[DanceEngine7]

It has been 7 months since I saw him. 6 months since we last texted. This must be the worse thing ever-to miss someone you can never ever have ! Two weeks ago I was doing better. I was keeping busy and not hardly thinking of him. this week I am back to longing for him and it is torture! I think my depression and mood swings came back this week.

It hurts knowing that he probably never even thinks of me and I think of him all the time!! It is my fault for getting involved with him in the first place. I know I shouldn't of but I wouldn't change it. I am mad at myself for getting jealous and possessive and acting crazy (that's what ended it). He is like a drug and for some reason I am having a hard time withdrawing.

I contacted him a month ago and didn't get much back (proof he is done with me). That did not help at all! It was another hit to the stomach but I got better and am now back to hurting. I don't have many or even good support or relationships so it makes it much more harder for me to move on. He was actually there for me (even though he really wasn't). At least I had someone that messaged me every day, someone who thought of me, someone who told me they cared about me. (I have never had that even though I was once married)

I am reading articles on how to get over someone, trying to exercise every day, going on miles long walks. But I hate my home life and work life. I felt suicidal weeks ago. I have no money to get out of my bad situations. And my only friend I have lies to me all the time and uses me to get what she wants. I do everything she wants even when I don't want to.

When I was doing better I wasn't going online, I was staying away from the married men (they want to know what is wrong with me). At work I am frustrated with no pay, and being stressed out and worked to death for nothing. At home it is a constant negativity and very bad for my health and mental state. I am just wasting away. I just want to be able to do what I want, when I want, with no ones eyes on me. I want to just quit life and work. I am controlled by everyone. I need a whole new life. a 180.

[divine1966]

Are you safe? Should you call your doctor?

Who is controlling you? Who are you living with? Could you perhaps apply for subsidized housing so you can get your own small place?

Dance Engine, you know, when I have been in similar shoes as you, I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps to make my life better. It took hard work, it took effort, it didn't come easily and it did not come quickly, but it happened, and I turned my life around, all for the better, and in every single way.

I think you are dwelling because as you've pointed out, your life is not where you want it to be. So, I have continued to ask the same question: what can you do to improve your life situation? Can you look for another job, for example? I think if you switched to a better job, it would re-energize your life in a much more positive direction. And that friend of yours does not sound like a positive influence. Can you meet new people? Join free social and interest groups and get out and socialize more?

[divine1966]

I’ll add to Golden’s good suggestions. Perhaps get a second job to get a bit more money and keep busy?

[newscribe]

Are you in love with a fantasy which is now a nightmare? There is always someone else to love. But not when you’re pining for a past love.

Your discomfort is real, however it will keep on happening if you focus on what might have been.

I suggest you practice mindfulness, setting relationship goals and anything g else that makes your discomforts become learning lessons.

If you still feel challenged you may like to see a therapist. I’ve been in that situation a couple of times and it hurts - until I decided I was worth more than hurt.

(((((DanceEngine7)))))

You deserve to find someone available to love you completely.

[Open Eyes]

And my only friend I have lies to me all the time and uses me to get what she wants. I do everything she wants even when I don't want to.

I think you need to educate yourself about narcissists because I think you need to understand the difference between someone actually loving and caring about you verses just using you. These kind of people genuinely DO NOT have the capacity to care about anyone but themselves and that can leave a person genuinely feeling extremely low self worth and low self esteem when in REALITY, you actually are worth being appreciated and you need guidance towards building a stronger sense of self esteem.

It also sounds like you develop a love for "your dream of" rather than the reality of what is actually "there" too. What you have been grieving the most is the loss of "that dream of" and you know what, a lot of people make that mistake, not just you.

The human mind is designed to "dream of and imagine" and the truth is often human beings get to a point where they can actually end up creating the things they imagine like the cell phone which originally was just a thought up device used on Star Trek, well, we now actually have these devices that actually do work. So, not all of our dreams are a waste, yet often "can" be a waste when it comes to imagining a relationship when the individual in "reality" could never really fulfill that imagined "love of one's life" the way it's so desired.

You know, a lot of movie stars who seem to have it all end up with broken hearts and being cheated on or divorced, even though they are really beautiful and even very talented human beings. Actually, one of the things that can prove very helpful is learning about the actual lives of a lot of successful human beings that you would think found it all and yet they did not but they still managed to move forward despite some significant disappointments. It can help you realize you are actually not as alone as you think.

[DanceEngine7]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you safe? Should you call your doctor?

Who is controlling you? Who are you living with? Could you perhaps apply for subsidized housing so you can get your own small place?

I am living with parents due to a bad divorce/bankruptcy years ago. I have been working for years but pay is no good. I look for other jobs but pay is still low and hours won't work out.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by DanceEngine7

I am living with parents due to a bad divorce/bankruptcy years ago. I have been working for years but pay is no good. I look for other jobs but pay is still low and hours won't work out.

What are they charging you for staying there? Once you went through bankruptcy what happened to the lessons learned in credit counseling? Do you have any unidentified areas that drain your income? Friends family taking unpaid loans?? Major vices?
Do you spread around your direct deposit?
Are the legal fees cleared off?

Divorces are unsettling, indeed and sure wages always have areas of improvement. Savings goals and small plans matter.

You can do it.

[DanceEngine7]

I was doing better, the last few weeks. Even thinking to myself, "wow, the people who said time heals were right" and now I back slid.
I saw something online that triggered a song that he once told me to listen to. The song made me cry when I was still seeing him and made me cry again when I listened to it. He started consuming my thoughts again.

My brain is at the point where (not sure if anyone understands this) I feel as if it might just be better to keep thinking about him, as in pretend or something. I don't know how to describe this. I don't have time or money for counseling. And when I've tried going years ago it makes me feel even worse.

Last night I almost met a guy to make out. (we've been friends for awhile, don't ask) Now, I am tempted to contact another ex lover, but part of me is afraid I will start thinking about the guy I miss and start crying. And I'm not really into this other guy anymore anyway. I've been on dating sites but no one interests me. When they start asking questions I realize I can't answer the way I want to because I hate everything about myself. I don't want to say what I do for work, where i live, because I will come across as a loser.
I feel I need to make myself better before dating, I have been trying for ten years and am so depressed I just can't do it. (which is why I resorted to having a thrill with married men for sex and excitement)
I still feel as if this is all a bad dream and my mind wants to think I will see this guy again. It's weird. But then I realize it is not a dream. IT IS REAL. HE IS REALLY GONE. and my brain just can't cope.

[Open Eyes]

If you are very low income you must qualify for state insurance and that can help you towards being able to find a therapist to work with. You can't solve this in your own head like this, you need "help and guidance" with this challenge. Also, a lot of individuals who fall for the love bombing that narcissists use typically do need therapy to help them heal from the hurt they experience. These individuals have a way of making the ones they pick to have affairs with "feel" they are the center of the universe and are worthy of lots of love and adoration. It's how they LIE in order to control you until they are tired of you and end up moving onto someone else. What you really miss the most was "feeling you were worthy and important and valuable". That's what you ruminate and try to escape to and that's what's been keeping you stuck instead of allowing you to actually "heal" and move forward in your life.

[Medusax]

I am SO sorry...it doesn't help to tell you that it happens to everyone, it is little comfort. I too have been torn up over men on a few occasions, one in particular was very difficult. i still think of him to this day.

I don’t think it’s him you miss but rather the idea of him. When life gets tough it’s easy to imagine a better alternative... the path you didn’t take seems like it would have been the best one. Keep working on your strategies to get over him
because eventually you will. ❤️

[divine1966]

There are therapists that charge on sliding scale. Even one visit a month is better than nothing.

Originally Posted by DanceEngine7

I was doing better, the last few weeks. Even thinking to myself, "wow, the people who said time heals were right" and now I back slid.
I saw something online that triggered a song that he once told me to listen to. The song made me cry when I was still seeing him and made me cry again when I listened to it. He started consuming my thoughts again.

My brain is at the point where (not sure if anyone understands this) I feel as if it might just be better to keep thinking about him, as in pretend or something. I don't know how to describe this. I don't have time or money for counseling. And when I've tried going years ago it makes me feel even worse.

Last night I almost met a guy to make out. (we've been friends for awhile, don't ask) Now, I am tempted to contact another ex lover, but part of me is afraid I will start thinking about the guy I miss and start crying. And I'm not really into this other guy anymore anyway. I've been on dating sites but no one interests me. When they start asking questions I realize I can't answer the way I want to because I hate everything about myself. I don't want to say what I do for work, where i live, because I will come across as a loser.
I feel I need to make myself better before dating, I have been trying for ten years and am so depressed I just can't do it. (which is why I resorted to having a thrill with married men for sex and excitement)
I still feel as if this is all a bad dream and my mind wants to think I will see this guy again. It's weird. But then I realize it is not a dream. IT IS REAL. HE IS REALLY GONE. and my brain just can't cope.

Dance Engine, I don't know what to say. You seem to be in a rut, though there are weeks when you are better.

We can come up with many excuses for not seeing a therapist. Like Divine says, therapists will give a sliding scales sometimes. Just because you had a bad experience before, does not mean the same will repeat itself this time. I think you need a professional to help you.

[DanceEngine7]

I met with an old ex lover last night and wasn't feeling it at all. I even had tears in my eyes when he was trying to kiss me (glad it was dark). He wants to see me again but don't think I am going to. I kept thinking about the other guy. I knew I shouldn't go meet him but I just wanted to see ( haven't seen this one in almost two years) and I was right!
I do need to start dating though! Anything to get my mind off of this guy. But when I get asked to meet someone online I freeze and get scared because I don't want them to know the real me. I hate my life

Why would you date when you hate your life and don't want to talk about yourself to new men? That makes no sense. You're using men as a band-aid for your life problems and refuse to take steps to make your life better. You will be stuck in the same rut if you don't change something to help make improvements.