No Luck in Romance

LiteraryLark · Jul 08, 2018, 05:48 PM

I've never been in a relationship, but I've dated extensively from high school up until the past two years where since then I've "enjoyed the single life". I have fantasies and imaginary friends that keep my sex drive running smoothly, meaning now I am looking for more serious relationships over casual sex and use the fantasies to get out any urge to indulge in anything casual in the real world. I recently "broke up" with a coworker. We both declared a light-hearted "secret summer romance", but once I admitted I didn't want sex with him he ignored me. Then there's my best friend whom I've been in love with for the past 10 years. She admitted mutual romantic feelings at one point, but went down a different path. She experimented with kink/BDSM and her sexuality with multiple lovers, claiming to be polyamorous, but she agreed she prefers one partner to give her all the love and undivided attention she needs over many partners who can only give her pieces of it. She confessed that I have always been there for her and that she loves me, but she currently has a boyfriend. She also said there are certain things going on in her life she wants me to know about, but if we were to date, the plus side would be that she is open to moving to where I'll be moving to come October, and we have talked in the past that we would be happy to live together. But living together will not happen anytime soon.

Is it hopeless to purse my best friend? I feel like too many stars have to align before this ever happens, but I also know that the best kind of relationships is to be in love with your best friend, and we've been through everything together. I know that in Oregon there will be more opportunities for both friendships and relationships, but I feel discouraged, but I do know that I'm leaving California with a better understanding of what I value in love and sex and relationships.

LiteraryLark · Jul 09, 2018, 12:19 AM

I find relationships so complicated. There's nothing easy about it. I have a hard time vocalizing my needs, but perhaps this is due to dating someone who only wants sex and no relationship. Even still, when it comes to sex, I don't see myself as an "easy pleaser". I've never had an orgasm with a partner, only a couple men attempted to please me, but they couldn't and I eventually had to tell them to stop because it was hurting me. Receiving oral sex hurts me. Even while stimulating myself I have to stop, it simply hurts and doesn't feel good. Intercourse neither hurts me nor pleases me, but I don't like the idea of it being "halfway" where only the man is being pleasured, and I feel disgusted to just lay there as I've often did. I've tried vaginal sex with a dildo many, many times in different positions. It just does nothing for me. As for "back door" experiences, I think I'd much pursue the "back door" over vaginal intercourse. My only experience comes from vibrating butt plugs and dildos, and I have to say it's an amazing feeling, which is wonderful because most men do prefer a little "back door" action. The only downside is my arm gets tired reaching back there myself, tee hee!

Now, I did write the last paragraph with men in mind, but I do have romantic and sexual interest in women as well.

I'm not sure which response I'm looking for here. I have a feeling the only advice I can receive is to make decisions on my own based on my needs. But I worry that even though I've had a wee bit of life experience (and when I say "wee bit" I do acknowledge that I'm only 25 years old with a life ahead of me) I still don't know what I'm looking for and how to behave within a relationship. What I do know is that I'm ready to be in a relationship, I'm tired of dating upon dating, and I guess that's how you get into one, but all of my previous dating led nowhere, or worse, laying there while they do their business with no needs of mine met. I'm done with casual sex. I want a man or a woman who will love me inside and out, a person who goes into the dating pool with the intent of seeking out a relationship, not a casual fling. I need direction.

There's a problem I have of becoming extremely immature when I'm around someone I like. Some people, like the best friend I'm in love with, gets. She'll match the immaturity with her own, and I love that. There's a part of me who fears growing up and forgetting what it's like to be a kid. It doesn't make me an immature person, trust me, I know when it's appropriate and not appropriate to be goofy or immature, but that doesn't mean I want a relationship where I have to put on a show and never be my true self and always be this "adulting" being. Is it bad I want to date someone who can be the same, be an adult when it's called for and to be immature and goofy all at the same time?

I feel there is a lot I don't know about relationships. I'd like to find out more about healthy relationships and what it takes to keep it strong, as well as how to discover what makes me happy in a relationship and what standards I need to keep.

TishaBuv · Jul 09, 2018, 08:21 AM

Have you seen a gynecologist about why it physically hurts?

mote.of.soul · Jul 09, 2018, 10:59 AM

Yeah, I have no idea about relationships, sorry. As long as you like each other, that's the main thing I always thought, but it looks like I was wrong. There's a million and one other things you need to be on the same wavelength about as well apparently!

But in terms of sex - have you tried some of those drugs and pills they use for heightening sexual pleasure LiteraryLark? I haven't, and I don't know anything about them except they exist. Might be worth a look into, though.