[pudu]

I don’t know what to do and feel overwhelmed. My husband just graduated from college and doesn’t have any real work experience. He hasn’t been looking for work even though he knows I need him to contribute. He rarely brushes his teeth or takes showers, even when I ask him to. All he does is play video games all day. I work full time.

I suffer from depression that can get very severe. The last time I was unemployed, I would get so anxious and overwhelmed that I went for months at a time not applying for jobs. He was very patient with me during this time and didn’t pressure or guilt trip me. So now that the tables have turned, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but now that’s he’s graduated, money is a lot tighter without his scholarships.

He has been on a waitlist to see a psychiatrist for over half a year now, and is taking some antidepressants that don’t do much. He also takes medication for his ADHD which helps somewhat. He’s tried a lot of different antidepressants over the years and none have worked. I’ve asked him to see a therapist, but he said he’s done that in the past and doesn’t think it’s useful. He’s shy and doesn’t even tell me everything that’s going on in his head, so I can understand, but I don’t know what other options would be available. I’ve told him he can’t just wait for the right drug to fix everything. I personally have learned a lot of different coping skills through therapists and suggested he could do the same, but he isn’t motivated.

He needs help and I don’t know how to give it to him. We already put in work keeping me afloat, and now that I’m functioning again I don’t know how to pull him up. He’s quiet and doesn’t complain so it’s easy to leave things at the status quo and just let him play games all day. But the bigger gap on his resume, the harder it’ll be to get a decent job. More importantly, I want him to be happy. What can I do?

[Skeezyks]

Hello pudu: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I don't know if I can tell you what to do about this. My wife & I are older people & both retired now. However there were quite a few years where my wife was employed full time & I was not as a result of a combination of physiological & mental health issues. The difference I guess is that, while I spent quite a bit of time on-line (that's a story in-&-of itself), I also did a lot of the cooking, housekeeping & yard maintenence as well as doing basic home remodelling projects. (I also walked our dog twice a day.) So I kept pretty busy.

I can certainly see your dilemma given that your husband supported you when you were struggling but also not wanting to just stand by while he sinks further-&-further into video-gaming oblivion. Unfortunately, in the end, you only have control over yourself & what you do. If your hubby simply isn't motivated to do anything that might help him to heal, there's really nothing I know of you can do to make him want to. At some point you may simply be faced with the decision to either let things remain as they are or to force the issue by drawing the proverbial line in the sand, so to speak.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to help someone who is struggling with depression as well as some articles on the subject of helping someone who doesn't want help. Perhaps there will be some suggestions in these articles that can be of some help. This looks like a lot of reading! But the articles are short. So it's not as much as it may appear:

How Can I Help Someone in My Life Who's Depressed?

Being Married to a Person with Depression or Bipolar: 6 Survival Tips

10 Things You Should Say to a Depressed Loved One

9 Ways to Help a Friend or Family Member With Depression

4 Ways to Support Someone With Depression

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-ways...hos-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/denial-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-ca...ange-yourself/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ant-to-change/

My best wishes to you both...

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC!

You are in a tough spot.

I also experience treatment-resistant depression.

While I have needed understanding, I have also found I do well with some occasional prodding from my husband. While treatment-resistant depression can be "reality," so is taking care financially. As you are currently one another's life partners, you (realistically) have a duty to be accountable toward one another.

You are right on, in that anyone with treatment-resistant depression cannot afford to wait on meds only. I feel learning coping strategies is a very helpful/healthy option. I hope he will agree to pursue help.

If he cannot pursue treatment avenues for himself, hopefully he can for you/your relationship. As noted above, you may, at some point, have to draw a line in the sand. A couples counselor might be very helpful to you.

I feel he has an obligation to himself and to you -- to try all reasonable and available treatment options. Learning coping skills and engaging in therapy can be very helpful.

Please understand that I also suffer from some very, very long bouts of paralyzing depression. I try many things that might be helpful -- when I cannot do it for myself (because I am too depressed)-- I recall my vows and my duty to be as much of a life partner as is truly possible toward my husband.

My husband also has a mental health issue which can cause severe depression. We show one another great support, patience and... mutual accountability.

While your hubby needs care, compassion and understanding, he may also need some kind of a wake-up call if her persists in not seeking out further assistance.

I hope things work out!

WC

[pudu]

Thank you both. Yesterday I spoke to him about some ideas my therapist gave me. We are going to call up every psychiatrist in the area that takes his insurance and put him on a waitlist. I also proposed seeing a therapist together to come up with a treatment plan. I emphasized that it would be focusing on life skills, not digging up the past. He seemed more responsive to that. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to give him a heart-to-heart, but I feel a lot more optimistic having a plan. As long as he doesn’t get cold feet on seeing the counselor...

Again, thank you! I’ve been torn up not knowing what to do for a long time now. Your perspectives are validating and very helpful.