[RalphyH]

Backstory: I'm a male, born in the late 70's, and I married my highschool sweetheart shortly after college. Our marriage was perfect until our second child. My wife started suffering from depression. She started therapy, but never saw progress. Our marriage remained healthy, I just needed to exert a lot of effort to show her she is loved. She would rarely play with the children.

4 years ago: My wife's best friend from childhood got married and moved away. We unexpectedly had a third child. Parental responsibilities overwhelmed her. Her depression worsened. I couldn't determine how to give her the attention she needed to keep our marriage healthy. When I try to discuss her needs with her, she says she regrets having children, and that she wants a different life. Physical intimacy faded; we would have sex every 1-2 months, but she would never initiate. Other than cooking for them and driving them to/from school, she isn't involved in our children's lives.

6 months ago: Our parents became unable to watch our children, making it difficult to spend time alone with each other. She is no longer willing to have sex with me. We lost our jobs, and needed to stop her therapy due to financial reasons.


She recently told me she no longer loved me. I remain committed to our marriage, and I still love her with all my heart. I constantly remind her she is loved, and give her massages when she lets me. I consider myself a mentally strong person, but now I need help. I feel like I'm a single parent. I feel helplessness not being able to provide my wife what she needs to be happy. I have trouble sleeping due to sexual frustration and disillusionment with the situation. I am concerned with how her detachment is affecting the children.

If I had the money, I would seek out couples therapy. But even if we were employed, the cost of hiring a babysitter would make it prohibitively expensive. None of my close friends are married (or in any kind of relationship) so I don't know where else to get advice. That brings me here.

Can you get the free health insurance through Obamacare? You can get free therapy that way. I have. Maybe you can even get free couples counseling. It sounds almost impossible if she says she doesn’t love you anymore. It could be the depression talking though. It’s horrible to me what she’s doing to the children. That’s not fair or right to them. They’re growing up with neglect from one parent. That will mess them up psychologically. It has repercussions. She’s being very selfish but depression does that to some people. What a shame she regrets it. I feel very bad for your kids. I’m sorry for your pain. Therapy is really the only way or a separation.

[eskielover]

Post-partum depression (which it sounds like she had after the 2nd child is not easy to treat....chemicals in the body get all screwed up (doesn't always happen with the first child)

How did she feel about having children in the first place (even before the 1st one?)

Ok....I was never the motherly type & cannot relate to babies or young kids at all. I knew that going into my marriage & was totally up front about it. I made my H take an active role in our daughters care. I was getting my degree & starting my career. However my feelings had nothing to do with depression. I also was active in caring for our daughter & I was always the one she came to when a problem needed to be solved. Also had a career where most times I could take off work long enough to go watch her activities. Yes, my parents, their neighbor & families from church gladly watched her while I finished my degree. Not having money does add to the depression...long story of my experience when aerospace engineering field crashed & so did my career.....so I understand not having a job & the depression is adds to what is orobably already there.

There may be a lot more going on in your wife's mind that is creating her thoughts that maybe even therapy might not bring out. It wasn't until after I left my H after 33 years of marriage that I was finally able to sort through what I had been experiencing emotionally.

Bottom line.....if it is post-partum depression....that is one thing but I did find out that normal depression is actually anger turned inward. Not always just anger focused at self but anger held internally that one may not even recognize where it is coming from but is definitely there when thoughts & feelings can finally be recognized. Lol....I blew off all the T's in the psych hospitals that kept telling me that. Finally about 4 years after leaving my H & good therapy I was finally able to identify everything that went into that anger.....far deeper than the anger I was aware of.

I know your situation is totally your own situation but sometimes something from anothers experience clicks or at least gives another added insight into possibilities.

[MickeyCheeky]

Try to see if she can apply for insurance. It looks like she'd really need therapy... I'm sorry about the situation.

[healingme4me]

What does she try to provide that makes you happy? I ask because from what's written it sounds like a demand and expectation upon you without reciprocity?

It can be difficult no doubt, being out of work and in between insurance. Is she craving to get back to therapy? Does your state offer services or healthcare with the unemployment insurance? There's also self help and group type of support out there if that's what's desired. What about through your local NAMI as a resource?

It's truly too bad that she says she regrets ever having children. Parenting is a struggle some days. Did she ever express hesitation before having the first child? My community offers a Parent's Resource Center. They offer a variety of services from healthcare to job searches to daycare referals, etc.

[Skeezyks]

Welcome to PsychCentral, Ralphy. You've already received a number of suggestions from other members. However here are links to 6 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help with figuring out how to proceed here:

When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't

Change in Relationships: What to Do When Your Partner Changes

Being Married to a Person with Depression or Bipolar: 6 Survival Tips

The Real Problem With Sexual Withholding in a Marriage | Healing Together for Couples

Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ge-and-thrive/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Bill3]

I am so very sorry that depression has wreaked havoc on your lives.

I expect that it is difficult at times to remember that she is ill, she didn’t choose to be depressed, and when she acts as you described it is her illness that is doing the acting, not the person that you fell in love with.

I don’t recommend couples counseling now, I think she would need to be more like her nondepressed self to be able to participate in it and benefit from it.

Has she been to a psychiatrist and tried medications?

It would be important in my view for the children to understand in an age-appropriate way that Mommy is not well and this is why she is not often available to them.

If therapy is not possible you might want to consider calling a listening hotline such as this one, for support for you: Caring Contact - We're Here To Listen

[RalphyH]

Thank you for all the kind feedback. To answer some questions:

• We don't qualify for any free insurance. I'll check out NAMI. She had been seeing a therapist (likely a psychologist) on her own accord, but I never saw progress. If I find the right professional, I'm confident she would be a willing participant.
• We agreed to have children before marriage. Our first two children were planned, without hesitation.
• She contributes to our household. She cares about our kids' academic performance and how they're treating one another. She participates in family outings. I love her and I know she's still in there somewhere.

Skeezyks' third link is helpful; thank you.

Could anyone recommend information on how to identify and deal with post-partum depression? That seems like my next research topic.