Sad reality.. we may not last forever?

I don't think my bf and I share the same dreams.

He hates marriage with a passion. He was once married and said it was tbe worst thing he ever did. What he wants in life is financial freedom. To be able to 'do him'. Live each day as it comes and not worry about the future. .. well thats exactly what my last relationship was like. I was too passive and just went with the flow so I ended up wasting 6 years with the wrong person. I now want to settle down and find my 'forever and always persons'.. and all the commitments that go with it.
I'm really jealous of his ex wife. I've told him what I want.. I've told him he needs to decide what he wants because I can't force him but he has to let me know.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's been 1.6 years.. am I expecting too much too soon? I am in love with him. I close my eyes and I think of him.

I've become really bitter and depressed. This issue feels like a pebble in my shoe that I can't get rid off.

I am sorry you are hurting. Unfortunately if you want marriage and he doesn’t, it’s a
Fundamental difference and there is really nothing that could be done. As painful as it is, you are better off ending it with him and looking for man who wants to get married.

I’d say it’s awful if he led you on telling you he wants marriage and then ambushing you. But if he never made it a secret then you can’t really blame him. But it hurts nonetheless.

I wouldn’t wait for him to decide. You already know his preference, so you could be the one to decide. You have the power to make your own decisions

I hear what you're saying.. this is really hard. I've been trying to reason with myself that two people can be in love without marriage or kids. It's just a piece of paper. I wonder if I just want this because of society pressures.. or the fact he was married so in my mind our relationship must means less to him?
I was reading a book the other day and they said 'either single or married'. it's like they dont recognise defacto couples as people taking their relationship seriously.

He makes me feel so naive and innocent wanting all this..

This hurts so much. I do love him :-(

I'm sorry, but yes, it seems like a very important difference. I think you certainly need to at least discuss it with him and make him understand how much this is important for you.

I don't pretend to know the circumstances of his previous marriage, but let me tell you mine. My husband is STUPID with money. He has made our lives a financial hell for the past 28 years. At one point I had to work three jobs just to keep us afloat. Because of this, if I were ever to get out of this entanglement, I would NEVER get married again. Perhaps your man's ex was like that. I may cohabitate with someone, but I would never share finances with anyone, ever again. However, notice that I have openly admitted that, and would do so to a prospective boyfriend. I would never tell someone I would do something that I have no intention of doing. If I were that type, I would have told the love of my life that I would have children. That was why we never got married. Children were a deal breaker. He wanted them, and I was adamantly opposed

You are not naive for wanting what you want. The heart does desire what the heart desires afterall.
My exh was also horrendous with money. I would hesitate to entangle my accounts with anyone ever again. That said the "piece of paper" comes with certain "benefits of protection" unlike no other. For instance spousal survivor benefits(i.e. pension, social security), the inclusion in emergency health proxies-being legally capable of walking into a hospital room bedside if sick or injured. Etc.
I know a couple that have been together nearly 30 years strong that mutually decided to avoid that piece of paper. But, it's mutual. Both agree wholeheartedly to their common law "marriage".

My perspective in seeing your op is that it is a fundamental difference and you are unhappy. One thing that comes up for me in therapy is overstaying in relationships. Your desire for marriage is as valid and important as his desire to avoid one. I am uncertain that such a fundamental core value can be compromised. And he's clearly as stubborn as a mule. I'd weigh all other aspects of your relationship if considering compromising that value. And wouldn't hesitate to bow out because I doubt he would ever be willing to consider such a compromise for your sake from the sounds of it.

Issue with finances is important one but being married doesn’t automatically mean you must combine finances. Many second marriage couples keep finances separate. And there is always a prenup option.

I don’t think wanting marriage is naive. You have rights wanting whatever the heck you want and if your needs aren’t met you have rights to get out and look for right partner. Don’t settle and sell yourself short. And don’t waste another day in a relationship that doesn’t meet your fundamental needs. Love isn’t enough.

Yeah, they had a lot of financial problems. I wouldn't mind if we kept our finances separate. As long as we both put in half I don't mind. I did suggest a shared account because he was forgetting to transfer me rent money but he said 'that never worked for me in the last"
I feel like I'm being punished for his ex f**king up. He must think im as unreliable as his ex wife. I did ask if he would ever get married again. It didn't go well. He got defensive ,telling me in 10 yrs if 'I' wanted to then it would have to be under 5k and myself or my dad can pay for it??
That reminds me.. about a year ago he was telling his parents that relationships don't last... and people grow apart. Ugh he has no filter and doesn't even consider how this makes me feel being his girlfriend.
Other girls would have left by now..but I just tend to bottle things up. I try and numb myself and pretend nothing was said.

Why be with someone who doesn't want the same as you? Why try to push marriage with someone who clearly doesn't want it? I think you already have your answer.

This is true. I suppose I've gotta decide if I'm really not willing to compromise. Are married people really that happy? Is being married forever the same as just being defector forever?

Will he still speak without a filter if married? Yes, yes he will.

If marriage was a non issue, would he be the right man for you?

Yes, there are married people who are really that happy. Don't sacrifice what you really want, if marriage is what you truly aim for. You may resent him in the end. Sounds like you're rationalizing and settling for less than what you want and deserve. I say cut the chord and find someone who wants to actually get married.

TBH....I have only known 2 long term couples that seemed actually "happy". Most of the others are just basically existing. I know we are....

If you are just basically existing in this relationship then why consider marriage to begin with, and why stay in the relationship?

I know many couples who are very happily married, including my parents, many of their friends, and many of my own friends. I am about to be engaged to the love of my life and imagine that we will be very happily married. I don't see how this helps the OP though. She could definitely get married to someone else and be happy. It is certainly possible.

So he is telling you that he doesn’t want to be married because it costs money? He makes no sense. It needs to cost nothing, just marriage license. He is full of it

He forgets rent money and is talking nonsense. He does not sound like a catch, regardless married or not.

Sometimes I wonder If we're just existing..Well He seems fine but I'm definetly depressed. I'm obsessing over this topic it's driving me nuts. I just don't understand.. he goes on and no that marriage is horrible.. well what does he think it will be like being with me for a long time? Eventually we'll have to get a pet together, a home, children etc. He hasn't thought that because I'm a different person then maybe it will be different? But no he doesn't give me a chance "you can buy a house and I'll pay you rent.. I'm not putting my name on it. Don't get a pet.. it's too much effort and it's heart breaking."

I've decided to date the most bitterest man there is.

So does he want children?

I think all views of marriage should be voiced. Yes, this does help the OP. It’s food for thought, just an opinion

the point is, she wants marriage, and here we are trashing marriage and trying to talk her out of wanting something she actually wants. Marriage can be GOOD. Just because it went sour for one or two people here doesn't mean we need to bash marriage altogether for the OP. Let her decide if she wants it or not, based on her own knowledge of what marriage is and means to her... not what it means to US. The topic is about her boyfriend not wanting marriage, and her deciding whether she can accept that or not. The topic is not about whether marriage is a good idea in general.

Golden I understand the topic & ive read the entire thread. I think ONE person said something negative about marriage regarding happiness that’s about it. The thread has been very pro marriage.

If you want the OP to make their own decision why do you include you own family history & many friends, actually “promoting” marriage?
Isn’t turn about fair play? Can we all not see many views to this, acknowledge these differences & let the viewer decide? Because I think the viewer knows what she wants.

No one is “trashing” marriage. A different POV was added to the conversation; advice from inside the trenches. Marriage can be GOOD ...& BAD. And everything in between. But not so polarizing.

“Just because it went sour for one or two people here (where is here? Are there other 1,000 of readers on this site?)doesn’t mean we have to bash marriage altogether...”

That’s just nasty to say! And mean.

Ok, so I've been following your thread and haven't said anything because I'm not really experienced in the marriage department, but at this point the focus is less on marriage and instead the relationship as a whole. This guy is extremely bitter and doesn't want what you do, that's the bottom line. He doesn't even seem to be willing to consider what you want, while you're bending over backwards to try to suit him... It might be hard, but it's better to get out now rather than invest a lot more time, energy and even money into trying to make this work.

I think many people end up in bad marriages because they marry wrong people with whom they have bad relationships or unsatisfying relationships or so so relationships. Then they blame institution of marriage instead of looking in the whole picture: they marry wrong people. Trick for good marriage is marrying right person.

It’s easier to blame the entire institution than face the reality of our own bad choices.

This boyfriend doesn’t sound like he is a very good boyfriend. So he likely will not be a good husband either. In addition he doesn’t want marriage which is something you want (regardless if other people are bitter about marriage), it’s something YOU want so it’s valid.

So I’d reconsider the whole relationship with him and look for a better suited partner

No need to get nasty yourself. I was not being mean and I was not being nasty. I find your post to be accusatory, argumentative and not helpful to the OP to continue. You obviously just want to argue with someone. Let's just close the conversation. If you continue on arguing, I will report you.

I currently have 24 yrs experience in marriage. I think I bring a different POV to the table & I like to share my differences that I see. I’m not telling anyone not to get married & I feel the OP sounds like she really wants to find the right partner to finish the journey of their life with & not compromise their aesthetic. That compromise would be huge & like you said can lead to resentment in the marriage so it’s better to ask these questions now then further down the road. That’s valuable information.
The OP asked “are married people really that happy?” Will happiness be found in oneself by BEING married or should one find happiness in oneself first, then find another person to share that happiness with that brings contentment & has the same principles. I think that is a beneficial discussion to address.

I think I have a few years experience to answer that question & it’s a VALUABLE question & everyone has their own answer. I value those 24 years I personally have in my own marriage.

If you think I’m arguing for the sake of arguing & you feel my experience & POV is not valued then report me.