Ugh

(((((Shadow))))) just leaving you some hugs and love

I broke. I talked first. I asked him to "say something, anything..." He has said nothing and switched his status from "online" to "do not disturb". Now not only did I fail to wait for him to come to me, but I have this message out there that he clearly saw and is choosing to ignore.

If he says nothing the entire day, which is frankly very generous of me to wait that long, I have made up my mind that he has to go. I have to set us both free. This is torture. I'd rather be alone if this is what our "friendship" has been reduced to.

Edit: I tried to take a shower hoping that would relax me, but it just made it really hard to breathe and I'm shaky and can't even hold my phone to type in this edit without dropping it on my face. I feel really weak and nauseous.

I’m sorry, Shadow.

What I highlighted in your quote. This is coming from a strong / healthy place in you, in my opinion. This / he is not making you feel good. You feel sad, and bad, and stressed. He does not lift you up. All because you were insecure one day and asked him if he'd miss you when you died and he was high. He's selfish. He's also not your significant other. It sounds a bit like you put more weight on the relationship than he does. Regardless, you deserve better Shadow.

ps: about taking a warm / hot shower when you are upset...try a cool or even cold water. Even just to splash on your face instead. It is something that helps me.

He used to make me feel good though... I've never had a friend make me so happy before. Everything was fine before he got sick and needed those stupid drugs. I've never been on strong medication or high or drunk so I can't really empathize with someone who is, I just know he has said it makes him feel things a lot stronger than normal in both good and bad ways, so when I said what I did he took it much harder than he would have otherwise.

Still, he's not high anymore. He would have been done with the meds at the latest by the 27th. The fact that he still doesn't talk knowing what it must be doing to me is pretty cruel. The only reason I'm giving it the rest of the day is 2 things:
1. He truly may not have seen my message. Sometimes the chat app does not update properly and it could be that he wasn't actually online when I messaged him and forgot to turn off his PC, which is something he has done at least 3 other times.
2. Maybe there's another legit excuse for why he isn't talking that I don't know about. Perhaps they gave him more meds, perhaps he's busy with his brother who is moving in with him soon, perhaps something else is making it so he can't handle having an emotionally draining conversation right now.

Ok thank you Shadow. Do what you feel is best for you.

Well a few minutes after my last post I did get a response. Those stupid effing doctors extended the meds again. Apparently it's not something you can just stop cold turkey and be safe, so now he's only supposed to take them when awake or something. The silver lining is that there's a brief period when he won't be high after he wakes up, which is when we can have a serious talk. The other bit of good news is that he seems frustrated that we can't talk now too, it's not just me.