feeling of security and hopefully joy as you proceed, and do not rush your progress. And, congratulate yourself on small milestones. All the best.

[WasabiAlmonds]

Originally Posted by kismetie

My question is specifically for people who identify with the fearful-avoidant attachment style. How did you finally meet someone or put yourself out there to find a romantic/ or even close platonic partner? How do you work on yourself knowing how wary you can be when it comes to emotional closeness and being vulnerable?

Start small. Find a support group, even at church or community center, in which you can develop your emotional muscles so to speak.

If you had weak muscles you'd go to a trainer and this is no different and there's plenty of places for people with anxiety to learn and grow.

I was in your similar situation and went to just one group per week and after six months or so I felt like a different person. All I had to do was listen.