Relationship Advice

My boyfriend and I were hurt and betrayed by my family. We were renting s house from my parents on account my brother may live there for a few months until he found somewhere to live. Eighteen months of him having drug and drink binges under our roof, self destructing, stealing and being manipulative and nasty, we called it quits. My mum wouldn’t ask him to leave and when she finally did (after ignoring my pleas for help dealing with him for 18 months) he made violent threats that meant we were forced to leave the house.

It was messy and I myself didn’t speak to my mother for almost 2 months. My boyfriend who admittedly (self) holds grudges categorically denied ever having contact with them again which I have accepted.

I have since built some bridges with my mum. Not many but the foundations are there I guess. I don’t think it will ever be the same.

However my partner is still so angry about it. It’s eating him up and he is horrified everyone I going about their lives. This all happened six months ago and he constantly feels like everyone judges him for leaving the house and is always seeking revenge. I have let him do this to some extent but if I ever explain that it isn’t he answer, he says I’m defending them and notmon his side. Hi and finds it difficult that I still talk to my mother. Despite not speaking to my brother or dad any more over it. We fight a lot and he always tells me to run back to my family and makes hurtful comments. He doesn’t know how to move past the anger and I don’t know how to help him as he won’t see a dr.

Any suggestions hugely welcome.

Hello Thehunted: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!

I'm sorry you & your bf had this difficult experience. You wrote that your bf simply can't get past what happened although 6 months have now passed. And if you try to tell your bf how he's reacting is not the answer, essentially, he gets mad. He doesn't know how to move past his anger & he won't seek help.

Unfortunately, I don't know as there are any easy answers here. The one thing I know is that you can't help someone who won't help themselves. Ultimately, you only have control over what you do & how you allow other people to treat you... in other words what personal boundaries you establish & defend.

So, at least from my perspective, I think you are going to have to decide for yourself how you want to handle relationships with your family. And you will have to allow your bf to make his own choices in that regard. But, in addition, you are going to have to establish some personal boundaries with regard to what you will & will not accept in terms of your bf's behavior toward you.

Of course, some individual counseling or therapy services might be a good idea for your bf (rather than seeing a doctor.) And some couples counseling might be a good idea for the two of you. However, from what you wrote, it doesn't sound as though your bf is likely to be agreeable to either of these ideas. Ultimately some individual counseling or therapy for yourself may be the way to go.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subjects of helping someone who doesn't want help, establishing personal boundaries, & dealing with difficult family members:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ant-to-change/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-7-...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ar...do-i-get-some/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-...er-boundaries/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...hy-boundaries/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...nd-or-explain/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...amily-members/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-tips...-the-holidays/

My best wishes to you...