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#1
May 15, 2018, 11:57 AM
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Hi, all,
I'm new here, and I'm hoping I can get some help. I (24F) have been in a relationship with a 23M for over a year and a half. We're oh-so compatible. We have the same interests, and when we first started talking I felt like I could tell him anything. We confided in each other, we were silly, it was great. Over the course of the past few years, however, so much **** has gone down. I went through some rough times with my parents, school, and work, and without getting into the details, all made me feel worthless. I've had anxiety since I was a kid, but it's gotten worse in my 20s. There's also been a few incidences where my bf has expressed disappointment in me. When that happens, he usually gets quiet for about a day until I finally get an answer out of him. I recently confronted him about that and asked if something is bothering him, whether with me or something else, to tell me instead of bottling it up because I can tell when he's upset, and it sucks when he won't talk to me. He's normally so caring that when he gets upset, it really makes an impact on my mind. That being said, I think I have a sort of PTSD-response to these bumps in the road. Anytime he's quiet or seems aloof, I instantly go crazy and start to worry if I've done something wrong. This happens up to every other day, maybe more. It's the main source of anxiety in my life. I'm so scared of losing him. I get flashbacks to my first bf in high school who, too, got silent right before our breakup. Being quiet, staring at his phone, etc. are just sort of part of his personality, and I keep thinking I should be used to that by now, but it's kind of like having resting ***** face but on a guy. My stupid brain is always interpreting it as something else. My current bf and I live together. He's shown time and time again that he cares for me. He provides emotional support, he tells me how beautiful I am, anything a girl could want. I wish I could talk to you guys in person and explain what's going on because I feel like I can only just start to describe what I'm feeling. All I know is that I need help, specifically with:
My fear of losing him overrides all other emotions I have, just in general. Although I worry that he'll leave me, he's implied he has absolutely no intentions of doing so (and this was a few weeks ago). Yet I'm constantly on edge worrying I'm going to do something wrong, and I think it's causing tensions between us. I'm typing this at work with tears in my eyes because I'm that damn afraid I'm going to ruin everything with my anxiety and paranoia. I have an appointment to see a therapist next week, but I don't know what else to do. I've tried meditation but lately it hasn't been working or I don't have time. I'm planning on sitting down and talking with him tonight because I want to stop feeling so afraid and to start enjoying our relationship again. I'm just worried he'll be offended that I see our relationship that way. I feel so stuck. So helpless. Please help. |
 Anonymous40643, carcrashonrepeat, MickeyCheeky, RubySapphire, ShadowGX, Skeezyks
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#2
May 15, 2018, 04:45 PM
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I'm sorry you are having all of this difficulty.
 I just replied to your introductory post in the new members introductions forum. So thanks for posting there!  In my reply, I gave you links to a bunch of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of anxiety & stress management. Hopefully some of that will be helpful.  One thing you've mentioned in this post, that stuck out for me, was the fact that your bf sometimes goes silent for a day. This is something I've had a tendency to do as well... that is to give my wife the "silent treatment".  I didn't do it to try to hurt her, but rather because I was hurting emotionally myself & just couldn't bring myself to talk.  Anyway as a result of the time I've spent here on PC I've become more attuned, I guess you might say, to the fact that giving someone the silent treatment can in-&-of-itself be a form of abuse.  So, at the risk of overwhelming you with reading material, here are links to some articles on the subject of the silent treatment as a form of abuse:https://blogs.psychcentral.com/thera...-stop-it-cold/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...otional-abuse/ https://psychcentral.com/lib/are-you...t-aware-of-it/ https://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing...ssive-partner/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/heali...-relationship/ You wrote you'll be seeing a therapist next week. That's great!  I think the thing I want to suggest here is that perhaps, in your fear of losing your bf, you're taking too much responsibility onto yourself for what's happening in your relationship. Hopefully seeing a therapist will provide you with an opportunity to figure out what is going on in your relationship & what to do about it. Perhaps at some point, if your bf is willing, some couples counseling might be a good thing to consider as well. I wish you both well... 
__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
 Bill3
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#3
May 16, 2018, 10:59 AM
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I'm very sorry to hear you are fighting with this... I get that way in relationships too, and it's usually at it's worst at 1-2 years into the relationship. I'm not sure why that is, but my theory is because that's about how long it takes for us to get comfortable in a relationship and maybe not be as romantic and involved as we are when we are still fresh and trying to impress each other (just my theory). I've definitely smothered relationships during that phase, but there are also healthy ways to work through it. I highly recommend giving yourself time to process all of your emotions before acting on them. I have a 23 day rule, if I feel like my partner is mad at me or doesn't like me as much or something like that, I put a note on my calendar 23 days out and I don't say anything about it to them until day 23. Any time I start to get anxious about it, I just look at my calendar and tell my anxiety that we will address the issue on that day. Having a game plan makes my obsessive thoughts a little more easy to manage, and usually the feelings have passed well before day 23. Another thing that helps me is to journal my fears. It's so easy to get lost in your own head, but when you see your thoughts on paper it's a lot easier to see when they are irrational or incorrect.
In my experience, it does get easier - for me usually around 2.5 years in. In the meantime, I highly recommend taking time to work on your self-worth because at the end of the day, fear of being abandoned by your loved one is often indicative of deeper self esteem issues. Wishing you the best! <3 |
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#4
May 16, 2018, 01:00 PM
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Next time he goes aloof, maybe ask (in a non-accusatory way) what's wrong.
Part of communication is of course talking openly and honestly without and agenda, but the other part is being the kind of person who other people want to talk to. |
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#5
May 16, 2018, 03:39 PM
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Quote:
I found the article on "Understand the Sounds of Silence" most helpful. I actually discussed with my bf how I want to talk about anything with him while being able to have comfortable periods of silence. Which brings me to another topic... I actually find talking about certain things with my bf makes me uncomfortable. We initially bonded over hobbies like books and music, but over time I felt that his tastes were "better" than mine. We enjoy a lot of the same things, but there's just been a few instances where he's shown dislike towards something I like, and of course those are the moments that stick out to me. So I get nervous picking activities to do or music to listen to because I worry I'll choose the wrong thing . I also have a tendency to think I'm inferior to others. It sucks because he's constantly encouraging me to "do my thing," to play music I like or choose a restaurant to go to, and I always have a billion factors that play into my decisions (will he like it? does this have the right vibe?) instead of going with my gut. Quote:
There's definitely some deep self-esteem issues here, as indicated above. I'm not confident that I can keep the relationship together, or that I'll be exciting enough for him, silly worries like that. It's stupid because I KNOW if I just be myself, things will start to get better. But I keep focusing on the times that he's complained about me instead of the countless amount of fun memories we've made. I don't know how to stop fear from influencing my decisions.  Quote:
Ever since the last "silent treatment" last month, I know I've been acting weird/on edge. It's much easier for him to move on from our conflicts, but god it takes me forever. As I've repeatedly mentioned, I keep letting the past influence how I act now instead of being myself, instead of enjoying the present moment. I probably just need more mindfulness, but I also want to learn how to not let fear get in the way of my life... |
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#6
May 18, 2018, 11:50 AM
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Me...I am the one who gets quiet. My fella is the one with all the crazy that I am gonna leave or we are gonna split up.
Now I can't ever imagine breaking up with him. But sometimes I do wonder if I am the right person for him. If I do all the stuff I am meant to do to make him feel loved and secure...But he is still freaking out, so I wonder, maybe I am just not the right person, or maybe no one is, maybe he just doesn't need a relationship right now. These are all things I think about, because I hate to see him hurting...and there are times when being with me sure as hell isn't making him happy...so then I am stuck at an impasse. Because I love and adore him, and his freaking out doesn't effect me personally, except in the sense he isn't happy...And all I want is for him to be happy...whatever thAt entails. Hope seeing it from the other side might shine a light somewhat. I mean obviously your fella might not be thinking any of these things...It's just an example of the other side of the coin. Sometimes thinking is just that, sometimes you know you can't change things you just wish you could.
__________________
I Don't Care What You Think Of Me...I Don't Think Of You At All.CoCo Chanel. |
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#7
May 19, 2018, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
I had an interaction with an anxious lady today who couldn’t find her wallet... she was behaving sonerratically and was telling herself to take a deep breath as her husband stood next to her calmly. I really don’t want to “be that person,” no offense to her, especially since I know I’ve publicly humiliated my boyfriend by being anxious. It was just a good reminder for me that I don’t have to worry half of the time I do. |
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#8
May 28, 2018, 11:13 AM
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It’s getting hot here in the Midwest, so maybe the heat’s to blame, but...
I was on such a good streak of not freaking out about my boyfriend, but this morning he’s been so non-emotional and kind of unreceptive. It’s probably definitely nothing, but how’s an emotional person like me, for the long haul, supposed to get along with someone who rarely shows his emotions? I don’t get to see my therapist again until June 7, so I guess I feel a little stranded while I wait another week and a half. Again, everything’s fine... I know we both get sluggish and moody in the heat (and it’s only gonna get hotter from here on out). And I know it’s harder to be affectionate when it’s hot, too (even hugging is tainted by the humidity!). It shouldn’t be this hard... each person in a relationship should be able to just do what she/he/they want, to be in a room silently together, to want to do their own thing.... in fact, I crave being alone quite often and sometimes just feel like lying on the bed not talking to anyone, just like my guy is now. But for someone reason, when HE does it, I think he’s being avoidant and aloof. Which makes ME scared to do it because I think he’ll think the same. What is wrong with me, and how do I fix it?? |
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#9
May 28, 2018, 11:53 AM
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Men honestly sometimes go into "their caves", as is said by John Grey in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Men do naturally pull away and distance themselves sometimes, not because it's anything to do with YOU, but it's just who and how they are, in general. Men need their space and private time, too, just as we all do, but perhaps a bit more than women in general? I hate to generalize, but I have also found this to be true in my own relationships with men. We operate differently, and we communicate differently. We even have different needs.
That being said, some men can much be less emotionally expressive and far more closed off and distant. And with someone who is emotional and wants emotional closeness, this dynamic can be very strained and tough on the woman. Ideally, you feel comfortable being yourself, and with choosing things that he may/may not like. You don't have to live to please your boyfriend at all times. And different people will like different things, but when you're listening to music or choosing activities, it does makes sense to compromise and/or to want the other person to like what you're choosing. IF they don't, then you just change it to something they will like. No big deal. I think frequently asking someone what's wrong can cause some strain. At the same time, you can bring it up as a topic of conversation to discuss... like, sometimes I think or believe that when you get quiet and want to be alone that something is in fact wrong or that you're upset, or maybe you just want some alone time and that's perfectly fine. But if you are upset or bothered by something, I would hope you would be upfront and open with me about it so we can talk about it -- you can say something along those lines to open up a dialogue. He can either refute or agree with you on your stance..... open communication is KEY for relationships to work. You can also be upfront with him and let him know that you, too, appreciate your alone time sometimes. A couple needn't be joined at the hip at all times, or conversing at all times. People need to be given the freedom to do things as they want to. And, we cannot help sometimes but have our emotional baggage from past relationships come into play in our current relationships. It seems you have nothing to worry about in terms of him possibly leaving you. Look for all the signs that say otherwise, and perhaps you will feel more reassured? I wouldn't ask for constant reassurance from him though about that. Men don't like that, and they don't like insecure women. I find that it's best to keep some insecurities to myself and work on them in therapy instead. Keep reassuring yourself, based on all the signs that say otherwise. This should help. |
| aimlesshiker
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#10
May 29, 2018, 11:43 AM
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Thank you, I just need to keep reminding myself that there's nothing to worry about. And I'm slowly getting better. But you're right, being insecure and paranoid all of the time isn't a turn-on for anyone!
And you touched on this a bit, but it really boils down to just being myself (and being confident in myself). He's my partner, so of course he wants to see me just being me, doing the things I want, whether it's with him or not. I think we're approaching a good balance of doing things separately vs. together, and I guess in the grand scheme of things, ~1.5 years of dating isn't that long, i.e. we still have time to figure things out! Both of us were pretty novice dating material when we first met, so I'm glad to have made it this far. Thanks for all the advice so far, Psych Central! You are all a supportive, rational, and kind group to converse and confide in.
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| Anonymous40643
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#11
Jun 01, 2018, 09:57 PM
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Well, I'm at it again...
I've been irrationally anxious and irritable the past few days, maybe not quite depressed though I'm not sure what's going on. It's been very hard to relax, and I have little interest in doing "fun" things despite getting burnt out from a full-time job (i.e. I look forward to free time when I get off work, but once I come home that feeling dies). My bf has been super supportive and trying to cheer me up, but I still act out of line... crying, irritability, mood swings, etc. I'm dealing with a stomach issue right now that's not making things any easier. When I do those things, I also worry that I'm upsetting him with my behavior, then I apologize. A lot. Definitely too much. I struggle with wanting to avoid antagonizing him, but in doing so I make things worse. I don't know how to control this behavior. Obviously he cares about me if he's trying to cheer me up, but that doesn't get to my brain. It's frustrating, and I feel like a bad partner. I just want to have fun with him, but my anxiety has been off the charts, and I mess everything up because of that. Does he care? Is he mad? I don't feel like I ever know for sure, and that just exacerbates things. I hate being this way... |
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#12
Jun 03, 2018, 08:38 PM
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“I'm so scared of losing him.” - This is the key problem.
Here is the fact, the more you wanna grab or hold him, the more you are gonna lose him. A healthy relationship is - we are equally important to each other - "losing you is my loss, and I believe losing me is your loss, as well." Be yourself, love, and respect yourself FIRST, love him the way he needs, then you don't need to worry about his departure, because leaving you will be his biggest loss. Best wishes! |
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#13
Jun 13, 2018, 07:18 AM
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Well, we had another "incident" the other day. I wasn't listening to something important he was saying, then he shut down for another day.
I finally confronted him about it, and he explained I haven't been a good listener to his personal issues, and we had a long conversation about communication. I learned a bit about his resistance/hesitation to bring up issues (he has trouble finding the right words or doesn't feel comfortable saying them). I tried my best to explain that I understood. My therapist later that week told me that men tend to have fewer words in their emotional vocabulary, so that made sense. However, when I told him how much him being silent hurt me, he didn't make any reassuring statements that he would try to stop doing so. Out of the almost 2 years we've been dating, these silent episodes have only happened about... 4-5 times? Maybe more? Not every week, though. I'm scared, though. I think that moment may have... broke me? I keep defining the relationship by these incidences, by the times he treats me the worst. The thought of "what if he's not right for me?" has been bouncing around my brain all week, and it's killing me. My BF has been doing better; last week was a rough week for him and I helped talk through a lot of stuff with him. He's done the same for me on my bad days, so there's no resentment there. Maybe it's just because of my lifestyle/schedule... I wake up before he does (which is my only true alone time that I ever get anymore where there's no one else in the room but me), go to work for 8 hours, and come back... since I'm on fixed income, we don't go out very often, we hardly go on dates. I also think, on the flip side, that more alone time would help me, actually. I need complete alone time every once in a while, and I hardly get enjoyable alone time (since it's usually before work, I feel rushed). I also have been trying without much success to live mindfully. I was trying to listen to music mindfully this morning, but I felt compelled to post this instead. I'm no longer mindful of our relationship, either. I can't see day-to-day moments as "fun" anymore. I still love him... but it doesn't feel like it, not right now. I'm scared. To be honest, a small part of me wants to be free and not be tied to anyone. I'm still so young and I love exploring all by myself. However, this man has given up so much to be with me, we have so many common interests, we get along great, we're even getting better at this whole relationship thing by communicating more, but my anxiety prevents me from enjoying our relationship to its fullest. I know the lovey-dovey, honeymoon feeling fluctuates, but it's been a while since I've felt that, and I'm scared it won't come back. I'm so depressed that I can't get back to where I used to be. I've let this relationship anxiety linger for so long that I may have permanently distorted it, and if we break up, it really will be my fault because I couldn't change how I think. Maybe I just need to give it time, too. I just recently re-started CBT, meditation, and am trying supplements to help my anxiety. I really feel like I should talk to him, but I'm not sure what to say... Edit: I would also like to add that my therapist and I recently "confirmed" that I might have some type of attention deficiency, most like ADD-inattentive. I've wondered if I've had for a few years now, but I didn't think I presented with all the classic symptoms. I now realize it has made it excruciatingly difficult to complete tasks such as writing essays, remembering details, and paying attention to conversations. It has probably affected my ability to stick to self-care routines such as CBT and journal entries! Sigh... Last edited by aimlesshiker; Jun 13, 2018 at 08:02 AM. |
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#14
Jun 26, 2018, 07:09 AM
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In another sinkhole..
I have been feeling... well, not much, in my relationship lately. I think there are several reasons for that. First, I think part of me got too hurt last time my partner got quiet on me. I didn't like how I was treated, and even though we've talked, apologized, and moved on, that part of me still remembers. Also, my bf is a skinny guy. I don't care if you're hot or not, but it's getting to the point where he's so thin, he's kind of unattractive. He tried gaining weight before, but didn't keep up with his eating regimen. His arms are probably thinner than mine, and I'm fairly petite. I'm not getting enough alone time, either. I haven't spend more than a couple hours completely by myself in... months? It's a very rare occasion, and it's starting to drive me crazy. I'm thinking of going on solo hikes, drives, errand runs just to get away. It sucks cos my bf will try to be silly and hug and tickle me, but all I want is to be left alone. It's nothing against him, but because this keeps happening, I'm starting to associate this feeling with him. I realize these are mostly things I can fix, but it's a lot to just sit down and talk about. I'm not sure whether to do it all at once or gradually. I'm afraid of falling out of love with him. I sometimes wish I was with someone more adventurous and high-energy. My therapist said it's not wrong to wonder what it'd be like if I was with someone else, but I don't know how strong those feelings are. All of these issues make it hard for me to be and feel affectionate. I don't say "I love you" as much or kiss or hug because I've been feeling, for lack of a better word, annoyed. When I don't feel crappy and detached like this, I really do love my bf. I've recently gotten more in touch with my "old self," the one that was less anxious and more care-free, the me I was when I met my partner. I've come to several realization lately that could help bring me closer ("he's supportive no matter what;" "he doesn't judge me;" "I can be whoever I want to be around him;" "I miss talking about our hobbies together"). I love it when he picks me up and spins me around, or takes the time to find a nice gift, or tries to cook meals for me. Not sure if any of this makes sense. I just really want some advice on how to deal with these problems. It feels like I'm slowly falling out of love just when I rediscovered how to love again. My detached feelings are (mostly) a result of me either not taking action or overthinking. I think alone time will help me the most... |
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#15
Jun 26, 2018, 07:40 AM
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What is preventing you from having alone time?
He wants you to do your own thing, yet if you do that you risk him being ”disappointed” in you and giving the silent treatment. Why is it that before this relationship you were so much less anxious, so much more yourself? |
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#16
Jun 26, 2018, 08:25 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
 . I know the risk is relatively small, but of course it's happened. It's a very puzzling situation to be in. I think the main thing he wants from me, like in any relationship, is to be a good partner. As you can see from my post above, I am not being the affectionate person I want to be because I am depriving myself, so I supposed it's better to give myself some self-care.Quote:
A lot of drama happened around the time we started dating, unrelated to him: crap with my parents, stuff happening to my friends, quitting my job, finishing college, finding other jobs... it was incredibly stressful. My anxiety got really bad because I was juggling life and trying not to disappoint my new BF, on top of school, PMS, etc. When I hung out with BF more, I noticed he was particular about things. He was much more organized and tidy than I was, and seemed really knowledgable about some of our common interests (I know, it's stupid, there's stuff I know way more about than he does, but at the time I got fixated). I started modifying my behavior so that I wouldn't come across as stupid or messy. Basically, a few months into dating, I became this megaball of stress that wasn't acting like herself, and I haven't really been since then. Again, all because I assumed/overthought everything. So, I'm starting to get in touch with my "old self," but it's hard. I've been a people-pleaser since I was little, so this is just a habit I need to work on. My bf has said he wishes he could see me as happy as when we first met, so we're all on the same page there. I just wish I knew how to go about doing that. And I wish I didn't doubt "us" so much. 
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| Bill3
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| Bill3
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#17
Jun 26, 2018, 08:27 AM
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I very much recommend seeing a therapist. Your boyfriend encourages you to do your own thing and have your own interests yet you don’t do anything apart from him. It’s hardly his fault (unless he really gets mad when you do your own things). It could be something stemming from your childhood: seeking too much approval of others. It’s not healthy to do everything together either.
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| aimlesshiker
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#18
Jun 26, 2018, 08:34 AM
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I am seeing one, actually, which has been such a relief. She told me very similar things. I actually had the courage to do an activity with friends instead of with him, even though he wanted me to join... but they were friends I NEVER get to see anymore, and I totally made the right choice. Of course, I was worried what the consequences would be, which detracted from the experience, but I suppose that's a big step for me.
To boot, bf wasn't upset (maybe a bit bummed out), and I had a worthwhile time. My therapist also warned that if I don't address these soon, I'll build up resentment towards him... for not having the freedom I want. Most of his day is alone time while I barely get any, even though I feel like I need it more. |
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#19
Jun 26, 2018, 08:45 AM
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I think there is a mixed message here from the bf: “do your own thing, say your own thoughts, but if you do I probably am going to be upset with you and possibly give you the silent treatment.”
My perspective on being alone is this: don’t ask him for time alone, just inform him that you are doing X alone. You have massive stress in this relationship because he wants many things to be a certain way, and you pretzel yourself into trying to meet his requirements for fear of the consequences if you don’t. It isn’t your job to be the person he wants you to be. Your job is to be mumblyocelot. If mumblyocelot as her normal self isn’t good enough for him, then it is time to move on. His loss. I agree completely agree with divine that your self-pretzeling likely has something to do with your childhood, and that therapy would be a good way to figure out the connection. |
| aimlesshiker
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| aimlesshiker
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#20
Jun 26, 2018, 11:37 AM
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well, I dont' want to say it's entirely in your lap as to why this is happening and I cant' really say that your bf is doing anything wrong per se either.. it takes two people to make or break a relationship and right now you're at a point where something needs to be modified in the way you are interacting. No blame here, it's about you finding ways to cope with the way he sometimes naturally is and him learning about what goes on in your head when he does go silent. Thing is, neither one of you can read minds so communication is the key really.
When times are good and you're at peace, that's the time to bring up things. when you are having conversations, start a talk about how his silence affects you. Mind you, to help him understand, not to blame him. I think it's pretty safe to say that your fears and anxiety is based on other things in your life and his silence merely triggers it. The trigger being there because when he is silent you don't actually know what's going on in his head. So he needs to understand what happens to you when he's quiet so that he can decide and find ways to reassure you or help you cope. no guarantees he will be willing but I think that conversation will be something that could draw you together and help you to be more sure of how committed he is. Without you talking to him about this and allowing him the chance to understand and support you, you will forever remain in the dark about why he goes quiet and whether or not your fears have any foundation in reality. I think you'll find that it's probably not any of the extremes that you think at times. Key points - do this when things are good, not in the midst of it. 2. let him know how you feel about things when he's silent but not as if he's to blame foryour thoughts. be open to his explanations and expect the best. Also expect and plan to figure out together how to help each other. It will work out. but not without talking to him - I'd venture to guess that this is even more fundamental to helping you than therapy itself. |
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#21
Jun 28, 2018, 02:41 PM
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Thank you everyone for your advice and support.
I went on a little vacation with me, him, and some friends recently, which has reinvigorated me to enjoy life and be myself. Along with mindfulness and other things, I'm feeling better than ever. I don't worry about disappointing him so much. However, now that I am thinking more clearly, I am realizing how many things he's been doing "wrong." He's oblivious to other people's emotions; he was a real bummer during our trip and it affected how much I enjoyed time with my friends. It's hard to maintain serious conversations with him. He doesn't take chances with me, he doesn't get out of his comfort zone. He rarely shows enthusiasm for all of the ideas I have. It takes him a lot of effort to get out, and he's slow at everything. He keeps encouraging me to be myself, he says he's fine staying in the apartment as long as he's with me. But I get so anxious and never get out myself because anytime I want to go for a hike or trip or new restaurant, it's met with no more than, "sure, ok." I'm gonna address these things sooner rather than later. It's his birthday soon, and I was gonna wait until after, but I don't want to give a nice gift under the pretense of "oh I love you" but then be like, "But, there's a lot of red flags I've noticed and haven't brought up until now." Yes, I feel terrible that I've been putting this off, that I'm doing this during a sensitive time in his life. And he might be depressed, and I'm willing to help him through that. But he's GOT to put more effort into both himself and this relationship. I keep wishing I was with someone who had a get-up-and-go attitude, where it wouldn't feel like a chore to get him out of bed early just to get outside. If he's not willing to work through this as hard as I have been, then it might be time to take a break... |
| Bill3
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#22
Jun 28, 2018, 03:55 PM
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After his birthday, keep in mind that he might still be in a sensitive time of his life.
The sensitive time could last indefinitely long. If you conclude that you need to act, realize that it would be a mistake to wait until his frame of mind is ideal. OP's spirit, it sounds like, is slowly being smothered. Help her to be free again! Last edited by FooZe; Jul 05, 2018 at 02:28 PM. Reason: removed username at OP's request |
| aimlesshiker
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#23
Jun 28, 2018, 11:56 PM
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Quote:
I think I laid too much on him. I got carried away and was so focused on trying to get him to see what's been going on that I ended up pointing out at least 3 areas where he could improve. I might have, unintentionally, attacked him, but again, I tried setting a "I'm trying really hard to fix this" tone. I took him by surprise and maybe didn't word things very well. Now HE's upset... and I get it, I was kind of unfair. But at the same time, sometimes people do things in a relationship and don't realize they're hurting their partner until they say something. In the past when he has pointed out the ways I was offending him, I was oftentimes blindsided (partially by the silent treatment), oblivious that my actions were hurting him. Basically, I might have effed up, but at the same time, I'm hurt that he doesn't realize how much everything I said meant to me. He claims that my "accusations" were unfair and piled onto him, when I've totally felt the same way before. The difference is, I accepted that I simply didn't know I was being hurtful, apologized, and promised to do better. I'm not getting that from him; rather, I'm getting a "That's just who I am/I can't change" vibe. I don't want things to be tense between us, especially since his birthday is coming up soon, so maybe I'll try writing a letter including the green text up above. I just need to keep my head above the water until next week... Last edited by FooZe; Jul 05, 2018 at 02:29 PM. Reason: administrative edit (to quote only) |
| Bill3
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#24
Jun 29, 2018, 08:47 AM
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You showed courage and you expressed what is on your heart. Good job!
His immediate defensiveness is not a good sign. It sounds like he did not accept or validate your feelings at all. When you say “Here is what I need in a relationship” and he says “I can’t/won’t give you that,” then he is presenting with a basic choice: “Do without what you need, or find it elsewhere.” |
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#25
Jun 29, 2018, 08:57 AM
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Quote:
I think he and I are both fixated on how much I laid out on him. I admit that I went on and on for like 15 minutes about his flaws, and later I read that going on monologues and not pausing for feedback isn't good communication, either. On the flip side, I was pouring my heart out, I apologized for not communicating my feelings well, and I asked for him to understand where I'm coming from. We haven't really spoken in about 12 hours now, and the ball is sort of in his court. I left him a letter before work trying to further explain myself. Don't even know if he'll read it; I've never seen him so angry. I'm still hurt that he didn't even acknowledge that I've been struggling. edit: something I should note for myself is how I still feel bad for what I've done wrong throughout this ordeal. Does my partner feel the same? Am I being too hard on myself? Why am I so willing to put blame on myself, and is it helping this situation? I just want to take responsibility for what I've done to show how much I care... Last edited by aimlesshiker; Jun 29, 2018 at 10:11 AM. |
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