It’s getting too much for me

Me8899 · 09:16 AM

I am 39 years old, I feel I have been sad and lonely in my whole life, except for a few years when I start dating, that was the first time I know there are hugs, and perhaps love.

I don’t even know where to start and how, since I can remember things, I never saw my father, I “had” a mother told me that they divorced since I was 2 month old, I use “had” because today I decided I want to cut her off from my life forever, I am close to break down, I don’t see her a lot, but still when I’m talking to her on phone I can become completely lost control and become extremely angry, it’s like a trigger in my head.

I had some beautiful memories with her when I was little, I remembered she was trying to get me out of bed in the morning by ticking me with her cold hand and singing, I remember she was trying to hug me with a beautiful smile on her face ... then I also remembered she had a man who lived with us and I saw him abuse her... that was when I’m around 4 years old

... I remembered she left me at the man’s parents house at a country side I have never been, at a mountain village, and she was leaving with the man without me, I chased after her, that was the first time I felt how cold she was to ask me to go back, I felt they even treated to hit me if I keep chasing her.

That was the last memory I had with her when I was little...I had some adventure time at the mountain village, lonely and adventure, then I don’t remember how I end up living at my uncle’s house, her relatives houses...then I remembered she bring me to a office, and she left, I don’t remember what she had told me, I waited there for a long long time, my dad and my stepmother showed up to pick me up. I was around 6 or 7 I guess.

I was living with my older sister, my step brother, and an evil step mother often biting and threatening me and my sister... I was lonely and sad, I tried to suicide but I survived.

My mother, sometimes she show up, sometimes once in a couple month, sometimes I felt once in couple of years, often she just suddenly come, we don’t have a phone at that time... the first time when she come to see me I chased after her for miles, I was swiping my belt so hard to stop my sister chasing after me, I crying so hard and seeing she get on a bus... she didn’t take me with her. My step mother slapped on my face after and make me lost one teeth...

My heart was dead.. after that when she come to see me she just hug me and crying together.

Years after...