There is this friend

Wow this blew up, thanks for the replies.

One thing I just can't understand maybe someone can clarify? she see's me in person and she does not have to say we need to meet up and overdue for coffee or invite me out with her (which I didn't go to) but she did, she also does not have to message me on FB saying she would love to catch up over phone or coffee, she does not have to insist on paying me back (she actually did pay me half of it) when I told her she does not have to pay me the last half of it, give it to someone who needs it more then I do but she still insists in paying me back and insists that I don't ask her anymore to help her out money wise. This is why i'm confused when people say she's using me or she's annoyed with me and trying to show me I need to GTFO of her life so to speak. Also I wont bring her to court over money, but maybe it is time I move on. She did say we are friends for life but that's so rare. Also I do have male friends I hang out with, watched UFC last night with a bunch of them. Well friends as in guys I work with that I sometimes hang out with, not outside of work friends.

She knows you're wanting a connection with her. She feels like she is being nice by saying nice things. Maybe she is a decent, nice person at some level. That's great that she paid you back some of the money. Maybe she's not an exploiter.

She can't bring herself to say the truth. She feels it's too harsh. She doesn't even want to face it herself because of how connected you two were in the past. She is not really interested in being involved with you. There is never a time when there isn't something she'ld rather be doing than being involved in some interaction with you. She says all the things that people say just to be nice that they don't really mean.

You don't have a right to box her in and force her to say "Move on, I'm not interested." People don't like having to be blunt. So she makes nice and gets away from you. What you're doing is wrong. You are trying to figure a way to wiggle yourself into her life so that she has no graceful way to be rid of you. She doesn't want to seem mean or ungrateful.

People do what they want to do. If connecting with you interested her, she'ld be doing that. She is not interested in continuing involvement with you - on any level. She can't make it plainer. Be a gentleman . . . do the stand up thing . . . bow out gracefully. Then, if you bump into her on the street, you say. "Hi. Great seeing you. You look great." Then keep moving. She'll probably say, "We must catch up soon." And she will not mean that. It's just something to say to avoid feeling awkward.

I agree with Rose.

She insists on paying you back because she wants to satisfy her debt, not because she wants a connection with you.

You should allow her to pay you back. Then, if you want to give that money to someone who needs it more, go ahead!

She insists that you stop offering her money because she wants the pride of being seen as standing on her own two feet and/or because she does not want to feel beholden to you.

I agree with the others. I'd suggest to go out there and try to meet other people, if you can, and perhaps you'll be able to make some new friends. Good luck

Just want to say thank you Rose for absolutly demolishing me mentally for that post of yours. I never asked for you to do that to me, I have not felt this defeated since I was in the back of a police car on the way to the suicide ward a few years ago. Especially this part "There is never a time when there isn't something she'ld rather be doing than being involved in some interaction with you.", but that entire post absolutly ruined me, had to hide it all day at work with everyone asking me what is wrong with me. I never asked for that **** and you sound like my father who constantly tells me to give up, you can't do it. I'm done with this place.

Alright I've had time to try connect the dots, and yes I was completly gutted by what you said Rose and I've never in my life had words on a message board that have effected me that way, I felt like I was a failure as a human being.But with that said...some **** happened at work and it brought me some perspective. I mean I was really really freaking out. A guy said she's a douchebag because she took my money and while only paid half back after selling her house she also has not paid any other payments in the year+ she sold her house. And she's not too busy and how that was a crock of ****, nobody is "too busy" and if he sees her he is going to call her out.

I went on FB and told her this and she said she wishes she did pay me back earlier and wishes she could right now and is wanting to do monthly payments and for me to not call her home as there is no privacy but said she wants to go for cofffee and a walk soon, but once again...that "soon" is there again and she understands what he was saying but for us to both let it go and move on. I told her I feel guilty asking for the money back because it would feel like I am only giving the money to have something over her head when I only want to help people, getting the money back makes me feel like I don't care about them, I just want the satisfaction when that's not true, I mean I gave $5000 the previous year to someone I've not seen since I was a kid to save her life. I told her i'm free Sat, Sun, Mon, Wed for a coffee and once she read it I deactivated my facebook, but I don't expect her to text me so I think that is that.

She used to like texting me, always had smiles and always excited to meet up for coffee, liked calling me, even called me on her bad days and was crying on the phone then Jan happened and everything changed...always got "busy", "soon", "i'll be in touch" and never hear from her. She's the only woman i've ever had a coffee with and I felt actually enjoyed my company, you could feel it. In Jan I had bronchitis, told her after I got over it we can, she said next week but a month later I said I am finally over it but never messaged her for coffee, then she messages me in May for a coffee and we go, then I say maybe July/August but I don't because my depression made me feel unworthy of being happy or have someone enjoy my company and I just don't feel like messaging because of that, message her after and see her at my work where she invites me to a show with her along with everyone else but I don't go, I felt like she asks for the sake of asking and would not want me there, she was feeling my body because I dropped 65 pounds and as she's walking away turns around and tells me she's been thinking about me and we need to have a coffee soon and walks away.

This could also all be in my head, I always play off the worst case scenerios so this could all just be in my head and there really is nothing wrong but i'm picking out the bad pieces only, or it could be real I dunno. All I know is I miss how we used to be, we would talk for an hour on the phone, text eachother frequently (mostly me starting it though), having a coffee with her not understanding how someone can actually enjoy my company...ME! of all people. I can't exactly tell her if we are cool and be honest about it because that's being an energy vampire. All I know is I miss our friendship and my depression has killed it off with her thinking I am not interested in this because my depression gets the best of me and always will.

I'm sorry but I guess it's time to move on, maybe 5 or so years down the road i'll randomly message her and say "sup?", probably wont be in a better place though. She still talks to people at my work and has coffee/phonecalls/texts with them, it's not just me.

You are letting whether or not this particular woman wants you determine your self-worth. Did you ever stop to think that her not wanting a connection with you may say more about her than it does about you? You may have built a pedestal for someone who doesn't quite deserve it. She may seem better to you than some people you've encountered. For a spell there, she seemed approachable in ways most people don't seem to you. For a spell there, you found some warmth in her company. She seemed special and worth cultivating. She probably has her gifts and there probably are a lot of worse people in the world (like me.) But there are better people than her out there.

You've idealized her. When someone we think is close to wonderful rejects us, we feel just awful about ourselves. You don't really care what I think. (No reason why you should.) You care what she thinks. You are upset because you worry that I might be right in guessing what she thinks. I don't control what she thinks. I'm only guessing. (Based on what you've told us.) Maybe I'm the worst guesser in the world. What I think doesn't matter worth a darn to your life. And neither does what your father thinks. He's been wrong about plenty (stuff you don't even know about.) There I go, guessing again.

Don't give others so much power. (Starting with Dad.)

I think I read you are in your 30's. That's young enough to re-plot your course in life. There is no shortage of lonely young women out there who might be quite companionable, if given half a chance. Some are not as wonderful as this lady you've been interested in. And some are a darn sight better. There is enough evidence, far as I'm concerned, that this lady does not have it all together. Plus, she does something that a lot of nice people don't do. To spare herself a little awkwardness, she talks blather at you, knowing that it has you painfully confused. You think that's nice because it gives you hope. It's not nice. It's thoughtless of her, at best

For people with children (even grown ones,) life is way busier than the unattached have any idea. To say someone always has other things to do does not mean that you are without value. But she is at a stage of life when pretty much everything she does is goal-oriented. Her days of "hanging out" are behind her. No woman with a kid has much time to hang out with some single guy just to pleasantly pass the time. She's running out of time. She's under more pressure than you have any idea. Her plans made earlier in life went off the rails. She's now scrambling to salvage what she can of what opportunities are left.

You might like to hang out and share your dreams and aspirations with a receptive listener. There are young women who have the time for that, and the interest. This woman has neither. It's not because you are not interesting. You are at a stage of life that she left behind a long time ago. She's got problems to solve. How she spends her time is something she decides in a cold, calculating way. It is foreign to the thinking of someone young and unburdened with the responsibility of having dependants. She couldn't explain this to you, if she tried. She's not going to try. She can connect easier with others who are in the same boat she's in. The boat she's in is not a place to be envied.

In the search for meaningful connectedness, you can do a lot better than her. Give others a chance. Be willing to take a risk. If you ask someone for a date who says no, it won't kill you. Ask 10 more. That can't hurt worse than how you're living.

I agree. This person is not interested in a friendship. I’m sorry that it has not turned out the way you would like. But it’s a learning process... you’ll learn a lot from this experience and I hope you meet some better friends soon. Stay on good terms with her in the event you run into her but I would not pursue a friendship with her at all.

She told me when and where we are having coffee and a walk at, I think after i'll message her if she just wants to do the money thing by emailing it to me instead of meeting up from now on rather then wasting eachothers time.

I'm wondering how someone can email you money?

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There are people here who don’t use “tough love” ... my parental units were masters at invalidation. And so called “tough love” which in fact was Malignant Narcissism and abuse. GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hugs to you

I'm wondering how someone can email you money?

At any rate, it sounds like, as the chance of you and her resuming a friendship goes down, your interest in getting repaid the money goes up. I guess that's only human. When you loan money to someone, there's always a chance of not getting all of it back. Even when that seems to be happening, I don't think it's all that cool to be telling others that she owes you money. That should be between you and her. If she is aware that you've told someone about the loan, that could make her feel bad.

You seem to go back and forth between having fond feelings toward this young woman and taking a pretty harsh view of her. It's like you think she's either a very dear person, or she's a douche. That's pretty extreme thinking. She might be somewhere in between. Most people are.

This gal has an 18 y.o. daughter. So she's into her 30s, maybe pushing 40, or beyond. The relationship she had with her daughter's dad fell apart. So she has just her own income to depend on. She's surviving on what she makes waitressing. It wasn't enough to allow her to keep her house. The loss of the home meant the loss of a lot of dreams. She wonders if she'll have money for her daughter's wedding, which may come up in a few years. She's sad that future grandchildren will be visiting her in an apartment, instead of playing in her home with a yard. She's wondering what she'll do when she's 60 years old. It can be hard to waitress at that age, and she can't get full Social Security until she's at least 67 or older. She may not have money saved in a pension plan, and that worries her. Maybe her life was going to be way different, if she was in a marriage that was working out. That dream fell apart. This person has worries . . . major worries.

You may not be a lot younger than her, but you are at a whole different phase of life . . . because you don't have to worry about any dependents. She sees time running out for her. She's not where she thought she was going to be at this point.

Like you, I have no kids. I skip through life footloose and fancy-free. I see how women with kids look at life drastically different from how I do. When a woman, with even just one child, loses a partner, life becomes tough . . . especially if that woman is not in some high-paying profession. There is much about this gal's world - and the challenges in it - that is outside the scope of your experience. That can make forming a bond hard.

It's not that you're a failure as a human being. It's more that she is recovering from failures in her life - which she will probably never fully recover from. And how much of this even occurs to you to think about? You do care about people's problems, when you know what they are. There's a lot you don't know.

I don't hate her, I hate myself. My extreme problems I have are all because of what I think of myself. She aint a douche at all and even with what I say about things online what has happened between us it's just online stuff, it's just my own perspective and it takes 2 to tango and I am kind of unreliable because of how I see things in the most extreme way when things change, you're just seeing my hell I am giving pieces of, i've not given the whole horror story. It's also hard to paint a picture from what I have been saying because to understand a situation you got to really understand it in person, online written words are meaningless. She helped me at a time I was down and I clung on, which I am going to say sorry to her for. I am just going to go for that coffee and walk with her and just ask her straight up and not to hold back if we should continue and that I am sorry for clinging on. If she still wants to, I figure this whole thing I've built up is just nonsense and I am just looking at pieces i've read online and put them as what we are and I'll try to give her her space but also be there for her if the time ever arose. I'm pretty sure I have proven I'll be there for her no matter what with that whole hospital/money thing. If we aren't cool then I will back off.

She also followed her dreams and no longer is a waitress, she lives with her 2 kids and is around her mother all the time, tells me to let things go and let whatever it is play out the way it's meant to be. Don't actually take what I say about her as what she is, it's what I think of myself. I messaged her on FB i've got something that has been eating away at me for a long long time I need to ask and I respect her then to just say it over a text. If she still wants to remain friends and do things together then I'll know it's true and I am going to be different, I am going to worry less about her and worry more about me because I really can't stand myself and how I go through these extremes any longer. I'll call every now and then, go to events she actually invites me to rather then ignore them, go for coffees or whatever she wants to do or I want to do. Also to tell her to call me whenever she wants...good day, bad day, just wants to talk i'm there. She also sold her house because it was too much money for her now and she was looking to sell it anyway, too many bad memories (see, you can't see the whole picture) and was looking to find another place to live with her 2 daughters anyway.

If she wants me to back off, i'll just be around to collect the money and that's it. No coffees/walks to say wassup, just meet her at say her work or my work and get it and that's that. I gotta be my own man now, I got stuff I want to do before I die and I need to do them. Emailing money just means like a email transfer. I've done it before through my app on my phone.

I don't actually thinks she wants me to leave, I say I want to leave because I got huge abbandonment issues due to my mom I think leaving when I was a kid but that's a whole nother story and I feel unworthy of people coming into my life, so maybe get people to look bad in my eyes so everyone can agree for me to take off or something like that. Also when I notice people get close or I start thinking they like me I start feeling weirded out and change a little, but I keep to my stories. Example...when we got really close I'd not always answer the phone right away and just looked at it because I felt weirded out getting a call thinking maybe that person likes me...WTF!!!!!???? so I would just call later.

Human - there are other people in the world. Give someone else a chance.

Put your wallet away. Offer your time and interest to others. Let go of 2017. It's history. Soon it will be 2019. It will come with opportunities. Be alert for them. You won't even spot them. if you're living in the past.

Sometimes life won't give us the exact, specific thing or person we want. So you see what else and who else is available. Or you can say: "No, I want what I want , and I'm not settling for anything else." It's like holding your breath till you turn blue because the exact outcome you wanted didn't come about. That is being a chump. You have to be flexible . . . ready to switch plans . . . ready to change what you target. Life laughs at us when we're not.

It is hurtful to find that a bond you thought existed isn't there. I've felt the pain. You want to ask the person - "Why? What happened?" Sometimes you just don't get an answer. There's no law of the Universe that says we have a right to get answers to what puzzles or perplexed us. Somethings we'll just never know . . . never understand. It takes some humility to accept that. That's the road to wisdom, IMHO. Stop picking at a wound, and it can heal.