My boyfriend demoralizes me.

caregiver burnout is real

Withdrawing my advice because I read in a subsequent post that he's down to weeks. I'm sorry he digs at you like that. It doesn't look like anything's going to change at this point.

Well, I was a fool to come on here and expose my pain publicly. Some of you have been supportive. I thank you.

You're a very caring person, Rose, I admire you for that. Just don't let other people abuse that kindness you have, ok? I'm mostly talking about the future

I don't remember what you wrote. I don't recall you posting anything that seemed off. But, of course, you can delete as you choose. I guess you did.

This last post you put (above) seems oddly cold. (?)

Thank you.

See i saw arbies post as glass half full (warm) you saw it as glass half empty (cold). Maybe thats why you said oddly cold.

I think I recall a suggestion to leave with a retraction due to realizing his time left here was measured? I could be mistaken?

That's it exactly. I was advocating walking out on him. Then I read further and found that his time is so short, so that wouldn't be the thing to do. I withdrew my advice.

I've recovered from the upset I experienced from my boyfriend's remark. I don't feel demoralized now. I'll be pretty much okay, until the next time this happens.

I see part of the problem as coming from - what I would call: my own over-reactivity. He basically passed a casual remark thoughtlessly. He was sort of "thinking out-loud," and wasn't even that interested in whether or not I even noticed the remark. I think I'm justified in asking him to be more thoughtful. After all, I put a lot of thoughtfulness into how I treat him. But I have to be honest with myself. If I walked away from anyone who ever rubbed me the wrong way, I'ld likely end up in a cave somewhere having no contact with humanity. To go into a big emotional tailspin over one remark is excessive on my part. That's a problem I have within me. Sometimes I let things bother me too much.

It can take me days to recover from a tailspin set off by one remark. But we are how we are. I guess it's a classic example of being "triggered." For some reason, a critical remark from him can get a reaction from me that's way out of proportion to the importance of the remark. And it's only criticisms of a certain type. Recently he told me I've gained too much weight. That didn't bother me at all. I just got myself another helping of what I was eating. Some things that might seem hurtful to another person don't bother me at all. On some matters, he can criticize me, and I just laugh. Then he's the one who might be upset. Recently he told me that something I cooked wasn't too good. I didn't care. I simply said, "Well - don't eat it." Complaining that I'm behind in tidying or cleaning really pushes a button on me. I guess it's what I am also self-critical of. I have a lot of anxiety about my ability to keep my environment orderly.

I guess we all have our sore spots.

Oh, I love the "Well don't eat it" retort - going to keep that one up my sleeve for the future.

I think you are right about some critical comments triggering and others not. But I also think you are right to ask him to notice your vulnerabilities and be respectful of them!!!! You really don't sound like someone who makes other people walk on tippy toes, but like a woman who rightfully wants some caring attention. I think people can get used to being cared for and unthinking about returning that pleasure!

It's possible to remind others to behave better in a pleasant way, before the resentment or hurt feelings take hold.

What seems to be missing is that he appreciates vulnerability - that we are all vulnerable and need to be respectful of other people's torn places. I see that as his weakness, not yours!!!

When you know you're doing your best, and in fact you're knocking yourself out for them, and all they can do is criticize, this can be upsetting for anyone.

It is sad to read that you are blaming yourself for being understandably upset over his meanness. Just because some unacceptable things aren’t upsetting to you or just because you might overreact, it doesn’t mean his behavior towards you is appropriate in any shape or form. It is not.

Thanks a lot for these posts. I tend to forget how much crap I've dealt with from him.

I told him to not let this weekend be a repeat of last weekend. I am going to keep reminding him.

Otherwise I relax and, then, right when I feel good and start catching up on what needs doing, out comes a zinger, and I'm wide open and vulnerable. I keep telling myself that he may slip up a y moment. I keep warning him.

((((Rose76))))

After 33 years of living in a bad marriage I learned to some back with "smart @$$" responses to his comments.

I would have probably responded in your situation (knowing how disabled he is) with something like "if yiu don't like how & when I do it.....DO IT YOURSELF".......just as an unspoken comment on his own inabilities.

I resorted to nasty comments like that after becomming totally fed up with my H.....after the glass was full to overflowing. It didn't improve the situation but it vented my irritatikn to the person I wanted it directed at.

People who say they were only kidding; they weren't; that is a way to deflect what they said...sounds insecure and controlling

Yes, the "only kidding" retort is used to justify any comment. I really hate it because he thinks it neutralizes any and every remark. Once he says it, he believes it, even when there was no humor whatsoever in the remark he made. To him this is like a dose of magic to retroactively undo anything. It makes me madder than what he originally said because it invalidates the hurt I feel. Like: "You just always take things the wrong way." No I don't. It's almost a form of gaslighting.

Then, when I demand he apologize, he gives me the no-apology apology. That's another thing I hate. Something like: "Okay, I'm sorry already. Jeesh. What more do you want me to say?" The more I think about it, the more disgusted I am that I've put up with this. It boils down to him acting like an insolent punk.

I really do have to let there be a consequence to this behavior. Otherwise, he has no reason to change. Sadly, I have to admit that he pulls what he can get away with.

You said he says it when you are about to do something like turn off the light switch (just for example) Maybe the consequence could be to turn & walk away without doing it (or what he is telling you to do. If he then says something you could just say "until you shut up about these things this is exactly what I will do every time you say something. I will NOT do those things that you say something about until you learn not to say anything. Then things will get accomplished.....it's your choice at this point whether things get done or not") yes it may mean things don't get done for awhile until he realizes you mean what you said.....but MAYBE the end result will be beneficial to both. Manipulating or setting boundaries.....depends on your definition

I have a friend who recently died after a long battle with cancer - and - I was astonished that however much she suffered she was never mean. Despairing yes at times, but never once mean. So I would say that meanness doesn't automatically come with a terminal diagnosis.

eskie - I have done what you suggest.. I have done exactly that and even more. That strategy can sorta help a bit, but has no impact beyond very short-term. This is why I stopped living with him. 10 years ago, we got separate apartments. Maybe I should have made a clean break. But I didn't. In between our spats, we have intervals of getting along just great. He can be lovable and loving.

I grew up with parents who had frequent turmoil in their relationship. They were very close and devoted to each other, but fights could be quite bitter. I guess I came to think that's how people who lived together would get with each other from time to time. It seems "normal" to me. If I were to live my life over again, I think I would make some choices differently.

My S.O. is not what I would call "mean." It's more what I would call thoughtless, ungrateful, inconsiderate. He handles being terminally ill very well. It hasn't changed him. This is how he always was.

Additionally, he doesn't "get" depression. He sees no connection between how he talks to me and how I feel emotionally. He's not a moody person, himself. He feels pretty upbeat all the time, as long as his basic needs are met. Right now, his illness is not causing him any pain. He doesn't worry about what tomorrow might bring. He wakes up every morning in a positive state of mind. He thinks it's absolutely crazy that I would wake up on Saturday, mad about something that happened on Friday. He never stays mad at anyone for anything. I admire a lot of his traits. The other side of that, though, is he never plans for the future. He's not good at problem-solving. He depends on me to think ahead. He seems blithely unaware of what his existence would be like without me. He utterly takes for granted anything good that I bring into his life. It's like having a relationship with a child.

Times when I got so mad I did walk away, he would eventually call and sound so remorseful and promise that everything was going to change. Of course, that frame of mind would dissolve in no time. Now, throw dementia on top of that, and it seems hopeless that he can modify his behavior. And that feeds into me getting despondent.

But I'm recovered this morning. I just have to make this last.

I kinda thought you might have already tried that since we think alike in many things.

Oh yes, battling devoted to each other parents was normal for me too. I even got into my own battles with them so experiencing it in my marriage was just "normal" & something I had perfected growing up around that.

Thoughtless in it's own way comes across as a "nice" mean. After finally leaving my H & trying so sort out those past 33 years I couldn't figure out how someone could be nice & emotionally just not there at the same time. He was a kina tbis & a kinda that category of behavior.....& like you if I had been wise I would have made tje break long before I did. Sometimes we invest so much if ourselves in the relationship that leaving especially when their health becomes an issue becomes impossible.

My marriage was interesting because at the end he didn't think I could make it without him. Turned out he was the one who couldn't make it on his own after I left. Kinda sad actually but in my case he had no actual medical health issues involved. Leaving him totally improved my physical & mental health.

I think realizing that your responding to him comes in waves helps to tolerate the whole situation. Good mixed with bad is better than nothing but bad. Glad you have recovered from this round. I know how difficult it is to stay in that place when their pinging on you continues

I'm glad for you that leaving your marriage turned out to have been what was needed. Had I ever married this guy, I probably would have been divorced by now. It may be that staying unmarried created even more of a trap. I never had to really make up my mind. I've lived years with one foot in and one foot out of this relationship. That's something I would not recommend to any young woman. I wanted to keep my options flexible. Applying that strategy to one's most important relationship is probably not going to turn out well. This I see now. I sort of left him, but I always stayed sorta tied to him. I guess I was trying to have it both ways. Seems there is a price for that.