[Albatross2008]

He's a good man in a lot of ways. I'm disabled (physically) and can't work. He takes care of me. But there is so much more to being a husband than just going to work and providing things. We could knock our lifestyle down a few economic notches, and I'd be SO happy with him, if he would just learn to listen to me.

He doesn't listen.

If I ask specifically for him to do one small task, he'll think, "I'll go you one better," and he'll tack on a bunch of extras I didn't ask for and can't use. He thinks he's doing me favors, giving me even *more* than I asked for. Anything I request, even the smallest thing, will be changed somehow. I ask him to do ABC, he will NOT do exactly ABC, and leave it at that. He will do DEFGH... all the way through to Z, and then *maybe* he'll include ABC in there. Getting all caught up in adding all the bells and whistles on it, he may or may not do the original thing I asked him to do in the first place. In addition, just because I want ABC is not a good enough motivation. Only if he fully knows, understands, and agrees with my reasons for wanting ABC will he ever do ABC.

Then if I speak up and tell him that's not what I asked for, one of two things will happen.

1.) "Well, do it yourself, then. Anything I do is going to be wrong." (Not if you just do the one original thing, without adding anything to it.)

2.) He'll gaslight me and say he did do exactly as I said, but I just can't be satisfied.

For me, the issue is not that ABC is such an important thing. I just want to know, for once, that he heard and understood me. Is this a power game? Is he trying to show me that I don't tell him what to do? Is he afraid if he ever does exactly as I ask, I'll get the idea I'm the boss around here, or something?

[SorryShaped]

You've got a good man but the relationship needs work. Therapy is my suggestion

[Albatross2008]

Working on that. Problem is, he thinks it's all me, and that it would be sufficient if I went to therapy by myself. (I already do.) He doesn't see anything in the world that he could improve.

Is he just really trying hard to do a good job and be a good husband and please you? Does it matter how things get done? I get picky about things too but then I wonder if it’s really fair to hubby that I’m so picky... Just some questions to get you thinking perhaps. He seems like a good guy. ❤️

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Working on that. Problem is, he thinks it's all me, and that it would be sufficient if I went to therapy by myself. (I already do.) He doesn't see anything in the world that he could improve.

I had exactly that problem when I was married. The prior sentence shows how that worked out

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I had exactly that problem when I was married. The prior sentence shows how that worked out

Yep. I read you loud and clear.

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Is he just really trying hard to do a good job and be a good husband and please you? Does it matter how things get done? I get picky about things too but then I wonder if it’s really fair to hubby that I’m so picky... Just some questions to get you thinking perhaps. He seems like a good guy. ❤️

He is a good guy. He honestly thinks he's doing his best to please me, but he doesn't hear me, and that's what sets me off. When I try and try and try to make it clear what I actually did ask for, and he blows it off, it frustrates me to no end. I hate having the same conversation again and again, and then having to have it again next week.

Sometimes he thinks it just doesn't matter, and I'm being too picky. There are reasons why I need some things done a certain way, such as my physical disability. But I have to tell him at least 40 times before it sinks in, and even then he might forget later and go back to doing it the old way. I'll give an example. Helping me up from a chair, if I get stuck and can't get up by myself. The proper technique (I was a nursing assistant before I became disabled) is to slide your arm under theirs. Even his mother (who took care of his grandmother before she died) and people from our church who have elderly and disabled family members have tried to show him how to do it. Yet every time I need help up, he'll want to just grab me by the hand and start pulling. That doesn't do anything except hurt my shoulder, and it isn't good for him either. How many times does he have to be told the same thing?

Originally Posted by Arbie

He is a good guy. He honestly thinks he's doing his best to please me, but he doesn't hear me, and that's what sets me off. When I try and try and try to make it clear what I actually did ask for, and he blows it off, it frustrates me to no end. I hate having the same conversation again and again, and then having to have it again next week.


Sometimes he thinks it just doesn't matter, and I'm being too picky. There are reasons why I need some things done a certain way, such as my physical disability. But I have to tell him at least 40 times before it sinks in, and even then he might forget later and go back to doing it the old way. I'll give an example. Helping me up from a chair, if I get stuck and can't get up by myself. The proper technique (I was a nursing assistant before I became disabled) is to slide your arm under theirs. Even his mother (who took care of his grandmother before she died) and people from our church who have elderly and disabled family members have tried to show him how to do it. Yet every time I need help up, he'll want to just grab me by the hand and start pulling. That doesn't do anything except hurt my shoulder, and it isn't good for him either. How many times does he have to be told the same thing?

Hmmmm. That kind of sounds like passive aggressive behavior to me. I wonder what’s at the root of his resistance to just follow the right instructions. Is he like this with everything or just with regard to you disability?

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Hmmmm. That kind of sounds like passive aggressive behavior to me. I wonder what’s at the root of his resistance to just follow the right instructions. Is he like this with everything or just with regard to you disability?

Pretty much everything. That's why I'm thinking it's a power thing. I suspect he's afraid if he does something my way, even once, I might start getting the idea that I'm the boss around here. By deliberately not doing exactly as I asked, and always making sure he changes some little thing about it, he's asserting his dominance and showing me who's boss.

He used to tune me out, but then when a man (the pastor, a deacon, or his best friend) tells him the same thing, he'd listen. But now, the more they're starting to tell him he should listen to me, the more he's starting to tune them out too.

After hearing more, it does sound like passive aggressive behavior. There is no reason for him to dismiss or ignore the 50 times you tell him. He is doing this on purpose, and that is unsettling. Yes, it could be a power/dominance issue. Ugh. I am very sorry you're dealing with that. Maybe you could simply confront it with him, head on, and tell him that you think it's passive aggressiveness.

That's how I would handle it, but that's me because I confront things. You also know him and know how he may react. The only other suggestion is couples therapy, but you've already said he thinks it's all YOU, which is a whole 'nother problem by itself. Relationships are a two way street, and he is responsible for his own behaviors. He's not taking any responsibility. No wonder you're totally sick of it all. Are you considering leaving him?

[Albatross2008]

Leaving him would take some doing. I even tried to go for a cooldown walk this morning, and I couldn't get across the street because traffic was too heavy and I can't move fast enough. Before I met him, I was barely surviving, and with my health problems, if he hadn't come along I might well be dead by now. I *should* be grateful for what he does, and I *am,* but his not listening to me is about to drive me over the edge. I don't think I can leave him, though. I'm afraid I'm stuck.

Originally Posted by Arbie

Leaving him would take some doing. I even tried to go for a cooldown walk this morning, and I couldn't get across the street because traffic was too heavy and I can't move fast enough. Before I met him, I was barely surviving, and with my health problems, if he hadn't come along I might well be dead by now. I *should* be grateful for what he does, and I *am,* but his not listening to me is about to drive me over the edge. I don't think I can leave him, though. I'm afraid I'm stuck.

I also tend to confront things directly. Sounds like he might not accept that well. Would he be willing to have a conversation with you about what’s going on in both of your lives that has created suggest a disconnect? I’m sorry you’re stuck in such a rut like this. It’s unfortunate because partners are *supposed* to make life better for each other.

[Albatross2008]

It would be hard to explain it to him, because it remains, he doesn't listen.

I'd have to find some way to get him to understand. He says he can't understand why I get upset with him over "something so little," but he's acting like that last one little thing is ALL there is to it. He doesn't see the buildup of how this happens again and again.

It's like, what if he asked me to hold on to a pebble? Not much to get upset about, there, is it? Just one little pebble. Surely I can handle that. So every day he adds another pebble. And then another one. And then another one. Soon I'm drowning under a huge pile of pebbles. Each one by itself doesn't mean much, but together they add up to a ton. But if at any stage I say something about how it's getting to be too much, he acts like I'm only reacting to the one most recent pebble. Why am I making such a fuss over just ONE pebble?

[SorryShaped]

Are you "making such a fuss" because you only have one pebble left of you?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Yep. I read you loud and clear.

However, we're friends now and closer than we ever were. I don't love her in a romantic way but as a friend. We do have "benefits" regularly and I know she loves me but I honestly don't feel it back. I don't want to even. That makes me feel like an a-hole but it is what it is.

[Medusax]

I can't even start......if I do, we will all need a bottle of whatever drink you choose and we will be here all night. Mine IF..........he does ANYTHING I ask him to........will do the same thing. Here is an example: I wanted a simple middle of the road microwave. he had to buy the big one with all the "bells and whistles". He does not clean, AT ALL, but HE bought the last vacuum cleaner. He is gone most of the time, and that is a blessing. Also, mine is the KING of passive -aggressive. Twice I have fallen because of my hips in his presence and he doesn't try to help me he just stands there.

[Albatross2008]

Hubby has no vocabulary for emotions. He can't put words to feelings at all. Ask him how he *felt* when such-and-such happened, and he will answer instead with what he *did* when such-and-such happened. And he honestly thinks he's answering the question.

So, with no concept of emotions whatsoever, he can't connect when I talk about my feelings. It's a foreign language to him. He can't empathize. All he is, or so it feels right now, is a machine that works and pays bills. In fact, that's pretty much all he ever talks about. Work and bills.

[SorryShaped]

This is entering the classic "male emotional" ability. Most men can't express. I've cried today

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

This is entering the classic "male emotional" ability. Most men can't express. I've cried today

I'm glad you can say that.

I guarantee that even if I did leave him, it's 100% certain he wouldn't cry.

[Albatross2008]

Yesterday, after things were tense before he left for work, he kissed me goodbye on his way out the door. And as he did, he said to me, "No more bad days, OK?"

What's wrong with that? Well, first of all, it completely absolves him of any responsibility for contributing to the problem. It's ALL me. He couldn't possibly have done anything wrong. He gets to be as insensitive as he pleases, and if I react at all, this is nothing more than me having a "bad day." (Read that: My mental illness must be acting up.) Second, it's demanding perfection of me. Even in cases where it is more me than him, am I never allowed to be off my game? Doesn't everybody have a "bad day" now and then?

He says he meant it to be encouraging. He absolutely can't see where it was problematic. Or he does see, and won't admit it. I don't know.

As for not following instructions, he thinks it's a matter of me having to have my way all the time. I thought of an analogy to illustrate the point, IF I can ever get him to listen to me long enough to explain it. This shows what I'm dealing with.

Let's say his back is hurting him, and he's asked me to run him a hot bath. I'd be glad to do that for him. Now imagine that I go into the bathroom and set up mood music, spread out candles and rose petals, get him something to drink while he's in there, lay out soft towels and a nice cozy robe, add every touch I can think of. He never asked for any of that. All he wanted was to soak in hot water. When he asks me why I never did actually fill the tub, I get angry. "Well, do it yourself, then. If I do it, you'll just tell me I did it wrong."

You have an almost impossible situation with him. He puts it all on you, he takes no responsibility and doesn't see what he does to contribute to your unhappiness with him. He doesn't stop to reflect, what am I doing wrong? Is there something I could be doing differently? He doesn't think this way. I don't know what to advise, because it's basically unworkable when one partner won't accept any responsibility.

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by Arbie

He's a good man in a lot of ways. I'm disabled (physically) and can't work. He takes care of me. But there is so much more to being a husband than just going to work and providing things. We could knock our lifestyle down a few economic notches, and I'd be SO happy with him, if he would just learn to listen to me.

He doesn't listen.

If I ask specifically for him to do one small task, he'll think, "I'll go you one better," and he'll tack on a bunch of extras I didn't ask for and can't use. He thinks he's doing me favors, giving me even *more* than I asked for. Anything I request, even the smallest thing, will be changed somehow. I ask him to do ABC, he will NOT do exactly ABC, and leave it at that. He will do DEFGH... all the way through to Z, and then *maybe* he'll include ABC in there. Getting all caught up in adding all the bells and whistles on it, he may or may not do the original thing I asked him to do in the first place. In addition, just because I want ABC is not a good enough motivation. Only if he fully knows, understands, and agrees with my reasons for wanting ABC will he ever do ABC.

Then if I speak up and tell him that's not what I asked for, one of two things will happen.

1.) "Well, do it yourself, then. Anything I do is going to be wrong." (Not if you just do the one original thing, without adding anything to it.)

2.) He'll gaslight me and say he did do exactly as I said, but I just can't be satisfied.

For me, the issue is not that ABC is such an important thing. I just want to know, for once, that he heard and understood me. Is this a power game? Is he trying to show me that I don't tell him what to do? Is he afraid if he ever does exactly as I ask, I'll get the idea I'm the boss around here, or something?

Not to take sides but is it possible he feels helpless and is over compensating? This must be frustrating for you .

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Not to take sides but is it possible he feels helpless and is over compensating? This must be frustrating for you .

Very likely. He feels like he's got too much on his plate, and as he sees it, I just keep asking for more. I don't know what to do about it. So many of the things he thinks he *has* to do for me, he doesn't, and like that bath analogy, he often misses the one thing I need most.

Affecting the dynamic, he grew up comfortably middle-class, and I grew up dirt poor. A lot of the things we have, my family would have considered luxuries. Yet he is accustomed to that lifestyle, and he considers them absolute necessities. He thinks he has to work hard and bust his butt to make sure we have all of those things. And me, I couldn't care less about a lot of it. They're just *things.*

I love that he wanted to buy me a new car. He didn't have to. He could have bought me a used one, and then not had to break his neck working overtime to make the payments. No, I'm not *complaining* that he bought me a new car. I'm only pointing out I would have been just as pleased and felt just as privileged if he had bought me a used one. A lot of the financial stress, he brings on himself because he just *has* to get me the best, when I would be satisfied with something much less than that. I just don't like to see him knock himself out unnecessarily.

Importantly, he is also the reason I am able to drive that car. Due to a combination of neglect and the "identified patient" family role, up until he came along, I didn't have a chance to learn to drive. Family of origin didn't think I could learn, for one reason or another. Either they thought I was too stupid, or they thought I'd be too anxious, so they didn't even bother trying to teach me, even when I asked. My husband changed all that. Now when I need to go somewhere, I can just get in the car and go, just like I'm going to do later today.

So you see, he really is a good man with a good heart. It's just that he thinks working hard and being a provider is *all* there is to being a husband.

[Ironslayer11]

I think it all boils down to communication and being in reaction to one another. This is, like many other relationships, the pattern of communication that you both have reinforced over and over. And I bet, in most of the communication with your husband, you both could probably predict the outcome.
My first question is: how do you want this to go? What would be the picture perfect result of your communication? I understand you would like him to hear you but you have to really go deeper than that and have a concrete, step by step/ play by play idea of what that might look like. I’m sure it might be difficult to picture being that you both have been communicating in this manner for so long. But people treat us the ways in which we teach them to treat us. So in a sense, it is likely about teaching them a different way by first changing our stance or reaction to it. People respond to positive and negative reinforcements. And people need a buy in factor. A hook. Something that may make them believe that things can be different. And that hook is going to be, the change in response and over time, the change in the outcome. Unfortunately and fortunately, this means we have to look at our contributions. And this can be painstakingly difficult but it doesn’t have to be as long as we look at our part from an empathetic, objective and productive point of view.
What am I willing to change in the course of our communication? Am I willing to hear them as much as I want them to hear me? What might that look like?
Can I come at it from a place of collaboration ( I.e. I understand at times I may come across as this...and sometimes I feel like this...how can we come together to change this? What do you need from me to make this happen and this is what I may need from you. This is what it would look like for me to feel heard)
And then you fine tune it. Each and every time. It won’t be perfect initially and you’ll stumble onto old habits from time to time but with effort and a willingness to keep at it, eventually, you both will find ways to get your needs met in an effective way.

[*Laurie*]

Been married to my husband for 36 years. Your husband's behavior sounds quite familiar to me. What do I think? I think that you're married to a passive-aggressive, power tripping control freak who always had to be right. Mine has always financially supported me, too. Great in one way - gives him all the control, though. Therapy never helped, because he just tells therapists what he thinks they want to hear. They're not dumb; after approximately 4 sessions they get it and tell him bye-bye until he can commit to therapy. HA! That'll happen on a cold day in hell.

What has helped is me being in therapy, and me attending support groups.

I wish you the best - and a mega-ton of good luck.