[Maria 722]

When I met my husband 16 years ago I immediately thought he was a momma's boy. At first I thought it was cute because I thought he had a great relationship with his mother and so maybe it was a good sign we would have a good relationship. Now 16 years later I think there may be a huge problem.

When we met, he introduced me to his mother fairly soon. His father left his mother soon after he was born. She remarried but divorced. My husband was very fond of her second husband and was upset when they divorced. They way he put it was "she left a good man, for no good reason".

The first time I met her was on Mother's Day and she didn't make much effort to talk to me. She was in bed and stayed in bed. Didn't bother getting up at all. In time as I would come around and visit she would tell me how he would give her the best massages, he would give her fashion advise, tell her when her make-up was ok, etc.

While we dated he compared me often to her. He didn't like my shoes because it reminded him of his mother. Other times he thought I should accessorize more like his mother.

When we decided to move in together the same year we met, she was not happy. She instead suggested that I move in to her place with her son. I said no, why would l leave my mother's home just to end up living in her home? I wanted a place of my own. She spent the first year sending my husband food in a cab. I told my husband this was not normal. My own mother is overprotective and I am a picky eater but even my mother stepped back and allowed me to be an adult and take care of myself. I asked my husband to talk to her and tell not to do that but he would not. He has an older brother. His mother does not behave this way with his brother.

Later after living together for a year we got married. Moved out of state for a job, the job didn't work out so we moved back to where we are from. We stayed in his mother's place for a few months while we looked for an apartment. I was also pregnant at the time. She suggested we stay and live with her and we could save money to buy a home and she would help with the baby. I said no. We needed our own space. I told my husband I wanted the autonomy of raising our baby our way. I didn't want to be bossed around by her. Each day before going to work she would get up early and cook dinner in the morning for her son. The smell of seasoning made morning sickness that much worse each morning. I asked him to talk to his mother and explain it wasn't necessary to cook dinner in the morning. We could handle it on our own. We found a place and moved out before the baby was born.

Our daughter was born, later we had a second daughter. I always felt she undermined me a lot, I didn't give it too much thought. I just let it go. As we started going on family vacations she started tagging along. Staying in our room, I felt it was an invasion of privacy. She did not want to babysit to give us a night off so we could go out. She always gave me looks that said, I'm more important. She always over asserts herself to let me know who he listens to. I have often asked him to talk to his mother about my concerns and he does not.

Today our daughter is 11 years old. She is going through puberty. She wants privacy when she showers. She doesn't always shower correctly but I want to respect her privacy. Sometimes I have to wash her hair and she is ok if I help her with this but now she wants to do it alone. Her peers have said in school she's too old for me to wash her hair so I have respected her request. My MIL insists that I must be the one to bathe her because she doesn't shower correctly and she told me I need to do what she did with her sons. She said she used to roll back the foreskin on their penis to make sure they were clean. She insists that 11 years old is still too young for to wash herself. My daughter has expressed concerns over her privacy. She says sometimes her grandmother wants to bathe her and she says no. They argue over it. I had to tell her in very clear terms that my daughter is asking for privacy and it should be given. The conversation was getting heated and my husband was trying to signal to me to shut up. I did not.

So I think there are some issues here as it relates to his mother. Am I wrong for thinking there is some emotional incest and possible abuse going on?

Possible trigger:

My husband confessed last year that he was sexually abused as a boy by a man. Recently he added that a female cousin who was older would ask him to expose himself as a boy. I don't know what else she asked of him. Then in addition he says he has always felt like a target for people. Once as a teen another boy was masturbating in front of him to get his attention. He ran away from the kid but he feels he is often a target.

We are struggling in our marriage.
Once we were really happy.
Last year I discovered he was having a double life throughout our entire relationship and all the issues I discussed above where discovered and exposed.
It's all a big mess and I don't know how to cope.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Maria: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the website to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of these difficult issues. I'm certainly no expert with regard to any of this. But from what you wrote it sounds to me as though what you have asked for in the past, & how you are protecting your daughter's right to privacy in the present, are completely appropriate... &, at least from my perspective, the normal & natural way things ought to be handled. So I want to commend you for your determination to keep circumstances moving down the correct track, so to speak. Well done...

You mentioned having learned, last year, that your husband has led a double life throughout your marriage & that you don't know how to cope with everything. Here are links to 4 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the topic of what to do when life falls apart. Hopefully some of the suggestions in these articles will be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-t...-step-program/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/succe...eels-fall-off/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/therapi...h-tough-times/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/chang...dium=popular17

One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the healthy parenting forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

I wish you well...

[divine1966]

I don’t know about abuse, not enough info but I’d blame your husband for allowing his mother to dictate in your house. If I tried such things in my daughters house it wouldn’t fly. So yeah. He needs to put a stop to it

[healingme4me]

I'm guessing that if your husband's childhood traumas are being unearthed as a result of his double life that marriage and individual therapy are occurring?

Would the revelation of his mother's overbearing clinginess to your husband absolve him of his errors? Certainly it sounds like a piece of the puzzle, at the same time, he's a grown man making choices and decisions of his own free will.

Coping with betrayals is a day to day, often moment to moment experience.

I see this is your first post. After 5, posts come out of moderation. I hope you find the support that you need.

[Erebos]

Ultimately it's your husband that needs to back you up and stand United with you and your daughter.
Family mediation or couple counselling, are either of these an option?

I don't know about incest, but I do know poor boundaries when I hear them and if your husband wants to stop feeling like a target perhaps him learning to employ boundaries of his own would be a start.

Has he explained why he doesn't stand up against his mother.

Have you asked him if he feels it would be acceptable for him to bath his daughter and clean her intimate areas as his mother describes...I suspect he wouldn't. So why on earth does he think it's acceptable the other way around.

There are some heavy deeprooted issues here which aren't going away unless your husband is willing to face up to and address them.

If he isn't then there is not alot you can do. Except stick to your guns and protect your children.

Wishing you all the best.