[bitt516]

so my girlfriend for last year is married. yes, i know, she and i are horrible people. but he husband is a emotionally and mentally abusive little man who thinks its funny to make her cry on a daily basis. anywho, he recently found out about us and shes upset because her marriage will end. the thing is is that she was ALREADY GONNA DIVORCE HIM in the first place. so i dont understand why she cares if her marriage is gonna end. she has mentioned a numerous amount of times that she hates him, so my question is...

why does she care that her marriage is inploding, if she was going to get a divorce anyways?

[Skeezyks]

Hello bitt: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I don't know as I have the answer to your question. Perhaps there is a difference between thinking about divorce versus actually watching it happen. There's also a scientific theory I've read about on a couple of different occasions recently that might be applicable here. It's called the "sunk cost effect". Basically, as I understand it, what it says is that we humans (& some other species too) hate to give up on something we've put time into even once it has become completely apparent it's a lost cause, so to speak.

For one thing, we don't want to admit we may have been wrong to begin with. Plus we abhor the idea of giving up on something we've already put so much time & effort into. How we tend to act in relationships is said to be a prime example of the sunk cost theory. So perhaps it's just difficult for this lady to actually let go of her marriage (as opposed to just thinking & talking about it) because she has so much invested in it, in spite of the fact that the husband is abusive.

Anyway... those are just a couple of different ideas that occur to me on the subject. Ultimately the only person who really knows is the lady in question.

[ShadowGX]

A few possibilities come to mind:
1. She still loves him despite what she has said and despite the abuse. This isn't that uncommon, believe it or not.
2. She has financial reasons for being afraid of the marriage ending.
3. She's worried about social status and/or how she will appear to others.

Could be other things too. Your best bet is to ask her directly. You two definitely need to have a serious talk about your relationship in general it seems. It might not be easy for her to let go, especially if my first thought of her still loving him despite the abuse is correct, but it definitely sounds like she should do so. She may need help from a therapist to really let him go.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by bitt516

so my girlfriend for last year is married. yes, i know, she and i are horrible people. but he husband is a emotionally and mentally abusive little man who thinks its funny to make her cry on a daily basis. anywho, he recently found out about us and shes upset because her marriage will end. the thing is is that she was ALREADY GONNA DIVORCE HIM in the first place. so i dont understand why she cares if her marriage is gonna end. she has mentioned a numerous amount of times that she hates him, so my question is...

why does she care that her marriage is inploding, if she was going to get a divorce anyways?

Because, cheaters typically lie and say over and over that they are going to divorce their spouses for you. it's a manipulation and a way to hold a carrot in front of you so that you keep staying with them in spite of the fact they never plan to divorce. her true intentions just showed to you.

Also the other lie is also to make the other spouse a monster as an excuse to cheat and justify your adulterous relationship. May be true but most times it's at the very least very exaggerated or fabricated.

Think about this, do you really want to commit yourself to someone that is clearly deceitful enough to cheat rather than leave one mate before finding another? if you think it can't or wont happen to you, typically cheaters keep cheating. So you'd probably end up being the monster next for her excuse to cheat with the new guy that looked greener on the other side of the fence.

suggestion: walk away, find yourself an unattached woman to date.

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree that you need to have a serious talk with her before doing anything else.

[~Christina]

Does she plan to just move in with you?

Yes you need to have a big discussion

My first husband cheated on me and married the woman and he’s apparently been cheating ever sense according to our grown daughter. Cheaters very seldom stay honest and loyal.

As Sandman said ... do you want to be the next monster spouse to someone else ?

Or you two could always wind up together in love and loyal.